I never knew a new job oppurtunity would present itself in such a graphic manner

I recently had a photo-shoot. It wasn't for a client. It was one that my sister and I had come up with just for some extra fun and to try out some ideas. Basically something to keep us sharp and from gnawing off our own limbs during the slower winter months. Leave it to me to make things harder then necessary.

I decided, not only did I want a cute couple but I wanted a couple cute dogs too!! What's better then living breathing adorable props?? That's right, win win!!

Lets take you back. All is going well. My models are AWESOME. The weather is PERFECT. The dogs are behaving towards each other and all other persons there with great decorum. After we had wrapped up some shots of just, you know, the people, we decided to see if we could get a couple with just the dogs. I had a lovable 6 year old schnauzer named Trevor owned by my bff Kristen and then an energetic little ball of golden fluff, my sister's bff Melanie's Pomeranian Little Bear. Both owners were on sight to act as dog wranglers.

Little Bear is on the young side so all he wants to do is be a puppy and take off, run around, and lick everyone senseless. He has long since gotten over the fact that Trevor is there for the most part, but Mel doesn't want to let him loose off his leash in case he decides to make a jailbreak and take off for the hills. Because of this she uses a small sled that my sister brought as a doggie prop to tie Bear to so that he will (more or less) stay stationary. Kristen then convinces the older and more dignified Trevor to sit on the sled. He's very well trained and while not looking enthused by the prospect of sitting on a cold sled while this pup gallivants around he stays where he's told.

Drama ensues.

I've realized my flash drive is full so I am doing the godzilla stomp through the snow in order to get a new one out of my bag. My sister continues to try and get a shot, but as soon as Kristen leaves Trevor to stand up and walk away Little Bear decides now is a good time to get to know his new acquaintance a little better. You know by doing what dogs do: shaking his hand. OK OK... Sniffing his butt. Trevor looks back at the offender but listens to his "Mom" who keeps repeating, "Treeeevorr... staaaaay" in a low voice, while Melanie keeps calling to Little Bear trying to convince him to stop being so friendly. Giggling.

Umm... This is where this blog launches into PG-13 land. If you are easily offended you should maybe visit Austin's link over there on the right. He's very PC. NOW... onward!!

I'm nearly to my bag when Kristen suddenly proclaims "Ahhh man!! He's licking his weiner!!!" And yes... he is. Little Bear apparently wants DESPERATELY to be friends. All the rest of us know is that this shot is not going to make it to the website. Trevor is sitting there on the sled with the most humiliated flop-eared expression--he just can't believe we are all just making him suffer through this degradation.

I nearly died, "I didn't know this was going to be a dog porn shoot!!"

Kristen quickly retorted, "Not just dog porn---GAY dog porn." Bunch of sicko's.

So there you have it. Gay dog porn. There probably IS a market for it. NO, I'm not going to look for it. And yes in case you were wondering, Trevor's debasement was indeed caught on film. And NO. I'm not going to post the pictures.

Perverts.

kids are dumb

They are also bluntly honest and cruel, but we're just gonna focus on the dumb part today.

As I was saying, kids are dumb. I know I sure did my fair share of pretty dumb things as a kid like washing rocks with soap and a toothbrush in my mom's sink, starting a small brush fire in the neighbors back yard and bending over anywhere in the general vicinity of my bother-in-law's yellow lab (Dumbest. Dog. Ever. We're talking about the same intelligence level as dirt. Maybe celery).

Anyway, the following is a narrative of a fun game that my childhood best friend Lucky-Unlucky and I used to play in her back yard. Fun, sure, but as you will see, obviously a little too much of a challenge for our cognitive abilities.

As children Lucky and I spent a good chunk of our time in her backyard being tomboys, as I have mentioned in a prior post. We built things, we drowned things, we got all kinds of dirty. You know, the usual stuff. In her back yard was a walnut tree with a rope swing. Now being the imaginative little kids that we were, we got out benches and put them a short distance away from each other with the rope hanging in between in the interest of swinging back and forth. See, cool right?

