happy birthday to me, me, ME!!

Because my birthday is coming up soon now, and I am going to be old, and also because I was raised to be crass and vulgar I thought I would make a list of things I want for my birthday. That way all my friends, loved ones and family members know what to get me. Especially those "trust fund baby" friends that are living modestly because they don't want friends like myself to know and treat them differently. Hey no worries!! I'll treat you like dirt the same as ever!! Now get me something!!

Also as a side note, could you PLEASE coordinate your gift giving with each other so I don't have to PRETEND to be excited about something I already got? Seriously that blows. How about we just use the comments sorta like a gift registry and you can say what fabulous thing you're gonna get me. Genius!! And while we're at it people... stick to the list. I don't like it when people go all "rogue" and think they are being "imaginative". Imaginative = Crap I Don't Want. Thank you.

First things first. We'll start out slow. I would like a iMac desktop computer. A fabulous machine I have been coveting for well over a year and which every Justin Long commercial successfully rubs my nose into. As a special bonus for whoever gets me this, I will take and edit family pictures for them for LIFE. Pretty sweet deal eh?? Eh?? Yeah I know folks, take it easy, first come first serve. Reminder: I only need one.

Next we have golf equipment. I'd like a new Taylormade Burner. I'm sure Randy could help you with specifics if you'd like to get a hold of him. I also am in need of a new set of irons and a pair of shoes. Lastly I really would enjoy a new bag. I'm really picky on the bag, guys. So make sure you covertly ASK me before you ASSUME that I like Nike, because seriously... what IS that?

Now don't think I left out my non-working nieces and nephew. Theres something on the list for everyone folks! I'd like some more Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue perfume. Its a better deal if you get it in the set with the lotion and bodywash so I guess that would be ok. But for heavens sake... get it gift wrapped at least. Show you care.

Next up is the new Cannon 50D. I've been thinking I really need something with a bit more oomph. If you know what I mean. And while we're at it, if you just wanna add on any of the Image Stabalizing lenses by Cannon, that would make an adorable gift basket. Any of the lenses will do really, I'm not picky. But lets stick with the Cannon. Knock-off's aren't really my style, if you know what I mean. I'm less particular about lighting equipment if you wanna do some add-ons.

And there you have it. I know what you're thinking, but the list is so short!! I know, right? I don't want much. I'm a pretty simple girl and my needs are relatively small. I tried and tried to think up more but this is all I could come up with. If you have any questions about certain specifics feel free to give me a shout out. Happy shopping!

Mac envy

So Apple has these fun commercials where two actors play Mac and PC. PC is played by a short, chubby awkward guy with glasses and Mac is played by actor Justin Long who is strangely cool without looking like he tries very hard. The campaign is pretty witty and smart and I think they really connect with people. I think they are pretty humorous and I always stop my Tivo in mid fast forward to watch if I think its new.

Unfortunately, my computer is a short chubby awkward guy with devil horns, a spiked tail, pitchfork and a bad sense of humor. His name is Dell. I hate Dell. I'm pretty sure Dell hates me. I've never actually come out and asked because we don't talk much. We're not friends. Dell is overly dramatic, stubborn and slow. I'm very demanding and bossy. We just don't mesh but we are forced to spend long amounts of time together and it makes us both hot under the collar and frustrated.

Dell sometimes refuses to charge even though we had a big to do about it once before. We got Dell a new battery and supply cord. We were very cordial. I promised to be nicer, but it all began to fall apart soon after that. Dell gets mad and charges intermittently when he feels like it, on and off, over and over, and the now the battery lasts half as long as it should. Sometimes Dell won't charge at all and we have to beg, plead, and cajole till he's done being a drama queen.

Recently Dell got a virus. He blamed it on us. Granted our virus protection was frighteningly low but that's because when we do have it set to the full protection he gets lazy. Dell starts taking ten minutes to get his lazy butt up and another five to get us on to the internet. I think he feels safe so he messes with us. Since then Dell has been a real snot; freezing pages or taking an eternity to load. I've had it up to here.

Randy hates when I complain about Dell. He figures if I hate Dell so much I should just go and buy a new desk top. That's great I'd love to do that but unfortunately I have my heart set on Mac. He's cute, and stylish and ohhhh so cool. He's really artistic and would be great for a photographer like myself. Unfortunately, Mac is also pricey. So I am saving and its gonna take me some time. I want the works. Dell and I will just have to get along for a while longer. In the mean time we will resort to some petty taunting. Randy has already started. Check out Dell's sweet decals.

He's pissed.

maybe she's born with it

So yesterday while strolling the hallowed aisles of Wal-Mart I succumbed to my vanity.

Now in general I would say I'm not vain. I mean I do like to look nice and rarely leave the house without make up but if I really truly were vain I would have a lot of questions to answer considering the ample size of my butt. I'm definitely not one of those velour jogging suit clad women on Jerry Springer that personify the term "jiggle" and say things like, "I's aaaaalll that!". I have my good points but I am also sane enough to know my less then glorious points as well.

Anyway, yesterday I made a bee line right to that Maybelline aisle. I had seen this commercial on TV a lot lately with a gorgeous pouty lipped model talking about their VolumeXLSeduction Lip Plumper as her hair blew fantastically around her in a dramatic and awe inspiring way. Her hair never even got stuck in her gloss. That says something. I decided to give it a try.

