Monday, March 14, 2011

Possible ways to get arrested for breaking public decency laws

I could--without a doubt--bathe in vats of Cafe Rio's Tomatillo Ranch Dressing... 
Buuuuuut..  they probably frown on things like that.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Really??? No not really.

Have you ever been out and about and heard this in a conversation?

"We don't use sarcasm in our house."

"Sarcasm is rude."

"Sarcasm is just a form of lying, we don't tolerate such things."

Perhaps you yourself have said things like that. Or maybe you were one of the kids whose parents uttered such. Well either way--I pity you. Cause there is something else these persons seem to have forgotten:

Sarcasm is freaking AWESOME.

Yeah, that's right. That WASN'T sarcasm. Its true. Sarcasm is hilarious. If its funny, a third of the time there is some form of sarcasm involved. Not letting your kids use sarcasm in the home is virtually the same as home-schooling if you are aiming for future social awkwardness. Yeah yeah... here come the home-schooled/home schooling parents coming down on me, but I'm just basing this on my own experiences. EVERY SINGLE HOME-SCHOOLED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET HAS BEEN STRANGE. There you have it. That's all I can say in that department. Not that they weren't likable or nice---but they certainly didn't have it easy when they hit high school and tried to fit in. NO sir.

Square pots and round lids.

Ever met that one person that just couldn't tell when you were kidding??? How it RUINED anything funny ever said? How they then would assume you were kidding when you weren't and everyone else would stand around scratching their heads because, who IS this guy??? Yeah... That's what happens. Parents, I URGE you--let the sarcasm run freely like the waves over the sand. Don't set your lovely blond daughter up to look ditsy. Don't hang your son out to dry by making him look like a dumb jock except without any athletic ability. Help them to recognize sarcasm. Not only will it assist them in their journey to adulthood, I guarantee that they will be funnier, well adjusted, and three times better looking.

And that last part was sarcasm. Just testin' ya.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Hear ye Hear ye!!

To all people of the inter-web!! Please help my poor, homely, working single mother of FIVE, sister win a photography workshop. Yes it is ALL true minus the homely part. She could really use the break and she totally deserves it. All you have to do is click on the link below, and VOTE. Literally takes THIRTY seconds. Her name is LORE BUNKER.


It counts one vote per computer, so vote on your smart-phones, your tablets, your ipads, your work computers!! Every vote counts!! Please help me spread the word!!

Thank you so much!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

I never knew a new job oppurtunity would present itself in such a graphic manner

I recently had a photo-shoot. It wasn't for a client. It was one that my sister and I had come up with just for some extra fun and to try out some ideas. Basically something to keep us sharp and from gnawing off our own limbs during the slower winter months. Leave it to me to make things harder then necessary.

I decided, not only did I want a cute couple but I wanted a couple cute dogs too!! What's better then living breathing adorable props?? That's right, win win!!

Lets take you back. All is going well. My models are AWESOME. The weather is PERFECT. The dogs are behaving towards each other and all other persons there with great decorum. After we had wrapped up some shots of just, you know, the people, we decided to see if we could get a couple with just the dogs. I had a lovable 6 year old schnauzer named Trevor owned by my bff Kristen and then an energetic little ball of golden fluff, my sister's bff Melanie's Pomeranian Little Bear. Both owners were on sight to act as dog wranglers.

Little Bear is on the young side so all he wants to do is be a puppy and take off, run around, and lick everyone senseless. He has long since gotten over the fact that Trevor is there for the most part, but Mel doesn't want to let him loose off his leash in case he decides to make a jailbreak and take off for the hills. Because of this she uses a small sled that my sister brought as a doggie prop to tie Bear to so that he will (more or less) stay stationary. Kristen then convinces the older and more dignified Trevor to sit on the sled. He's very well trained and while not looking enthused by the prospect of sitting on a cold sled while this pup gallivants around he stays where he's told.

Drama ensues.

I've realized my flash drive is full so I am doing the godzilla stomp through the snow in order to get a new one out of my bag. My sister continues to try and get a shot, but as soon as Kristen leaves Trevor to stand up and walk away Little Bear decides now is a good time to get to know his new acquaintance a little better. You know by doing what dogs do: shaking his hand. OK OK... Sniffing his butt. Trevor looks back at the offender but listens to his "Mom" who keeps repeating, "Treeeevorr... staaaaay" in a low voice, while Melanie keeps calling to Little Bear trying to convince him to stop being so friendly. Giggling.

Umm... This is where this blog launches into PG-13 land. If you are easily offended you should maybe visit Austin's link over there on the right. He's very PC. NOW... onward!!

I'm nearly to my bag when Kristen suddenly proclaims "Ahhh man!! He's licking his weiner!!!" And yes... he is. Little Bear apparently wants DESPERATELY to be friends. All the rest of us know is that this shot is not going to make it to the website. Trevor is sitting there on the sled with the most humiliated flop-eared expression--he just can't believe we are all just making him suffer through this degradation.

I nearly died, "I didn't know this was going to be a dog porn shoot!!"

Kristen quickly retorted, "Not just dog porn---GAY dog porn." Bunch of sicko's.

So there you have it. Gay dog porn. There probably IS a market for it. NO, I'm not going to look for it. And yes in case you were wondering, Trevor's debasement was indeed caught on film. And NO. I'm not going to post the pictures.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So it turns out I'm pretty boring these days...

It has come to my attention that I must be preparing to hibernate. Why do I say preparing?? Because, although I have been indeed acting in a sloth-like manner (ie. coming home from work, eating dinner, then permanently parking on my couch to watch Chopped and only resuming mobility to make it to my bed at night) I am still stuffing my face as if I plan on living off my fat stores for three long winter months.

I think now would be a good time to break into the personal pantry if you know what I'm saying. Moo.

Oh... and blog more. Gees. Nag nag nag.