So that worked well but it lost its appeal rather quickly. So we decided to do an old standby game. The 'you make up a cool swing and we'll both do it and then I will make up one... etc etc'. So we had Superman Swings and Tarzan swings but soon we had to be a bit more inventive. I decided to make up the "Dead Man's Swing". I got the rope and pulled up the end and held it together in a loop. I then put my head in the loop and swung across the benches holding above my head so the rope was slack. While I did it I made some gurgling sound and we both laughed and thought it was all good fun.

Then it was Lucky's turn,

She got her rope ready and pushed off the bench. She never quite made it to the other side. She lost all momentum and just sort of swung lazily in the middle all the while choking and sputtering. I mean this girl was good!! Her legs were all kicking and jerking and her face was turning red. It was awesome. I laughed and laughed!

It wasn't till she finally realized that all she had to do is let go of the rope above her head that I found out that she hadn't been acting---she hadn't quite gotten the gist of the whole 'hold the rope' thing and had actually been there choking to death on her own accord.

Boy was she pissed.

See. Kids are dumb.

the not-so-great outdoors

My friend Lucky Unlucky recently blogged about the movie Into The Wild and left a question out there. Do we think we could leave behind all our worldly possessions and live in the wild with a few meager belongings and leave the everything behind?

I could totally see myself doing that.
I'd leave behind my cute strappy heels, my flat iron, my mascara, my internet, and my Murano. All of my luxury possessions would be cast aside; my down comforter, my throw pillows, my fleece bathrobe. I would hunt and fish for just what I needed to survive. I would be one with nature and would become friends with forest foxes and watch the Grizzly from a respectful distance. I'd gather nuts and berries and would make a suitable winter home, perhaps out of a hollowed tree trunk ala My Side of the Mountain. Also, I would be drunk.

No, more seriously, it would take alcohol AND some serious mind-altering drugs to get me to do that.

As a matter of fact I can't think of much I'd rather do LESS. Its ranked right up there with major in trig and take a kindergarten class to a meat packing company. This is more like what would really happen:

I'd try to pack everything. The mascara, the flat iron, the internet. That's right, its all going in my designer carry-all.
I'd drive up to the mountains in my Murano.
I'd walk for awhile. But not too far cause its hard to carry all that stuff in cute strappy heels.
I'd see fish in the river and my stomach would growl. I'd mumble, "sushi" in my delirium.
I'd try to pet a fox unsuccessfully while calling it "puppy" and would get eaten by a Grizzly.

That's it in a nutshell. I'm a city girl.
I don't even like to camp. But that's another blog post.

I am one who baby-sits

Recently I watched over my good friend Lucky's baby boy while she went down to St George for some business. The little guy is named Trevor. He is ADORABLE! She calls him Bubba. I call him Little Man. What he is, is a complete joy. He's smart. He listens. He's pretty clean. He eats good. He's a cuddler. He's got great manners, She dresses him in the cutest clothes. And he has got the most prescious black mustache.

Granted that last part sounds a bit odd, but thats because Trevor is a Mini Schnauzer.

We had a dog from the time I was 3 til the time I was 21. I love dogs. I'm a true sucker for puppies and I only wish I knew a breeder just so they would let me come over and lay in piles of little tuna-breathed litters for a couple hours everyday. Thats my idea of a real stress reliever right there. So the question is, why don't I have one of my own? Well there was a time there where Randy and I trolled the KSL site everynight looking for a breed that would suit us. Finally after a lot of thought we just decided that we didn't have the time to spend with a dog and it wouldn't be fair to us or the new member of the family. I always feel bad for that little guy that has gotten attached to his "people" only to get abandoned at a shelter. I resolved that would NEVER be me.

So once again, I must live vicariously through others.

While Trevor stayed with me we played fetch a lot. We layed on the couch and vedged a lot. We had some tug o'war going on. We went on lots of rides. We cuddled and snored together, Understandably it was a little weird turning the lights low and getting the Marvin Gaye on with a dog staring at you, but Randy and I dealt with it, which means Trevor and I snuggled together and slept blissfully and Randy complained a lot for three days.

Unfortunately after spending so much time with Trevor I desperately want to steal him. Is dog theft a felony? So here's to Lucky for training such a well mannered little gentleman. You did an outstanding job. Now, when are you leaving again?