Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A painful yet rewarding experience

If perchance you thought from the title that this was going to be a meaningful blog post instead my usual senseless babble, I must assure you that, as usual, you are wrong. Don't you know me at all?

Sometime ago I found myself on Amazon.com and happened to look at the gold chest deal for the day. They are specials they run for a limited time where they offer some really good prices. The item was a
Braun 5270 Silk-├ępil X'elle Body System Epilator. Say What? I know right? That was my first response too. Please peruse the following:

Product Description

These days women are busier than ever! Since shaving is the last thing on your mind, Braun created the Silk-epil X'elle -- a 40-tweezer epilator that provides smooth skin for up to four weeks. Best of all, it is significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair-removal systems are known for. Proven Fast and Painless Hair Removal Epilation removes hair at root level resulting in smooth skin that lasts for weeks. The X'elle features Active Massage rollers that glide over the skin and gently stimulate it with micro pulsations before and after the hair is removed to reduce any pain or discomfort.

The perfect solution to all-over hair removal, it features a 40-tweezer system that takes away even the tiniest hair and a SmartLight that highlights every hair, so you can't miss those flat-lying strays. For days when you don't feel like epilating, it comes with an additional shaver head with OptiTrim attachment to trim hair and maintain irresistibly smooth skin.

OK. So there you have it. And I thought to myself, "what a fabulous and wonderful product!! And half off?? I MUST have it!!". And so it was.

In the past I have waxed. Hated it. I found it difficult and messy to do at home and no one really wants to PAY to have a complete stranger watch you writhe in agony. What really excited me about the Epil was that I didn't have to wait till the hair on my legs had reached Sasquatch proportions, as I would if waxing. The hairs need only be maybe three days worth of growth, not two weeks of feeling like cha-cha-cha-Chia. Awesome. Secondly, I only need do it several times right off the bat and then just an upkeep sweep of things every two weeks or so. No more shaving in the shower everyday and no more expensive razors. Faboo!!

When I first received the Epil in the mail Randy was in St George participating at a golf tourny. I thought this was a fabulous thing as then I would have no one laughing at me as I attempted something that was bound to be a little painful. I got myself a bottle of water, put on some pajama pants, got comfortable and read all of the instructions.

Then it BEGAN.

First off... let me say that in the description it says that it significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair removal systems are known for. If that is reduced, then all other hair removal systems are just creatively disguised punishments for vain people created by SATAN.

Basically the next two hours were filled with many breaks, heavy breathing, and loudly echoing obscenities shrieked to the heavens. I believe my very first text message to Randy upon using the system was: S#*& my pants!! That hurts like a #$%*@% $&#$*&!!!

Please excuse the strength of my symbols, but at the time I thought this message was only barely capable of relating the intensity of my feelings. The first leg while not exactly a breeze was much easier then the second. The pain at times was so strong that I would have an adrenaline rush which would cause a heat flash and goose bumps at the same time. I began to stop more frequently. It was like my body just had had enough pain and it became progressively harder to finish. My strings of verbal filth came with an even larger smattering of four letter words.

Finally after nearly two hours, mainly due to the ever increasing "wailing breaks" I needed to take, I was done. The Epil works like a dream. However, my legs looked like I had walked through a scene of Hitchcock's The Birds wearing bootie shorts. The entire time I was using the Epil I kept telling myself that it was going to feel so much better when I could get in the shower and get my legs into some warm water. They tell you to exfoliate your skin after to help prevent in-grown hairs and that applying lotion will help with the lingering sting. So, when I was finally done I happily jumped into the shower.

You know how in the summer, if you're unlucky enough to get a sunburn and then later get into a warm shower that it burns fairly well? Well this was like that, plus being attacked by killer bees, plus stinging nettle, PLUS lemon juice. Did I mention I then had to SCRUB my legs with a shower poof to exfoliate? So here I am in the shower bawling like a newborn calf at eleven at night, surely pissing off my neighbors, or at the very least making them think their prayers have been answered and I am being murdered in my tub.

BUT... sadly no.

After getting out I lotioned my legs which does indeed bring a sigh of relief. Then again, at that point so would amputation.

So I know all this does sound nightmarish in quality, but alas I would highly recommend it!! OK so it hurts like a mother the first time, but additional sessions are a breeze! Your legs stay relatively smooth for weeks!! I love it, and now i can say I'm fairly addicted to using it, even with the occasional pain. Granted, all I've done are my legs. If I ever ventured into the bikini area it would probably also be the night that I drunk dial you and tell you I love you and ask if you like cats. I would have to do tequila shots all night to even think about attempting that... and then something tells me that drinking and then epililating that area is only slightly less dangerous then operating a band saw on a crack/Ambien cocktail.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people out there who do that fairly well. I don't know, but I digress.

So, if anybody has ever wanted to try one of these puppies out and is STILL interested after my fun little post here, or if you are just a masochist and wanna give it a whirl, let me know, I'll be happy to let you give it a try.

And one last little thing of note that made buying the Epil oh so worth every penny was that upon hearing me say it hurt so bad, and perchance wanting to laugh at my wimpiness, Randy told me that he would let me do his legs. SUCKA!! I don't believe I've laughed so hard in a long time. And if you were possibly wondering, his epithets were MUCH more colorful then my own.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Chickens.. or Randy MUST love me


Where we live the animal ordinances still allow certain types of farm animals. This is particularly illustrated by the chicken coop in the backyard directly adjacent to our backyard and also our bedroom window.

