Really??? No not really.

Have you ever been out and about and heard this in a conversation?

"We don't use sarcasm in our house."

"Sarcasm is rude."

"Sarcasm is just a form of lying, we don't tolerate such things."

Perhaps you yourself have said things like that. Or maybe you were one of the kids whose parents uttered such. Well either way--I pity you. Cause there is something else these persons seem to have forgotten:

Sarcasm is freaking AWESOME.

Yeah, that's right. That WASN'T sarcasm. Its true. Sarcasm is hilarious. If its funny, a third of the time there is some form of sarcasm involved. Not letting your kids use sarcasm in the home is virtually the same as home-schooling if you are aiming for future social awkwardness. Yeah yeah... here come the home-schooled/home schooling parents coming down on me, but I'm just basing this on my own experiences. EVERY SINGLE HOME-SCHOOLED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET HAS BEEN STRANGE. There you have it. That's all I can say in that department. Not that they weren't likable or nice---but they certainly didn't have it easy when they hit high school and tried to fit in. NO sir.

Square pots and round lids.

Ever met that one person that just couldn't tell when you were kidding??? How it RUINED anything funny ever said? How they then would assume you were kidding when you weren't and everyone else would stand around scratching their heads because, who IS this guy??? Yeah... That's what happens. Parents, I URGE you--let the sarcasm run freely like the waves over the sand. Don't set your lovely blond daughter up to look ditsy. Don't hang your son out to dry by making him look like a dumb jock except without any athletic ability. Help them to recognize sarcasm. Not only will it assist them in their journey to adulthood, I guarantee that they will be funnier, well adjusted, and three times better looking.

And that last part was sarcasm. Just testin' ya.

PGA Tour fashion secrets and further musings

As I have mentioned in the past, my guy is a really big golf fan. This means at my house I spend a lot of time watching golf on TV. Its not as bad as it sounds. When you have an appreciation for the game by having played it, you can really enjoy it. However, when some of the bigger names that I'm a fan of aren't playing it can sometimes still be a bit boring. One of the things that I have seen change over the years is fashion on the PGA. All the big names have their own lines or looks they wear day in and day out. A lot of the younger players coming on tour have their own unique looks and are trying to modernize the fashion on tour and make a name for themselves.

Case in point, Mister Rickie Fowler:



I just have a few musings on this...

1. ...since when does Justin Beeber golf????

2. I didn't know Puma sponsored penal systems.

3. And, mmmm... Cheetos.

Rock music befuddles the mind

I recently attended a rock concert with my friend Diana featuring Daughtry with Lifehouse and Cavo as opening acts. It was a good time and even though I wasn't really familiar with Cavo, I enjoyed all the sets. It had been a little while since I had been to a real rock show and while there I gleaned some interesting factoids. I call them fact-toids because they are opinion with a little tiny bit of space debris sized fact included. Okay? Off we go!

First off. Old people like Daughtry. Like my mom's age old. They also like to stay seated throughout the entire concert and I'm betting complain bitterly that all they can see is the glint of the spotlight off Chris' shaved head. Eh... at least they got the early bird prices at Sizzler before heading to the E Center.

Next up: Women of great size love a man with a shaved head and tight jeans. That's not to say that woman of all sizes might not enjoy such a man, only that there seemed to be a large quantity of really big gals there, and thusly such a concert does great things for your own self esteem. By the end of the evening, me and my ample behind felt absolutely smokin.

If you are an opening act, opening for the OTHER opening act, and maybe haven't really hit it big yet you should probably teach your audinence your hot single before asking them to sing it without you. The lead singer of Cavo got at mix of garbled humming and...

"Coulda been the the champagne, ...champagne?"

"No, its coulda been the migrain, MIGRAINE."

" ...the three-way????"

"I love this song."

If you are interested in the actual lyrics you can hear the song here.

Then we have the very large population of shaved headed men. Now I can be down with the head shaving thing on certain guys. Chris Daughtry, Jason Statham, Vinn Diesel are nice examples of attractive men that keep it cropped close. However, at this concert were many a man that just could not pull it off. Instead of looking tough and hot, they looked like a misshapen melon had hijacked a body. And a wallet chain. Guys if you think you might wanna go for the shaved head look, do it in the privacy of your own home on a long weekend. And then ask your girl how it looks. If she answers without laughing and or crying you're golden.