Did I mention it cost eight dollars?

Awhile back when I had been tanning my lips had gotten chapped AND burned and it turned my pout into something sensationally puffy--for the day at least. It was then that I knew that if I didn't already feel so strongly that we are beautiful just the way God made us (read: If I only had the money to spend in such a frivolous way) I would totally get collagen injections.

My feelings about plastic surgery are simple. If you do it because it makes you feel better about yourself, do it. If you're doing it because you want you and your imaginary BFF Kiera Knightly to look exactly alike, don't do it. If you work out hard but just don't get the results you've been trying so hard for, get it. If you think you need to be unnaturally out of proportion to please your man or stick it to the ex-boyfriend, DON'T GET IT. Don't do it if you're just trying to be perfect like your neighbor with the cheating lawyer husband and the BMW. If you do it for the wrong reasons I seriously doubt that that is what you're missing and the plastic surgery isn't going to fix it.

That last part I think is seriously important. I read an article not to long ago that said that Utah was third in the country for breast enlargements after California and Florida. Now with the majority of our population being ultra conservative and or dress modestly due to their religious belief, what do you really think is driving these women? We cannot claim the oceans of models, actresses and other look-based industries that California and Florida do. Do women in Utah have lower self esteems or is there just a bigger push here to be perfect? Does this happen to have any correlation with the fact that we have the highest incidence of prescription drug abuse in the country as well? I'll let you decide.

In the mean time I will just be content with my plumping lip gloss and being uncomplimentary to those people in Hollywood that definitely have done it and won't admit it. Mariah... I'm talking about you!! I think a lot of us would have a thing or two lifted or sucked out or put in. What would you do if money wasn't an option? And if you are just dying to know if this plumping thing actually works I will tell you this: I'm not sure. It tingles. I can tell you that. And sometimes I think they do look bigger, but I could just be deluded.

I wish the real world would stop hasseling me.

I have recently returned from my first vacation in two years. My boy Randy, my two very good friends Ber and Di, and myself drove to San Diego and from there went on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. It was an adventure, and though sometimes complicated trying to please everyone, for me in particular it was the best of both worlds. Randy got to golf and see Tiger play at the Buick Invitational. I got to explore beaches in La Jolla, go to Sea World, and sun bathe at a resort in Ixtapa with the ladies. Perfection. We had three stops on the cruise: Acapulco, Zihuatenejo/Ixtapa, and Manzinillo (Chanel--you were so right, Ixtapa is where its AT).



Heres the highlights:

• Returning to San Diego, an emerald green, beautiful, friendly, coastal city that I adore.


• Rolling down the windows in January


• Spending time with my good friends that in the daily hustle and bustle I don't get to see as much as I like.


• I finally got to touch a dolphin. And yeah.. okay, they sorta do feels like a wet hot dog.

• Having someone to wait on me, clean up after me, and basically taking care of every whim.


• Consuming more guacamole, chocolate melting cake, shrimp, mango strawberry angel food cake trifle, and carbonated beverages then ever before recorded.


• Enjoying four different beautiful beaches.


• Hairy chest contests


• Good natured mockery of kareoke singing Canadians


• Watchhng Di give Mexican booth owners the wagging finger while proclaiming "I don't want no pesos!


• BubuLubu


• Going down more waterslides then I have since the days of Classic Skating


• The term "all inclusive"


• Hearing about multiple snow storms in Utah while enjoying sunny 90 degree weather.

• The sweet tan I have now and the fact that I have escaped almost completely burn and peel free.


• Towell animals. They make me happy.


• Returning to Ocean Park Inn on the boardwalk. My favorite place to stay.

• World Famous Restaurant's lobster bisque ::drools::
  

The Lowlights (or what I like to call "things that make for better stories")

• Watching Ber sleep almost the entire way to California while Di and I tossed and turned ALL night.


• The decor of our first Hotel in Cardiff by the Sea looked like Queen Victoria' s stuffy Aunt Mildred's country estate.




• How you feel after consuming more guacamole, chocolate melting cake, shrimp, trifle and carbonated beverages then ever recorded.


• Mild heat stroke from the 90 degree weather


• Being forced to pay little boys for shoddy merchandise.


• The initial fear of imminent death the first time snorkeling

• Getting smacked in the face by Di's non-conformist paddling tecnique.


• Eating at least one wave at three of those four beautiful beaches


• Bathrooms with no toilet paper... oh and no running water either, Did I forget that?


• Hairy chest contests


• Surprise surprise but when you disenbark from San Diego in January its not warm on the deck till the second day at sea. who knew?

• Having sand... everywhere.


• Being sea sick. Anyone who says you can't feel the boat move LIES.


• Watching Ber smother her daily cheese and ham omelet with maple syrup.

• Lobster bisque does not come with free refills.
• Dolphins are whores. You must pay for their affection.
• Cult owned 7-11's with no bathrooms
• My head has started to peel. I now look like I have chronic dandruff. Great, I did say I almost escaped.
• Have become slug.

It was so fun. I can't wait to get out of here again already!!

For another take on it check out my friend Bers blog here.