Monday, May 31, 2010

Excuses excuses, a smidgen of self loathing, utter disgust, and finally a little brevity and touch of smug satisfaction

I know my blog posts have been coming with the frequency of my sister's child support checks and I apologize to anyone who has checked back more then once only to be greeted again and again by the sinister smile of Ellen.

I've been busy.

Take a look. To the right is a picture of the garbage can next to my computer. It is filled to the brim with empty cans of carbonated beverages and flattened candy boxes and wrappers. This means only one thing:

I have been working Photoshop magic for nearly a fortnight.

I once noted in a prior post that editing required a constant sugar supply. If the sugar stops all production stops. The sugar must flow. Add that to the late nights I have been hard at work and you gotta add the caffeine. That's how this whole thing works. I have been working on a new website AND editing two shoots (and the day job). Its been busy. And I have had PMS... basically this last couple weeks has been a recipe for waistline disaster.

Lets move on to something even MORE unpleasant... shall we? Recently I had a family shoot. They were a family that really wanted something urban so we met up at the salt flats for a cool location that really fit their style. We noticed right off the bat when we got there hundreds of little flies.

They were everywhere. I looked down on my shoulder and I'd see hundreds. It was disgusting, it was shiver inducing, but since they were so small perhaps, we decided to tough it out. After all we'd come all that way. From the picture you can see shooting was a challenge as people kept wanting to move to swat the nasty little vermin away.

We swatted, we swiped, we spit, we wiped tiny flies out of our lip-gloss, and we shot. However, it soon became apparent that not only were these little guys a nuisance, but they were also BITING.

The family I was shooting was debating a reschedule when I looked at my sisters face and saw blood red welts in the corners of her eyes. That was enough for me. I called it and we tore to our respective vehicles shaking and swatting. We rolled the windows down and drove like bats outta hell. As we left it became quickly apparent that we each had a hundred billion raised bites. Lore had a mass along her hairline, I could feel my back was full of them, Alexis claimed she looked like she had the pox. Then... the itching began.

This is a picture of my back as it looked after we had made it home. It was disgusting. Together the three of us suffered most of the entire next week. I have never scratched so much in my entire life. Damn biting midges. Who knew?

Luckily that day was not a complete waste as we found some time to have a mini shoot with a couple girls that Alexis knew. This is the lovely Moriah. I'll have these posted soon.

Speaking of posting, the new website is now launched! Please go ahead and have a look at it. I have new bridals posted. I have been working on it for the last three or four weeks and I'm thrilled I'm finally caught up. If you have had it on your blog rolls please update it again or it won't show you when I've posted anything new. If you've never been but you're interested in seeing my work check it out at the link on the top right or at

Finally!! Now what am I gonna do with myself???

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Cha Cha update---or otherwise titled "How Cha Cha is a Writhing Den of Depravity"

Just for the sake of revisiting last weeks topic... Once again my BFF Di and I found ourselves on the same couches, same time, same Tivo'd channel.

Its interesting how American Idol stimulates such deep and fulfilling conversation.

While listening to the judges prattle on while feeling self important, Diana mentioned to me that her husband Sam had heard that Ellen Degeneres has tattoo sleeves which is why she always wears long sleeved shirts. I made a face and said I didn't think she seemed the type. Diana agreed but also noted how it was interesting how she always seemed to have on long sleeved attire.

"I'm gonna ask Cha Cha!" she proclaimed and chortled, "They are always sources of such reliable information." I laughed and agreed. To all those out there who are sarcastically challenged--that was sarcasm.

And... I pity you.

Diana sent off a text message asking about the possibility of arm length tattoos on the new Idol judge. Cha Cha promptly responded with this: "Ellen Degenres has a book titled 'The Funny Thing Is'. It was released on September 28, 2004. Can I help you with anything else?"

To this I sat up and said loudly, "WTF!? Yeah you can! Say, 'Yeah. Can you answer my question ????'" Diana and I both laughed and she texted Cha Cha with our response to their generous offer of further guidance.

Seconds later we got our answer:

"Yes I am gay and so is my lesbian lover. Would you like to join us?"