Or she's a woman of dramatic proportions. Either way, someone likes how it looks. I'm just sayin.

Lastly, it seems that if you're a woman, you should be wearing a shirt and or jeans with a great deal of "bling". We're talking glitter, or rhinestones, or at the very least sequins. Oh and also loud rock music, bright lights, reflective concert-wear and Chris Daughtry on stage can lead to moments of forgetfulness... on purposeness... as illustrated below:

Di (while eyeing a particularly glittery drunk girl): Maaaan... I can't believe I didn't wear my sequin shirt tonight.

Me (in an equally valley-girlesque tone): I know right?? Now Chris will NEVER see you in this crowd. Uhhh.

Di: Crap! I know!! Just great... but he's married anyway so...

Me: Is he?

Di: Yeah don't you remember?

Me: I mean is he still? Do you know for sure?

Di: Oh I'm sure he is,

(pause)

...and come to think of it... so am I.

Performing your civic duty BLOWS.

OK. So yeah. It was fascinating to see our justice system at work first hand. It was also exceedingly long, tedious, frustrating and quite frankly a little bit disheartening.

If you ever find yourself headed to trial or to jury selection, here's some things, from my experience, you can maybe expect:

1. Sometimes the judge is a pretty funny guy and shares personal stories with you. Also these would be a good way to find him if your family member is convicted. You know... to talk with him. In private.

2. In jury selection sometimes you might see people you know. And sometimes because of the topic of the case you learn new things about them. Like how they live in Spanish Fork and have two kids now. Also how they are engaged to a convicted sex offender.

3. Sometimes the defence also has an attorney that is co-chairing a case cause they are new. Watch these attorneys because often they are often patronizing to the opposing council's witnesses and have absolutely no p-p-p-oker face and you can tell that they are really pissed when the judge overrules their objections. Entertaining during really long and or boring testimony.

4. When a witness is on the stand, sometimes the judge's chair breaks and he almost falls out. He almost always finds the wheel later.

5. Occasionally when the jury comes back in after a recess a juror forgets where his or her seat is and tries to jump over the row back to their seat only to get stuck. And embarrassed.

6. At times the bailiff falls asleep.

7. Its hard to get the jury to agree when when one outspoken juror in particular doesn't think that any of the testimony is evidence, that there are no facts, and that all the witnesses were either lying or having "power trips" or "bad day(s)".

8. Sometimes the trial goes on forever. So the court buys you dinner from Brick Oven. Woot! Free food.

9. Could happen that you will deliberate until midnight and the bailiff will come and ask you imploringly if you want to possibly deliberate the next day or if you are almost done. Please dear Lord, say you're almost done.

10. Sometimes as a jury you can not agree even though everyone thinks the defendant is guilty because one juror gets everyone hung up on technicalities while others wring their hands cause they just don't want to send someone to prison. And they are all 23 and younger.

11. Sometimes in their closing statement the defense council says that they aren't calling the police officer who testified a liar, then proceeds to call him a liar. Also... she is scary.

12. Be wildly entertained when in jury room, outspoken juror uses a button to summon the bailiff and gets shocked.

13. Might be you find yourself bitter yet also somewhat redeemed when the outspoken juror that had convinced everyone they couldn't convict the defendant on the evidence at hand is told by the prosecutor after trial that the defendant was not only guilty of the crime but was doing the same thing that put him in jail previously. Juror then yells at the prosecutor telling him he should have done a better job proving his case when almost all the other jurors had wanted to convict the defendant. Might want to strangle said juror. Also, give all underage girls a warning flier with the defendants face on it.

So there you are, just some things to expect while being a part of our nation's amazing justice system. I only hope there's a little blue paper in your future, good luck.

Now. Wheres my eighteen dollars!!!??

Strange new happenings

The cell phone has a strange power over people.