We are no fans of chickens. Those who are fond of them are the ones who own the infernal God-made alarm clocks. The rest of us realize that the only type of snooze buttons incorporated on these unfortunate models would have to be a well aimed rock and thus we find them detestable. Trust me, after one early summer morning when you have a day off and are shrieked awake by the yodeling/crowing of not one but TWO adolescent roosters, you too would become a chicken hater. Or at least begin to love eating them so much more. Anyway...

The other day I was in my bedroom reading a book when I heard the chickens kicking up a racket. Usually during the day they are tolerably quiet so I looked out the window to see what was causing the commotion. In the neighbor's back yard were two young kids I didn't recognize and a dog that was running around the pen. I don't think these kids live there and it causes me some irritation, but its not a big deal right? Its not till these two kids go into the pen, get scared and run out leaving the coop open and letting all the chickens escape that I start to feel a rise of righteous indignation. I go into the computer room and tell Randy whats going on and we both look outside. What I see appalls me. The dog has one of the chickens in its mouth and runs round the yard shaking it. Sometimes when the dog lets go the chicken tries weakly to escape only to be grabbed up again. I begin to freak out.

Bless his heart. Randy listens to my escalating yowls a la a cow with distemper, and briskly walks outside, confronts the little kids, jumps the fence and takes the dog off the property. He then spends the next twenty minutes trying to convince these intelligently hampered children that they have done something wrong, that they shouldn't be there and need to get out of this yard and go home. Also, that they are stupid stupid little kids. He then catches all the chickens that he finds so distasteful and returns them to their coop despite pecking and flapping.

The next morning when the chickens started off a cacophony of irritation he stated that he wanted to eat them. Or at least let a dog do it.

See. That's LOVE.

(And seriously, what's up with kids these days? Is the gene pool so shallow that children upon doing something WRONG don't even have the sense to RUN anymore??? What the...? )

Monday, February 9, 2009

Random bits and bits and bits and bits...

So here are some random things I wanted to share:

First off, an update of my last post, the seven-week-fifteen-pound-challenge: So guess what happens when you whine on your blog about all the reasons that you surely will not win this bet? Why, one of those perky, three mile running, skinny morning people calls you and tells you in not so many words that she will come by next week to pick you up when she goes to work out and says it in such a way that you can't even think of one reason you shouldn't. THATS what happens.

OK Kim... I'm willing but don't hate me when I opt to walk the first day and spy on your class.


Second thing I wanted to share was this:


Oh the things Randy will do for that Mountain Dew Voltage. And don't worry, there was enough of him sticking out that we were able to recover the body easily enough---blue soda in hand.


Also... I just wanted to wish my blog Happy Birthday!! The actual day was the sixth so I hope it forgives me making my birthday wish a little belatedly. The year was filled with ups and downs and a lot of computer issues. I think this next year is going to be a lot better!!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Seven-Week-Fifteen-Pound Challenge (otherwise titled, Seriously? What am I thinking?)

Yesterday I was informed that there was a bet going on, and I could get in on it if I wanted. Its amazing the things Randy and Amber come up with via text when neither one texts me all day, but I digress.

The bet goes as follows: We (Foodie, my sister and I) have seven weeks to lose fifteen pounds. If we complete this goal Randy will pay for three nights in Park City and golf. If we lose we have to pay, PLUS food and dining out I assume since there are three of us.


I grudgingly accepted. Part of me thinks that I am going to end up shelling out some big money. I'm working extra hours now to pay for car repairs for the foreseeable future. Its cold outside. I have no workout buddy available when I am. I sold my treadmill (it didn't really fit anywhere in the house anyway). And I have a boyfriend who likes me to stay up late with him and gets pissy when I say I am tired.

Whats that smell? ::sniff sniff:: It smells like... defeat.


The only reason I decided to go ahead and get in on it is that (other then a large sum of money) the only thing I have to lose from a little motivation is some weight, right?
So note to self, load up on the following things I like and can still eat:

  • Special K protein bars, for breakfast mostly.
  • pretzels--the flat deli ones are also yummy, especially with...
  • string cheese, or...
  • Laughing Cow Light spreadable cheese wedges.
  • beef jerky (I'm a big fan of high protein /low fat stuff)
  • mix-ins
  • turkey or chicken lunch meats
  • frozen mango (comes in a big bag at Costco or Sam's Club . Its cut into squares and I think its great for that dessert craving. I eat them frozen right out of the bag)
  • Quaker Quakies, specially the honey nut and carmel kinds.
The way I figure it, I will lose weight but I will probably die from something concerning my high sodium consumption or all the aspartame, phenylalanine, and other artificial sweeteners in my water. I'll be waifishly thin and have 18 pound tumors on my butt. At least I can still eat sushi anytime I want. Maybe the mercury poisoning will get me first!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Close call

The other day I saw my life flash before my eyes. Or, at the very least, the life of my Gap wool coat.

It was four days ago. I was enjoying a nice conversation with Randy and my lovely sister (blah de blah!). I was just minding my own business when suddenly---something was hurled directly at me.

It happened in the blink of an eye. The only warning was a low gurgling noise, and then the feel of heat and a strange scent.

My baby nephew Cameron had been lounging in my sisters lap about a yard from where I sat. He had spent much of the conversation cooing and making eyes at me. Obviously a ploy to lure the unsuspecting prey closer.

Without any other warning he let loose a projectile of soy scented spit up directly at me. This stuff quite literally launched from the kid. It came out so fast that it soared over the nearest--and usual target of my sister's whole lap--and flew nearly a foot farther in my direction to land with a audible hissing splat inches from me.

I lunged. Within seconds I was up the stairs on the landing shuddering, congratulating myself on dodging THAT bullet, and promising myself I'd wait till he was 2 to hold him.

Thank heaven for my cat-like reflexes.