A Cha Cha update---or otherwise titled "How Cha Cha is a Writhing Den of Depravity"

Just for the sake of revisiting last weeks topic... Once again my BFF Di and I found ourselves on the same couches, same time, same Tivo'd channel.

Its interesting how American Idol stimulates such deep and fulfilling conversation.

While listening to the judges prattle on while feeling self important, Diana mentioned to me that her husband Sam had heard that Ellen Degeneres has tattoo sleeves which is why she always wears long sleeved shirts. I made a face and said I didn't think she seemed the type. Diana agreed but also noted how it was interesting how she always seemed to have on long sleeved attire.

"I'm gonna ask Cha Cha!" she proclaimed and chortled, "They are always sources of such reliable information." I laughed and agreed. To all those out there who are sarcastically challenged--that was sarcasm.

And... I pity you.

Diana sent off a text message asking about the possibility of arm length tattoos on the new Idol judge. Cha Cha promptly responded with this: "Ellen Degenres has a book titled 'The Funny Thing Is'. It was released on September 28, 2004. Can I help you with anything else?"

To this I sat up and said loudly, "WTF!? Yeah you can! Say, 'Yeah. Can you answer my question ????'" Diana and I both laughed and she texted Cha Cha with our response to their generous offer of further guidance.

Seconds later we got our answer:

"Yes I am gay and so is my lesbian lover. Would you like to join us?"

...

...come again????

Strange new happenings

The cell phone has a strange power over people.

Its almost as if the cell phone is an actual present human being that gives a person a sense of being with others, like a pack mate. Much like the changes that occur when you have the the shy, quiet, lone teen and then you let them loose with other teens and they then become obnoxious, rude, hooligan types with no manners, the same thing happens with the average adult when they become attached to their cell phone in a public place. They go from a right-thinking individual to a tactless, thoughtless, blob of, "What? Did I do something wrong?".

Now perhaps you, the reader do some of the following things. I'm not coming at you. Perhaps you don't even realize the effect your behavior has on those around you because you are so engrossed with your conversation. That's why I'm here. To enlighten you to how big of a jerk everyone else is thinking you are. See, I've got your back like that.

Firstly,

• The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation: For some reason people on the cell phone in public places think we want to hear their side of their conversations. They talk so loud you can hear them several yards away. Lady, I don't care that your sisters husband ruined the family reunion. And seriously, think about it. Do you want a dozen other strangers to know about your dysfunctional relationships? Blue tooth has added a funny element to this particular issue. Not only do all of us around you think that you're annoying, but for the first minute or two we think you're just plain crazy as well. I am so mentally mocking the lady that is 'outside voicing' to the heavens and gesturing as she pushes her cart down the grocery aisle. Then I go home and publicly mock them on my blog. Don't let this happen to you folks. And since we're on the subject of blue tooth ANYWAY...
• The Individual That Wears Their Blue Tooth To Social Gatherings: Just don't. Okay? Basically you're telling everyone around you that they're not important enough for you to miss a call. As a matter of fact, how about we just say if you're not driving or doing something with your hands---you just look like a jerk. Next...
• The Guy Whose Time Is Much More Important Then Your Own: People who stand in check out lanes, post office lines, in front of bank tellers etc and talk on the phone having no regard for the person across from them or the people behind them in line. How about this? How about you show some respect for your fellow human beings? Its called having manners. How would you feel if the bank teller was on a personal call while she counted your money? How about offering the same level of respect to these people that are trying to do their jobs? Difficult to remember that they aren't just animatronic wax figures sent to do your bidding I know, but TRY. Often the animatrons are much nicer that way. Or so I've heard.
• And lastly the strangest phenomenon of all, The Person Who Has Nothing To Hide! (But Who We All Wish Did): This is the individual who I have seen lately that not only carries on The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation, but also has their phone on speaker so we can hear the OTHER side of the conversation TOO!!! Lucky us. Seriously? No wait, I mean SERIOUSLY?

So there you go guys. See how I look out for you like that?? Keep you from projecting yourself as the future crazy neighborhood cat lady? See, I care.

PHE-EW!

So today while driving to the grocery store I saw an orthodontic clinic called "The Smile Ranch".

Hear that Boyd? Good news. The "Tooth Barn" is still available!

Phew, dodged THAT bullet.

Get your freak on... geriatric style

If you wouldn't mind, please view the following video, and we'll get down to business.



The Villages. A retirement community. If you ever watch golf you've seen this commercial a hundred times. I recently stumbled onto a news story about it that was a little old but it was new to me. It seems that in the last five years at the Villages, sexually transmitted diseases including herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea have ran rampant.