Its almost as if the cell phone is an actual present human being that gives a person a sense of being with others, like a pack mate. Much like the changes that occur when you have the the shy, quiet, lone teen and then you let them loose with other teens and they then become obnoxious, rude, hooligan types with no manners, the same thing happens with the average adult when they become attached to their cell phone in a public place. They go from a right-thinking individual to a tactless, thoughtless, blob of, "What? Did I do something wrong?".

Now perhaps you, the reader do some of the following things. I'm not coming at you. Perhaps you don't even realize the effect your behavior has on those around you because you are so engrossed with your conversation. That's why I'm here. To enlighten you to how big of a jerk everyone else is thinking you are. See, I've got your back like that.

Firstly,

• The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation: For some reason people on the cell phone in public places think we want to hear their side of their conversations. They talk so loud you can hear them several yards away. Lady, I don't care that your sisters husband ruined the family reunion. And seriously, think about it. Do you want a dozen other strangers to know about your dysfunctional relationships? Blue tooth has added a funny element to this particular issue. Not only do all of us around you think that you're annoying, but for the first minute or two we think you're just plain crazy as well. I am so mentally mocking the lady that is 'outside voicing' to the heavens and gesturing as she pushes her cart down the grocery aisle. Then I go home and publicly mock them on my blog. Don't let this happen to you folks. And since we're on the subject of blue tooth ANYWAY...
• The Individual That Wears Their Blue Tooth To Social Gatherings: Just don't. Okay? Basically you're telling everyone around you that they're not important enough for you to miss a call. As a matter of fact, how about we just say if you're not driving or doing something with your hands---you just look like a jerk. Next...
• The Guy Whose Time Is Much More Important Then Your Own: People who stand in check out lanes, post office lines, in front of bank tellers etc and talk on the phone having no regard for the person across from them or the people behind them in line. How about this? How about you show some respect for your fellow human beings? Its called having manners. How would you feel if the bank teller was on a personal call while she counted your money? How about offering the same level of respect to these people that are trying to do their jobs? Difficult to remember that they aren't just animatronic wax figures sent to do your bidding I know, but TRY. Often the animatrons are much nicer that way. Or so I've heard.
• And lastly the strangest phenomenon of all, The Person Who Has Nothing To Hide! (But Who We All Wish Did): This is the individual who I have seen lately that not only carries on The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation, but also has their phone on speaker so we can hear the OTHER side of the conversation TOO!!! Lucky us. Seriously? No wait, I mean SERIOUSLY?

So there you go guys. See how I look out for you like that?? Keep you from projecting yourself as the future crazy neighborhood cat lady? See, I care.

Just looking out for the fatties out there

So guys, in my extensive time on this planet I have accumulated a vast array of knowledge about certain things, and more importantly, life in general. In a recent conversation with a friend I realized that I had yet to impart a very important life lesson to the readers of my blog (I know I have them, the site meter says so. They just NEVER comment because they know my self worth is not measured by such petty little things... where's my Paxil?). SO.. I have decided to go ahead and tell you about what I like to call, "The Python Effect".

This particular lesson has to do with buying clothes. Never ever ever buy pants to big for you. The reason I say this is easily illustrated by our reptile friend the Python. Pythons are large snakes that kill prey by constriction. Many people keep them as pets. An interesting thing to note is that the Python will in general only grow large enough for its enclosure. The bigger the enclosure the bigger the snake will in general grow.

The Python Effect lies in this. Not only will a snake grow to fit its enclosure, but so will a butt. That's it. Simple really. If your pants are loose your butt will instinctively grow to fit them. Do not wear clothes too big for you! Don't ask me how I know such things. It should be apparent.

Take this important lesson and apply it to your life. If I can help just one person avoid the pitfalls of sweat pants I will have done my job.

An emotional plea...

