Saturday, January 31, 2009

Talk about depressing

This week a year ago I was on a trip to San Diego, then a cruise in the Mexican Riviera.

I was finding bathrooms hard to come by--specially with toilet paper and then running water.
I was hover-planing it.

I was watching the terrible practice of syrup application to cheese omelets.
I was stressing about leaving my Murano in a rental lot.
I was getting blissfully sun burnt.
I was getting ripped off by little swindlers--er I mean children in Acapulco.
I was blowing salt water out my nose after taking a thrashing by a wave and washing up on shore in a number of compromising positions in Ixtapa.
I was getting smacked in the face with flippers.

I was getting a mild case of sun stroke on a real crappy "nature hike".
I was finding sand in various unmentionable places.
I was getting seasick in the dining room and trying not to wretch in the theater.
I was cursing the weather as the winds blew so hard and cold they closed the upper decks.

I was spending a lot of time indoors watching karaoke and playing games with the old folks.
I was gaining 15 pounds on shrimp, melted chocolate cake, and unlimited sodas.
I was getting harangued by Mexican merchants trying to sell me things made in China.

You know... come to think of it---maybe I'm not AS depressed as I thought!

(Who am I kidding. Yes I am. This was a lesson in futility. I'm trying to talk myself into it.)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

McRib is a McMystery to me

Why in the name of all things holy does McDonalds act like its doing the nation some kind of favor when it decides to bring the McRib back for a limited time? I mean.. are there people out there who wait breathlessly for a pork molded into rib shape (including the bones ::shudder::) sandwich? Do they lick the wrapper free of all dripped, tangy, barbecue sauce remains?

Now I can get behind a barbecued pork sandwich. Sure why not? And yeah this IS pork. Unfortunately the term "pork" can refer to ANY and or ALL parts of the pig. Hey at least we don't dress a hamburger up like anything else. We know what sort of risks we're taking--after all the definition of hamburger is ground beef. We don't press the hamburger into the shape of a T-Bone and call it the McSteak.

So why??? What would possess anyone to eat this?? And why the big advertisement campaign like this is an item that will be undoubtedly missed by millions as they cry big BBQ tears of sadness when its taken off the menu? 'Cause there's no reason for such silliness. I remember eating almost this exact thing in elementary school. Granted it was slapped down on my tray by a scowling,plastic gloved, hair-net wearing lunch lady, but I'm telling you its pretty close to the mark. And if I remember correctly, it was pretty nasty back then too.

So don't be sad. Get hot lunch.

Love = Tubby Tubberson

Yes. It IS her. That's a picture of Jessica Simpson performing a couple weeks ago. No it has not been altered in any way. Stop asking me that.

Jessica Simpson is in loooooo-ve. Know how I know this?? No, its not the diatribe she's been spouting to the media for the last couple months; cooing that Tony Romo is her "soul mate" while batting her cow eyes, twisting her hair and giggling. No, I know she's in love for three reasons illustrated in the above picture:

1. She no longer cares about her life and career. She cares about their life together and his career. Which is why she's singing country.

At a chili festival in Florida. Yep.

2. Some people (ahem) gain weight when they're happy, which is why you can noticeably tell she put on at least twenty pounds. This also parallels number one as you're more likely to gain a bit when you're having your own personal tailgate party every Sunday instead of say... touring, dancing, and making videos.

And lastly number 3. She's caught her man. If he's not there, who left to impress? She's no longer on the hunt for "the one" and doesn't give a crap what she looks like, thus the horrible high rise "Tall Butt Syndrome" inducing mom jeans and the cinch-it-twice-as-tight cheetah belts.

What do you think? Think my logic is flawed? All this reminds me, I wonder if Randy wants to go hit some balls more often or go to the Legacy Center for a walk.

Now where's my yoga pants with the elastic top??? Blah.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Get your freak on... geriatric style

If you wouldn't mind, please view the following video, and we'll get down to business.

The Villages. A retirement community. If you ever watch golf you've seen this commercial a hundred times. I recently stumbled onto a news story about it that was a little old but it was new to me. It seems that in the last five years at the Villages, sexually transmitted diseases including herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea have ran rampant.

What's that??? Grandpappy and all his "ladyfriends" are doing the nasty???

A lot?? And... irresponsibly?

OK so part of me sorta is repulsed by this idea, part of me finds the whole thing horribly amusing, and you know what? The other part of me is thrilled that when I'm 78 I may still wanna shake my groove thing with my old gheezer cause although he may be old, he's "gonna be spry".

