Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A painful yet rewarding experience

If perchance you thought from the title that this was going to be a meaningful blog post instead my usual senseless babble, I must assure you that, as usual, you are wrong. Don't you know me at all?

Sometime ago I found myself on Amazon.com and happened to look at the gold chest deal for the day. They are specials they run for a limited time where they offer some really good prices. The item was a
Braun 5270 Silk-├ępil X'elle Body System Epilator. Say What? I know right? That was my first response too. Please peruse the following:

Product Description

These days women are busier than ever! Since shaving is the last thing on your mind, Braun created the Silk-epil X'elle -- a 40-tweezer epilator that provides smooth skin for up to four weeks. Best of all, it is significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair-removal systems are known for. Proven Fast and Painless Hair Removal Epilation removes hair at root level resulting in smooth skin that lasts for weeks. The X'elle features Active Massage rollers that glide over the skin and gently stimulate it with micro pulsations before and after the hair is removed to reduce any pain or discomfort.

The perfect solution to all-over hair removal, it features a 40-tweezer system that takes away even the tiniest hair and a SmartLight that highlights every hair, so you can't miss those flat-lying strays. For days when you don't feel like epilating, it comes with an additional shaver head with OptiTrim attachment to trim hair and maintain irresistibly smooth skin.

OK. So there you have it. And I thought to myself, "what a fabulous and wonderful product!! And half off?? I MUST have it!!". And so it was.

In the past I have waxed. Hated it. I found it difficult and messy to do at home and no one really wants to PAY to have a complete stranger watch you writhe in agony. What really excited me about the Epil was that I didn't have to wait till the hair on my legs had reached Sasquatch proportions, as I would if waxing. The hairs need only be maybe three days worth of growth, not two weeks of feeling like cha-cha-cha-Chia. Awesome. Secondly, I only need do it several times right off the bat and then just an upkeep sweep of things every two weeks or so. No more shaving in the shower everyday and no more expensive razors. Faboo!!

When I first received the Epil in the mail Randy was in St George participating at a golf tourny. I thought this was a fabulous thing as then I would have no one laughing at me as I attempted something that was bound to be a little painful. I got myself a bottle of water, put on some pajama pants, got comfortable and read all of the instructions.

Then it BEGAN.

First off... let me say that in the description it says that it significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair removal systems are known for. If that is reduced, then all other hair removal systems are just creatively disguised punishments for vain people created by SATAN.

Basically the next two hours were filled with many breaks, heavy breathing, and loudly echoing obscenities shrieked to the heavens. I believe my very first text message to Randy upon using the system was: S#*& my pants!! That hurts like a #$%*@% $&#$*&!!!

Please excuse the strength of my symbols, but at the time I thought this message was only barely capable of relating the intensity of my feelings. The first leg while not exactly a breeze was much easier then the second. The pain at times was so strong that I would have an adrenaline rush which would cause a heat flash and goose bumps at the same time. I began to stop more frequently. It was like my body just had had enough pain and it became progressively harder to finish. My strings of verbal filth came with an even larger smattering of four letter words.

Finally after nearly two hours, mainly due to the ever increasing "wailing breaks" I needed to take, I was done. The Epil works like a dream. However, my legs looked like I had walked through a scene of Hitchcock's The Birds wearing bootie shorts. The entire time I was using the Epil I kept telling myself that it was going to feel so much better when I could get in the shower and get my legs into some warm water. They tell you to exfoliate your skin after to help prevent in-grown hairs and that applying lotion will help with the lingering sting. So, when I was finally done I happily jumped into the shower.

You know how in the summer, if you're unlucky enough to get a sunburn and then later get into a warm shower that it burns fairly well? Well this was like that, plus being attacked by killer bees, plus stinging nettle, PLUS lemon juice. Did I mention I then had to SCRUB my legs with a shower poof to exfoliate? So here I am in the shower bawling like a newborn calf at eleven at night, surely pissing off my neighbors, or at the very least making them think their prayers have been answered and I am being murdered in my tub.

BUT... sadly no.

After getting out I lotioned my legs which does indeed bring a sigh of relief. Then again, at that point so would amputation.

So I know all this does sound nightmarish in quality, but alas I would highly recommend it!! OK so it hurts like a mother the first time, but additional sessions are a breeze! Your legs stay relatively smooth for weeks!! I love it, and now i can say I'm fairly addicted to using it, even with the occasional pain. Granted, all I've done are my legs. If I ever ventured into the bikini area it would probably also be the night that I drunk dial you and tell you I love you and ask if you like cats. I would have to do tequila shots all night to even think about attempting that... and then something tells me that drinking and then epililating that area is only slightly less dangerous then operating a band saw on a crack/Ambien cocktail.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people out there who do that fairly well. I don't know, but I digress.

So, if anybody has ever wanted to try one of these puppies out and is STILL interested after my fun little post here, or if you are just a masochist and wanna give it a whirl, let me know, I'll be happy to let you give it a try.

And one last little thing of note that made buying the Epil oh so worth every penny was that upon hearing me say it hurt so bad, and perchance wanting to laugh at my wimpiness, Randy told me that he would let me do his legs. SUCKA!! I don't believe I've laughed so hard in a long time. And if you were possibly wondering, his epithets were MUCH more colorful then my own.

8 comments:

D said...

You are crazy! For real, reading the description of that I thought you were going to make fun of it. You bought it?!? You are your mother's daughter!!!

The Ridgeways said...

Oh, freak I have not laughed that hard in ages. Seriously you do know that Randy is one in a million.

Shamelessly said...

Di, are you possibly saying that I am "Mom" crazy? Whaaaat????

On the contrary, I'll let you feel my legs. Hmmm, that perhaps sounded crazy too.

Mel, I learned this long long ago when he let me put make-up on him, including mascara, while he watched SportsCenter.

Also, he had pigtails.

liesel said...

oh, what we do in the name of vanity, that was hilarious! next time I'm feeling particularly masochistic, I think I'd rather invest in a chain saw, at least that would be quick.

...and did you by any chance take a picture of randy with ponytails and makeup?

Shamelessly said...

Liesel..

I tried, trust me. Had I a picture in my possession, it would be posted. WHICH is why he probably would never let me take one. LOL

SuziQ said...

It's very sad that I want to try it, even after reading that. If I could only get through that first session, sounds like it's worth it. :)

R and A said...

You are so funny. You could totally make a living writing a weekly column for a newspaper. You know like Dave Barry. Which, by the way, you are way funnier then him.

Shamelessly said...

Suzi.. anytime you want. You can borrow it. And then maybe I can give you those golf clubs I've been dragging around since september!!

Annalee... you're so sweet. Still. lol