Dear Ornery Old Man in the Fast Lane,

Why? Why do you insist on driving 69 miles per hour in the fast lane and refuse to move back into the middle lane when you aren't going fast enough to pass traffic? Why? Do you feel it is your own personal duty to keep others under the posted speed limit? Do you feel perhaps that the passing lane system is flawed and thus seek to destroy it single handedly? Do you perchance enjoy the power to make other motorists furious, or late, or poop their pants? Does the sight of an empty highway stretching on for miles in front of you as you block the flow of traffic by keeping neck and neck with an panel delivery truck bring you back to your glory days? And why if you will not let others use the lane for its intended purpose do you speed up as others try to pass you on the right? And WHY in the name of all that is HOLY do you not move to the carpool lane since you're with your crotchety old lady ANYWAY???? There you can do all that you are doing and I will not only support it, I will applaud your actions (my next letter is Dear Guy In The Carpool Lane That Moves Into The Fast Lane To Let Others Pass--for some strange unfortold reason). So why old man? Why?

Sir, I implore you. Please, please, PLEASE remove that big old chip of "That Doesn't Apply to Me" from your backside and move into the middle lane where you belong unless you actually need to pass and become a respectable member of society.

Sincerely,

Tracy

Get your freak on... geriatric style

If you wouldn't mind, please view the following video, and we'll get down to business.



The Villages. A retirement community. If you ever watch golf you've seen this commercial a hundred times. I recently stumbled onto a news story about it that was a little old but it was new to me. It seems that in the last five years at the Villages, sexually transmitted diseases including herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea have ran rampant.

What's that??? Grandpappy and all his "ladyfriends" are doing the nasty???

A lot?? And... irresponsibly?

OK so part of me sorta is repulsed by this idea, part of me finds the whole thing horribly amusing, and you know what? The other part of me is thrilled that when I'm 78 I may still wanna shake my groove thing with my old gheezer cause although he may be old, he's "gonna be spry".

They blame the spread of disease on Viagra, lack of sexual education, and no fear of pregnancy. Apparently there have been cases of couples being caught playing a little nineteenth hole in their golfcarts, and skinny dipping in the community pools at eight in the morning. How would you like to be the kid visiting Granny and Pa Pa and running out to the pool, towell in hand only to be acosted with the sight of Mae and Benny playing bubbles in the hot tub?

Frightening, frightening prospect.

Personally, acts of public nudity and exhibitionism aside, I say you go boys and girls. I think they should have some maturation MATURATION programs, perhaps a bit of sex ed. classes available, maybe some strict golf cart/hokeypokey guidelines, a no-black-market Levitra campaign, but other then that I feel that they are adults and should enjoy their twilight years as they wish.

Responsibly of course. And with the blinds closed, please. Little Petey is visiting.

bitterness ensues

Can someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me what this is about?!? I mean seriously?

What IS this???

Why is it that whenever I buy a candy that has multiple flavors in the package I get a shocking lack of the best flavor?? ONE green? Come-on people! Never fails. But don't worry I will get at least half a bag of the lemon which I believe, in all civilized societies, is looked down upon for its numerous "bleh" qualities.

Its like when you were a kid and picked out a cereal that you didn't really loooove as much as you led your parents to believe so you could get the groovy prize inside. Later you find that after you had searched both sides of the bag and emptied the whole box into your Mom's largest Tupperware bowl, that you'd been ripped off, and had managed to pick the one in a hundred that they had conveniently left the prize out of. Yeah remember THAT disappointment?

Still stings.. doesn't it?

Now you know how I feel.

the world isn't fair

Sometimes I feel that women really get the short end of the stick.

Men have it so easy. They don't even know all the crap that we deal with on a daily basis.

Girls have to get up and in order to not become the 'crazy cat lady' of their neighborhood we have to do our hair, put on makeup, and shave our legs. Basically all men have to do is BATHE. That's right guys, just don't stink and you got it made. Nobody cares if a man doesn't have lush eyelashes, thick hair, or glossy lips. When men get wrinkles they still look handsome. Sometimes even distinguished. When you say distinguished about a woman what you really mean is OLD with beady eyes and a bun.

With an afghan on her lap.

With a cat sitting on it.

Women are the buyers of presents. Have you ever noticed that men don't buy their guy friends presents. What? They are macho. All they need to do is give each other a hearty pat on the back and say, "I like the tires on your truck". That is, "Happy Birthday man! I love you!" in man speak. If women didn't give a gift to their friends they would feel all guilty inside and then because they feel badly spend twice as much as they would have to start with. You have to give your girlfriends presents because if you don't they won't give one to you on YOUR birthday.