What's that??? Grandpappy and all his "ladyfriends" are doing the nasty???

A lot?? And... irresponsibly?

OK so part of me sorta is repulsed by this idea, part of me finds the whole thing horribly amusing, and you know what? The other part of me is thrilled that when I'm 78 I may still wanna shake my groove thing with my old gheezer cause although he may be old, he's "gonna be spry".

They blame the spread of disease on Viagra, lack of sexual education, and no fear of pregnancy. Apparently there have been cases of couples being caught playing a little nineteenth hole in their golfcarts, and skinny dipping in the community pools at eight in the morning. How would you like to be the kid visiting Granny and Pa Pa and running out to the pool, towell in hand only to be acosted with the sight of Mae and Benny playing bubbles in the hot tub?

Frightening, frightening prospect.

Personally, acts of public nudity and exhibitionism aside, I say you go boys and girls. I think they should have some maturation MATURATION programs, perhaps a bit of sex ed. classes available, maybe some strict golf cart/hokeypokey guidelines, a no-black-market Levitra campaign, but other then that I feel that they are adults and should enjoy their twilight years as they wish.

Responsibly of course. And with the blinds closed, please. Little Petey is visiting.

You think you know someone

Today while at my sisters house using up all her available internet, because as you know we don't believe in such things at my house, I decided I needed a Walmart Popscicle. You know the sweet ones that are like giant Otter Pops but better and cheaper? Yeah those.

So anyway, in this search I ventured into her garage and popped open the freezer. Bingo. Not green ones, but you know, I guess I can handle that. I grab the frozen lightsaber a la sugar water and am about to shut the freezer door when a little brown box with writing on it catches my attention. My sister is the queen of goodies. She has a food storage that would make army ants marvel. So I grab this thing to see what sort of fabulous treat she must have to have to hide it in this non-descript box in her freezer.

It says this:

Abercombie

June 8th to

September 15th 2003

We loved to hear you sing

Thats right.

Nestled in between the Lean Cuisine, popscicles, and taquitos is my sister's dead canary. Not even newly dead. No this thing has been in there chilling and being dead for nearly THREE years. Now I love my sister, and I want to deny that she really did get some of those crazy genes that my dad has and so I try to think that maybe there is a logical reason for this:

She really really did love that canary I bought her... maybe she is waiting till you can clone your pets so she can have one made. Like an afghan or something.

Or maybe she is waiting to have a autopsy performed on him. I mean... he DID die under some mysterious circumstances.

Canaries is good eatin???

There has to be SOME good reason. Cross your fingers that the genetic crazies haven't gotten to my sister afterall.

bitterness ensues

Can someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me what this is about?!? I mean seriously?

What IS this???

Why is it that whenever I buy a candy that has multiple flavors in the package I get a shocking lack of the best flavor?? ONE green? Come-on people! Never fails. But don't worry I will get at least half a bag of the lemon which I believe, in all civilized societies, is looked down upon for its numerous "bleh" qualities.

Its like when you were a kid and picked out a cereal that you didn't really loooove as much as you led your parents to believe so you could get the groovy prize inside. Later you find that after you had searched both sides of the bag and emptied the whole box into your Mom's largest Tupperware bowl, that you'd been ripped off, and had managed to pick the one in a hundred that they had conveniently left the prize out of. Yeah remember THAT disappointment?

Still stings.. doesn't it?

Now you know how I feel.

I hate to be hard on any of our sex, but there it is

This morning I started on my way to work and was almost to the onramp when I saw one of my absolute favorite things.

The woman in the car directly in front of me on this stop and go road was applying mascara while driving.
Its things like this that allow men to say things like, "stupid woman drivers". I got so incensed I may have called her some not so nice things under my breath. Ok I said, "may" just then. That's not true, I DID. I said lots of not so nice things about her and maybe not so under my breath either.

I can't think of anything more stupid. I am a texter as I mentioned in a past blog. But I will wait till I get at a light before I start pounding buttons. Randy makes fun of me for my refusal to text on the freeway. Please... I'm not an idiot.

That woman was an idiot. How can you possibly even pretend to say you could still watch the road when you are looking in the mirror AT your eye and trying to avoid sticking a brush into your pupil? Unless she had super sensory powers of depth perception or walleyes that move independently of each other she is just the type of female that makes the rest of us look bad.

So mascara applying lady, where ever you are. I hope for all our sakes you give yourself a nice big poke in the cornea someday and then maybe you will rethink your bad decision and become a respectable member of society.