...come again????

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Because this is all I got right now...

Who here hasn't heard of Cha Cha?


No not the dance. The answering text service that you can send questions to and they text you an answer back. Well?

At one time, it is my understanding that they had (or perhaps still have) answering "guides" here in Utah. You send a text massage to Cha Cha on your phone and a person would sit in front of a computer and find the answer and promptly--or not that promptly, Google it and respond.

Anyway, this Cha Cha business has been going on for quite a while now. Back in the day when it was small and no one had heard of it you could send tons of questions and get nice reliable answers for the most part. As it grew bigger and more popular word on the streets was that they had outsourced a lot of their "answering technicians" to India. Now there is also a question limit in place and they have begun to give some sketchy answers. It has become, instead of a way to answer certain questions, almost more of a type of entertainment because you never know what kind of random answer you would get that only barely relates to the topic.

Just recently, however, our question "guide" decided not only to supply us with the answer, but their personal opinion as well. Case in point:

The other night while running through my long list of Tivo'd entertainment, my friend Di and I watched the Sinatra night on American Idol. We started talking about the Rat Pack and we decided to ask Cha Cha who all the members were because we could only really remember three. We got this answer relatively promptly:

"Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford. I bet they got laid non-stop!!! Cha Cha is SWEET!!"

Yes. It most certainly IS.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Rock music befuddles the mind

I recently attended a rock concert with my friend Diana featuring Daughtry with Lifehouse and Cavo as opening acts. It was a good time and even though I wasn't really familiar with Cavo, I enjoyed all the sets. It had been a little while since I had been to a real rock show and while there I gleaned some interesting factoids. I call them fact-toids because they are opinion with a little tiny bit of space debris sized fact included. Okay? Off we go!

First off. Old people like Daughtry. Like my mom's age old. They also like to stay seated throughout the entire concert and I'm betting complain bitterly that all they can see is the glint of the spotlight off Chris' shaved head. Eh... at least they got the early bird prices at Sizzler before heading to the E Center.

Next up: Women of great size love a man with a shaved head and tight jeans. That's not to say that woman of all sizes might not enjoy such a man, only that there seemed to be a large quantity of really big gals there, and thusly such a concert does great things for your own self esteem. By the end of the evening, me and my ample behind felt absolutely smokin.

If you are an opening act, opening for the OTHER opening act, and maybe haven't really hit it big yet you should probably teach your audinence your hot single before asking them to sing it without you. The lead singer of Cavo got at mix of garbled humming and...

"Coulda been the the champagne, ...champagne?"

"No, its coulda been the migrain, MIGRAINE."

" ...the three-way????"

"I love this song."

If you are interested in the actual lyrics you can hear the song here.

Then we have the very large population of shaved headed men. Now I can be down with the head shaving thing on certain guys. Chris Daughtry, Jason Statham, Vinn Diesel are nice examples of attractive men that keep it cropped close. However, at this concert were many a man that just could not pull it off. Instead of looking tough and hot, they looked like a misshapen melon had hijacked a body. And a wallet chain. Guys if you think you might wanna go for the shaved head look, do it in the privacy of your own home on a long weekend. And then ask your girl how it looks. If she answers without laughing and or crying you're golden.

Or she's a woman of dramatic proportions. Either way, someone likes how it looks. I'm just sayin.

Lastly, it seems that if you're a woman, you should be wearing a shirt and or jeans with a great deal of "bling". We're talking glitter, or rhinestones, or at the very least sequins. Oh and also loud rock music, bright lights, reflective concert-wear and Chris Daughtry on stage can lead to moments of forgetfulness... on purposeness... as illustrated below:

Di (while eyeing a particularly glittery drunk girl): Maaaan... I can't believe I didn't wear my sequin shirt tonight.

Me (in an equally valley-girlesque tone): I know right?? Now Chris will NEVER see you in this crowd. Uhhh.

Di: Crap! I know!! Just great... but he's married anyway so...

Me: Is he?

Di: Yeah don't you remember?

Me: I mean is he still? Do you know for sure?

Di: Oh I'm sure he is,


...and come to think of it... so am I.