Catty bitches.

Women have a nasty little anatomical mistake called I like to call ovaries. That's right. We have PMS and a menstrual cycle. Yeah yeah... we like to bawl about it. But its because its TRUE. Unless you are currently using your ovaries or uterus for, I dunno, reproducing, they are the bane of your existence.

Men like to complain about it. Hey we like to complain about it! I don't think guys understand that we didn't plan to be a emotionally akin to a severely burned,bloated female badger defending her young. We can't help it. Your hormones are all out of control and you get emotional. And don't get me started about your period being a little over due. Talk about a bad mood. Its like your whole body is pissed because your ovaries were off messing around eating bon bons while watching Jane Austen adaptions and dropped the ball.

Not only are the hormonal parts a pain but we have the actual period as well. Oh yeah. That's a joy Try planning your vacation around that. For instance, on my recent trip to Mexico I was super paranoid about having to deal with that on top of all the other things I needed to worry about. When I voiced this concern to Randy he said, "You better not be on your period. You won't be able to go scuba diving with us. You'll attract sharks." and then laughed gleefully. If it wasn't funny I might have scratched out his right eye. Later on when it got closer to the date and still no period he asked me when I would be "chumming".

That's right. He's charming folks, and he's ALL mine. Lucky me.

maybe she's born with it

So yesterday while strolling the hallowed aisles of Wal-Mart I succumbed to my vanity.

Now in general I would say I'm not vain. I mean I do like to look nice and rarely leave the house without make up but if I really truly were vain I would have a lot of questions to answer considering the ample size of my butt. I'm definitely not one of those velour jogging suit clad women on Jerry Springer that personify the term "jiggle" and say things like, "I's aaaaalll that!". I have my good points but I am also sane enough to know my less then glorious points as well.

Anyway, yesterday I made a bee line right to that Maybelline aisle. I had seen this commercial on TV a lot lately with a gorgeous pouty lipped model talking about their VolumeXLSeduction Lip Plumper as her hair blew fantastically around her in a dramatic and awe inspiring way. Her hair never even got stuck in her gloss. That says something. I decided to give it a try.

Did I mention it cost eight dollars?

Awhile back when I had been tanning my lips had gotten chapped AND burned and it turned my pout into something sensationally puffy--for the day at least. It was then that I knew that if I didn't already feel so strongly that we are beautiful just the way God made us (read: If I only had the money to spend in such a frivolous way) I would totally get collagen injections.

My feelings about plastic surgery are simple. If you do it because it makes you feel better about yourself, do it. If you're doing it because you want you and your imaginary BFF Kiera Knightly to look exactly alike, don't do it. If you work out hard but just don't get the results you've been trying so hard for, get it. If you think you need to be unnaturally out of proportion to please your man or stick it to the ex-boyfriend, DON'T GET IT. Don't do it if you're just trying to be perfect like your neighbor with the cheating lawyer husband and the BMW. If you do it for the wrong reasons I seriously doubt that that is what you're missing and the plastic surgery isn't going to fix it.

That last part I think is seriously important. I read an article not to long ago that said that Utah was third in the country for breast enlargements after California and Florida. Now with the majority of our population being ultra conservative and or dress modestly due to their religious belief, what do you really think is driving these women? We cannot claim the oceans of models, actresses and other look-based industries that California and Florida do. Do women in Utah have lower self esteems or is there just a bigger push here to be perfect? Does this happen to have any correlation with the fact that we have the highest incidence of prescription drug abuse in the country as well? I'll let you decide.

In the mean time I will just be content with my plumping lip gloss and being uncomplimentary to those people in Hollywood that definitely have done it and won't admit it. Mariah... I'm talking about you!! I think a lot of us would have a thing or two lifted or sucked out or put in. What would you do if money wasn't an option? And if you are just dying to know if this plumping thing actually works I will tell you this: I'm not sure. It tingles. I can tell you that. And sometimes I think they do look bigger, but I could just be deluded.