They blame the spread of disease on Viagra, lack of sexual education, and no fear of pregnancy. Apparently there have been cases of couples being caught playing a little nineteenth hole in their golfcarts, and skinny dipping in the community pools at eight in the morning. How would you like to be the kid visiting Granny and Pa Pa and running out to the pool, towell in hand only to be acosted with the sight of Mae and Benny playing bubbles in the hot tub?

Frightening, frightening prospect.

Personally, acts of public nudity and exhibitionism aside, I say you go boys and girls. I think they should have some maturation MATURATION programs, perhaps a bit of sex ed. classes available, maybe some strict golf cart/hokeypokey guidelines, a no-black-market Levitra campaign, but other then that I feel that they are adults and should enjoy their twilight years as they wish.

Responsibly of course. And with the blinds closed, please. Little Petey is visiting.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Ode to my sissy

Recently my sister wrote a blog about wanting her daughters to begin to appreciate each other like her and I do. The post prompted me to make a comment saying how much I value the person my sister is a lot more now that I've grown up. This made me consider that Lore most definitely deserves, at the very least, her own blog post. The following are a small list of only some of the reasons I am so lucky to have her as my sister:

  • With the exception of perhaps one person, my sister is the one that I can be completely childish and goofy with and she will be just as goofy with me. I don't think anyone BUT me knows just how silly she can get. She doesn't judge, she doesn't roll her eyes and shake her head, she plays along. Sometimes we sing the Ping Pong Song and do our best Rob & Big recreations. Sometimes we jam to Sexy Back (yeah). Sometimes she does her own personal rendition of the dime-a-dance girl choreography from the Pat Benetar "Love is a Battlefield" video while pregnant, in underwear, and ironing to my OBVIOUS enjoyment.

    On occasion she will do the double-chin frog face at me while at the salon, or pretend to snatch a "flying booger " out of the air in one bite after I have pretended to flick said booger. While waiting at a streetlight. In separate cars. Sometimes we drop everything to go on slurpee or snowie runs for the excuse that we can be as stupid as we want in the car and have sugar (bonus!). The list goes on. Anything we do, we have fun doing it. AND we try and do it in the dorkiest way possible. Its a gift really.
  • My sissy is generous. She doesn't mind giving or sharing what she has. Sometimes my sister will pay for us to do something and doesn't mind if it takes me a while to pay her back. She knows I always will. And she hardly ever harps on me about it. If I ever need something, and its in her power to help me out, she always will. Wanna use her computer? Sure! Could use a ride to the insta-care? No problem! Need a snack from the pantry? Help yourself! Want to borrow that cute shirt? Go right ahead! Maybe that's where someone got the idea that she'd be OK sharing him too.. *ahem* So ANYWAY...
  • My sissy is adventurous. She's always up to try some silly things I want to do. Even if its not really her thing, most of the time if I ask she'll be game. The other day I suggested that I give her photography "homework" and she agreed! If I want to take a class, go see some festival, drive to some out of the way place for dinner, whatever it is, if she has the time she's always willing to support me in my endeavors. And you know what the best part is? If I'm excited about it, she's excited about it. That's a great feeling.
  • Lore recently posted a blog about her 5 top character strengths. Basically I think one of her greatest strengths IS her strength. My sister has gotten through a LOT of rough times. My mom would always say to me, "I just don't know what she's going to do" and I would always answer her (in a slightly peevish sorta way) "Make no mistake about it Mom, Lore is STRONG. She's going to be better then you think. She can handle a LOT". And she has. I admire her for her fortitude and her ability to move forward.
  • And this last thing may be a small thing but its big to me; My sister, without fail, always tells you "I love you" before she hangs up the phone. I never remember to say it, but it makes an impact on me every time she does, and I just wanted her to know it.
I love you too.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Curious Case of... Zzzzzzzzz.

Friday night Randy, Lore and I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was more or less my sister's choice as she LOVES Brad Pitt. I mean looking at Brad Pitt.

I used to be quite the Mister Pitt fan back in the, "A River Runs Through It" days. You know when he was just some hot young actor no one had ever heard of and before Angelina got her claws and tramp stamp on him.

Nowadays I can honestly say that I'm indifferent to him. I think he's an OK actor and he has been in some good films. His public persona has sorta tarnished my opinion of him. Yeah yeah, he's helping to rebuild New Orleans. He also ran away with another woman when he was married. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if Angelina just didn't seem so dang smug and self absorbed. Maybe I'm just sick of hearing about them every time Brad takes the herd out for a hotdog.

