Sometimes my life really does serve as a warning to others...

So, some may call this a spoiler. I call it being NICE.

Friday of last week I saw The Watchmen.

It was, hands down, The Worst Film EVER. Now that this major milestone in my life has been met I can move forward with a degree of confidence that every movie I see forthwith will at least be better then that. Saying that it was the worst movie ever takes some doing, because it took pretty much an act of God to dislodge Howard the Duck out of that spot. Lets give The Man a hand for having fooled me all this time.

Now before I get carried away, I'll tell you this: I love me a good super-hero/comic book type flick. Who doesn't? Also I quite enjoyed the last graphic novel-turned film by the same director which was 300 and a fantastic good time. I wrongly used these things as a basis as to why I should enjoy the watchmen. Silly silly me.

First off, the movie and its whole storyline is so convoluted and messy. The film drags on for nearly three hours and every SECOND is crammed with so much that you neither like nor care for any of the characters. The costumes look not unlike things I've seen 13 year olds wearing on Halloween. I should have known it wasn't going to get any better when the coolest guy in the entire film looks like a dirty sock and talks with a Christian Bale "Batman" voice the whole time, the villain resembles and dresses like Siegfried sans Roy with Tiger-esque thing in tow, the heroine basically dons latex lingerie and her love interest looks like a dopey 80's Chevy Chase wannabe that even Clark Kent couldn't pretend to be intimidated by. It was basically a dream for the nerd set. They got to see a fairly graphic sex scene between two "super-heroes", some eye-roll inducing romantic moments and then a sudden swift change to completely gratuitous violence.

And last but not least by a long shot, we have "Dr. Manhattan" or as I like to call him: The Naked Nuclear Blue Dude. This character is the only one in the whole movie that has any true abilities (despite the fact that the rest of them manage to kick everyone else's butt with nothing going for them other then the fact they have a 70's porn star mustache and are wearing their mother's old bath robe or a head band). I don't know about you but the quickest way to make a superhero not cool is to make them invincible. What fun is that? Whats Superman without kryptonite? Whats Wolverine without the bad dreams and equally bad attitude? Whats Spiderman without girl troubles and self loathing???
Anyway... moving on to the real issue here. Doc likes to pretty much spend the film nude and the director pretty much likes to make the camera angle crotch level.

Never in my life had I seen blue penis. And now I've seen more then I ever wanted to.

Thank you Watchmen. Thank you.

Because everyone deserves something nice for Valentine's...

Yesterday while waiting for my email to load (which takes an infernally long time for some reason) I saw an article on my homepage about what men want for Valentine's Day. Well I had some time to pass so I thought, "Why not?". While it totally left out anything having to do with razors, remotes, sports, and flat screen TV's which I totally expected to see in the whole stereo-typical 'Boy Gift List', it still had a few things that made me roll my eyes... or at least give them the eyebrow. It was written by a man. Maybe I had expected too much.

The first thing that I can maybe get behind cause it could be fun for both of you was starting some email or text flirting/foreplay in the morning and carrying it throughout the day. He mentioned sending a sexy email telling your guy what you love about him. Ok. I can see this. Every body likes to hear what their partner finds attractive about them. Just don't say something like, "Your back fat. Its sooo sexy!" cause even if you strangely do like it they may not. Then they just think you're with them cause you like back fat which is never good.

The next one said that while men loved to be thanked and given gifts on Valentines too its basically a holiday for women and he probably has the whole show planned out so don't try to undermine his plans. Save it for two weeks later and do something for him then. Now this might be the case for the guy who wrote it, but at my house we have learned something. Randy doesn't plan anything. His ideas for plans are asking me, "What do you want to do tomorrow?". And this isn't just with holidays in general, its his whole life. The man doesn't plan. It was left out of his DNA. If he does make a plan for a couple days in advance it usually centers around a little white ball and sticks they call clubs. I think that I have been the ring leader of any big plans we have had on any holiday ever. Usually for us Valentine's means a nice candle lit dinner at home because theres no reason to waste time waiting three hours in line at a restaurant when we can go anytime. Now I'm not knocking Randy's thoughtfulness. Randy is pretty much thoughtful and generous everyday, I'm certainly not going to get after him about his last minute run to Walmart. Or the strangely shaped bolster that he came in and handed me in years past. We call it the Monkey Cow. Thats all I will say about this.

Next the article said that a great gift idea for him was to buy YOU some lingerie and wrap it up for him and then put a note with it that says something like,"I'll be wearing this to dinner". On every list I've seen out there for what NOT to get WOMEN right up there near the top is "Lingerie". But I guess now in the new modern days we let the women pick out their own underwear. Not a bad idea. A woman is definitely going to get something that FITS. And you can bet your first born she's not going to get something she doesn't look good in. Now while this may mean it might not be what the man thinks is the super-sexiest-thing-ever, you can rest assured youre more likely to have a better night with a woman who is not inhibited or embarrassed by the leather dominatrix outfit you bought her. So letting a woman pick out her own sexy outfit aside, isn't this about as original as a box of chocolates and a rose? And I bet there's more then one woman out there that balks at the thought of spending all that money on something that will be worn for thirty seconds and most likely never again.

The last one was... are you ready for this one? A steak. It said that men like red meat. You should be willing to go somewhere he can have some. And as a lovely side note he mentioned that red meat boosts testosterone. Swell. and here all this time I thought Randy wanted a flat screen TV. What he really wanted was to make all the plans, for me to buy MYSELF underwear, to have some beef, and for me to take HIM out to dinner two weeks later. What a fool I've been!!

After rolling my eyes and finally looking at my newly loaded mail I saw another Valentines gift idea that made me laugh.

Yep. Nippies. Patch of FREEDOM. They advertise these as something you can wear so you can feel comfortable wearing a sheer top or any other revealing clothes. I guess in case you have a whoops you can be okay knowing that you have a heart patch over your nipples and your exposure will be oh so stylish. They also noted that they are fun and flirty for the bedroom and are water proof.

Awesome.

Yeah that would be cool on Valentine's Day. Covering up a major arogenous zone with something that would hurt ten times more then a band-aid to pull off. Oooo-weeee. Sign me up!!

After that I decided to look around for some other really good gift efforts. Here's a few of my favorites:

Thats right ladies, now when you get up at 5 in the morning to make your man a nice hearty breakfast before he hurries into the office you can give him a special surprise. On his toast.



I couldn't help myself... have you ever seen anything MORE rediculous. Thats what my underwear looks like after four years. And those are free. Usually I throw them away at that point. I know what youre thinking , oh no, not before that. But now I know better,



Oh yeah. American Gladiator E-cards. Best. Thing. Ever. Di this one is for you.


Why shouldn't a man buy himself underwear and give it to you? Thats what I thought. And here we go!!

And last but not least... for all of those celebrating Single Awareness Day. We have a gift for you too!!
I hope you all have a Happy Valentine's Day!! What do you want for Valentine's?