That might be it.

But anyway, I'm getting a little off track. The MOVIE was terribly long--just shy of three hours. It was entertaining in a big flickering screen in a pitch black room kinda way. Parts of it were awfully tedious. Cate Blanchet looked ravishing. It was one of those films that after you walked out you weren't really sure what to feel. It sorta left you cold.

So in summery I'll say this: Go see Grand Torrino. Its no Million Dollar Baby, and Clint is sorta starting to look like a new born Benjamin Button, but its pretty entertaining and good ole Mr Eastwood can still bring it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What's that noise? It sounds like.. a bucket being kicked.

January 10, marked the 30th birthday of my good friend Foodie and with it the last time that she can in all good conscience, pretend that she's some spring chicken while I am old. I won't lie, turning thirty is only slightly less cool then shoulder pads, crimped hair, and currently being a CEO of a domestic auto company. So since its such a crappy, er I mean special occasion I decided we better go to dinner and celebrate!

We went to Taifoon at the Gateway, which is an Asian restaurant. The food was pretty good, the portions big enough to share, the waitress was horrible, and the bathrooms were apparently "awesome". Just ask the birthday hag--I mean girl. (Love you Sugar Britches!)

I'm n
ot so sure I agree with the bathroom assessment as when I was in there I heard the chick in the stall next to me putting the seat back down.

That may have tainted my view a little bit.

Other then that small incident I had a pretty great time. I got to catch up with everyone and see what they have been up to. Randy picked up dinner and I got Amber that Backstreet Boy book she's been wanting and an extra-large, lime green, slinky nighty. Oh and a down comforter. I think she was pretty happy with all of that. Specially the nighty.

Oh and if and of you were wondering how the ole New Year's Resolutions were going... check out the last picture!! Bwa Ha ha.

*Please note*
It was a PARTY. Don't judge me. Gosh.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Things have certain names for a reason..

A recent text message conversation between Randy and I:

Randy: Hey do we have the stuff you need to make meatloaf?

Me: Ugh, how would I know? I hate the stuff. I think you need breadcrumbs, so no.

Randy: How can you hate it? It's like a big hamburger!!

Me: Meat. Loaf. Meat. Loaf. Meat. LOAF. Come on, it even SOUNDS bad.

Randy: How old are you? Shape it like a big hamburger then and not a loaf.

Me: Loaf is LOAF. If it wasn't it wouldn't have all that extra crap in it and it would just be called MEAT.

Randy: Who said you had to put extra crap in it?

Me: *sigh* Well then it wouldn't be a meatloaf would it?

Randy: You can call it whatever you want.

Me: You. There's hamburger here. When you get home you can make it into, or CALL it whatever you want!

By the time he got home however, I had already decided that the hamburger was destined for better things and so was I: tacos.

Because really, meatloaf? Tell me that's not just a title that also serves as a warning. Seriously.

Monday, January 5, 2009

You knew it was bound to show up sooner or later...

The aforementioned "resolution" post. Its kind of a gimmee blog post for one and all and who am I to sneer in the face of a suitable topic? Everyone has a blog subject as soon as that big hand hits the 12 on New Years Eve, so here's mine:

In no particular order:

  • Sigh... go back to drinking non-carbonated beverages except on certain occasions which I deem admissible; like a Noss on fight nights. Otherwise, back to mix-ins. Boy am I looking forward to the caffeine withdrawals. Did I mention that I'm drinking a Mountain Dew as I read this??? I'll start riiiight after this...
  • Read some more books. My goal is to get out of my usual comfort zone of thriller/horroresque books and read different genres. I started a bit this summer. I went from Stephen King to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. That was a shock to the system. Next up? Perhaps a good romance. ::shudder:: Anyone have some great recommendations?
  • Be more responsible financially. Yeah that shirt is SUPER cute, but do I REALLY need it? Wouldn't I be better served to spend the money on camera equipment which in turn can make me more money? Ugh... that's so hard sometimes, like most of our society I'm all about instant gratification.
  • Continue to get better at photography and editing. That means getting out there even though its freezing and just taking pictures. This is a bit harder since my usual partner in crime (my sissy) is a little bit busy nowadays. So here's some notice, I may beg and pander to get some of you out and shooting.
  • Get back to being semi-active despite the fact that its winter. I go into 'slug' mode when it gets cold. NO Kim, I still feel the same way about going to yoga with you. The thought alone makes me suicidal. Heh. Maybe you'd like to go scrapbooking....
  • Become a better golfer. Perhaps trim off 5-10 strokes off the ole game this year. Hey maybe I could learn to putt half decent? I'm optimistic, but I'm also practical. I'm not going to be totally sad if this doesn't happen, after all its still fun trying.
  • Remember to not take all the family and friends I love for granted. Remember they don't HAVE to be there, they are there cause they love me back and I should treat them like it. Spend more time with people I care about. APPRECIATE WHAT AND WHO I HAVE!!
I think that's a pretty good start and those goals should keep me pretty busy this year (I'm an underachiever okay? Sheesh, the no Pepsi alone is going to be a major test of this gal's self control). What are some of yours?

Oh and very lastly... Take the Great Blog Off trophy for 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009

Holiday highlights... or lowlights. I'm just sayin.

So without further ado:

2: Instances that new Baby Cameron got beamed in the head. Once with a binky, the second with a fun-size Snickers. I admit the former was my fault. My sister asked me to throw it to her and it went a bit wide. At first Cam just laid there with a glazed look on his face, then he blinked and started to cry.

Lore: "Oh I'm sorry, Aunt T is so mean isn't she?? Yes she iiiiis."
Me: "Whatever!! If your mom loved you she would have protected you!"

4: The number of times Randy shoveled the walk on the day I affectionately refer to as, "WhythecrapdoIliveinthisforsakenplaceanyway Day" where we got nearly 18 inches of snow. Excessive? Perhaps, but maybe you should ask our neighbors who got stuck in their own driveway. Bwa ha ha. Suckas.

100,000.000: The approximate number of calories I consumed while eating chicken tetrazzini, fettuccine alfredo, shrimp, pie, pumpkin bread, homemade candies, and all manner of good things in the last couple weeks. You know what? Lets just use that same number for "pounds gained on thighs" as well.

2: The number of SWEET computer accessories to add to my equally sweet new set up. My loving parents got me new Bose speakers that make Itunes and Pandora about ten times more addictive and my wonderful sissy got me a Bamboo Fun. I'm still working on mastering that but it should be good times while editing photos.

3: Vehicles Randy had to get out of snow drifts.

20+: Times I wanted to pick up Kyle and just hug the cuteness out of him while he was wearing his Ironman/Incredible Hulk pajamas and attempting to clock Randy. He's a boy after my own heart!

23: Inches in diameter the pizza we got from The Pie Pizzeria was for fight night. Best pizza in Utah. Hands down. Don't even try to front.

1: Good look at Randy wearing the "Traditional Pass-Around, Red Leopard Print Victoria's Secret Christmas PJ's". Usually a tradition exclusively exercised by my sister and I, this year she hid them in Randy's gift and much to the chagrin of us both, he donned the never-before-worn lovelies.

1:Times too many seeing Randy in the "Traditional Pass-Around, Red Leopard Print Victoria's Secret Christmas PJ's."

2: Number of bottles of D&G's Light blue I received, one from my sissy and one from my Dad. I'm thrilled and I smell SOOO good.

4: Times more movies we have watched since getting the new flat screen. I can'
t explain it. Your eyes glaze over and it sucks you in. Who'd have though I would be seduced by technology so?

30: Dollars w
orth of Itunes cards I got from Cheesy and 100 blank Cd's from Foodie. The trend-whore in me is so pleased.

3: Chocolate-cake-in-a-mug attempts. Two were horrible. One was bearable. Zero were worth the acc
ompanied calorie consumption. ::le sigh::

100+: Onces of Pepsi I have consumed in the last month or so. A matte
r I will surely regret in the forthcoming resolution post.

4: Hou
rs spent at the house by the Direct TV guy when he was setting up our new HD dish and receiver. I thought he'd moved in.

50+: Occurrences that prompted my eye to start twitching while driving this holiday season. What other factor could we add to un-plowed-blizzard-covered roads and explosive numbers of holiday shoppers?? The cell phone. Frustration and foul language ensue.

1: New photographers in the family when Courtney got a her first (adorable) camera for Christmas.

A Gazillion: Amount of thanks and well wishes I would like to give all my friends and family members! I hope you had as memorable a holiday as I did! Thanks for reading my blog and leaving comments. You guys are the best!