I know you missed me... and I don't blame you.

So when I started this blog post I had in mind to give you a bunch of excuses and reasons why I haven't blogged in forever, ie: I have two demanding jobs, a hot boyfriend, a fairly regular social life and a mean streak of laziness only made worse by the invent of Pinterest, but then I was all like, hey, step off. I'm busy and important and I don't owe you an explanation. Just be glad I'm back ya'hear??

Hey, we all deal with guilt in different ways. I am agressive and defensive.

Anyway... Whats up with all of you? Its the beginning of a new year and I have made some tentative resolutions:

1. Stop drinking carbonation (again). While I type this there is a red solo cup filled with Pepsi sitting next to me (AGAIN). You know, they're GOALS. Like things you strive for. Sometimes you never meet your goals. OK. Enough of the judgment.

Man. I am just full of guilt on this post. Moving on...

2. Get my business back in order. I recently got a promotion at my other job, making the job I love--my photography business--way harder to concentrate on. My website has been telling me I need to do a back up and upgrade for some nine months or so and I have multiple shoots I haven't posted. Not to mention I have some sweet woman who wants to feature a senior session I did on her photography website and I haven't gotten her the pictures yet. I feel like a total slacker.

Did I mention that we got a PS3, a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet, a Netflix subscription, and we are now a season and a half into Weeds with no end in sight??? Sigh... Who am I kidding? I've started this blog post three seperate times in the last two days but hey I've streamed 22 episodes of a cable series. I have priorities people.

3. Eat better... Or you know... Less anyway. This also includes not eating out as much and laying off the Super Convenient When I Have Worked A Ten Hour Day And Still Need To Go Home And Do Laundry And Dishes fast food, which is also concurrent with the next resolution which is:

4. Save money. I just bought a new car. The car I had--which I LOVED--was starting to have some issues and it just wasn't cost effective to have them fixed, so while Hyundai was having some year end incentives we decided to take advantage of the situation and take a look. After 8 hours at the dealer and a bunch of test drives later we decided on the Sonata.



Beautiful car. But I didn't just want the regular engine... Oh no, had to have the turbo. And then I didn't just want cloth, I wanted leather. Lets just say I am a spoiled brat and now feel like I should take steps to save some extra money for the car payment. I just keep whispering to myself, "100,00 mile warranty" and then flatten that turbo and peal out like a bat outta hell. That usually makes me feel better. Self medicating has its moments.

And thats the end of the resolutions. Having too many goals you fail to meet doesn't do anything for the ole self esteem ya know what I'm saying? Besides as I write this I start to think to myself, how come resolutions have to suck so much? Why can't they be awesome? So here are some "awesome" goals too:

1. Eat more sushi. So this basically walks right up there and spits in the face of "Crap Resolution #4". I recognize that. I just don't care.

2. Do more shoots with HOT people doing cool things. Which I can tell you, as a professional photographer, is WAY better then taking pictures of ugly people doing nothing. Sooo. Much. Better.

3. Take my sexy car and my sexy boyfriend and go on a couple roadtrips. I'd really like to hit up Seattle and drive down the Oregon coast again. That sounds pretty awesome to me.

Thats it for me. I feel thats a nice comprehensive list. Whats on yours? If you haven't got any "Awesome" resolutions to go with your "Crap" ones I highly suggest you make some.

A happy New Year to you and lets stick it to those troublemaking Mayans already.

Possible ways to get arrested for breaking public decency laws

 

I could--without a doubt--bathe in vats of Cafe Rio's Tomatillo Ranch Dressing... 

 

Buuuuuut..  they probably frown on things like that.

Really??? No not really.

Have you ever been out and about and heard this in a conversation?

"We don't use sarcasm in our house."

"Sarcasm is rude."

"Sarcasm is just a form of lying, we don't tolerate such things."

Perhaps you yourself have said things like that. Or maybe you were one of the kids whose parents uttered such. Well either way--I pity you. Cause there is something else these persons seem to have forgotten:

Sarcasm is freaking AWESOME.

Yeah, that's right. That WASN'T sarcasm. Its true. Sarcasm is hilarious. If its funny, a third of the time there is some form of sarcasm involved. Not letting your kids use sarcasm in the home is virtually the same as home-schooling if you are aiming for future social awkwardness. Yeah yeah... here come the home-schooled/home schooling parents coming down on me, but I'm just basing this on my own experiences. EVERY SINGLE HOME-SCHOOLED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET HAS BEEN STRANGE. There you have it. That's all I can say in that department. Not that they weren't likable or nice---but they certainly didn't have it easy when they hit high school and tried to fit in. NO sir.

Square pots and round lids.

Ever met that one person that just couldn't tell when you were kidding??? How it RUINED anything funny ever said? How they then would assume you were kidding when you weren't and everyone else would stand around scratching their heads because, who IS this guy??? Yeah... That's what happens. Parents, I URGE you--let the sarcasm run freely like the waves over the sand. Don't set your lovely blond daughter up to look ditsy. Don't hang your son out to dry by making him look like a dumb jock except without any athletic ability. Help them to recognize sarcasm. Not only will it assist them in their journey to adulthood, I guarantee that they will be funnier, well adjusted, and three times better looking.

And that last part was sarcasm. Just testin' ya.

Hear ye Hear ye!!

To all people of the inter-web!! Please help my poor, homely, working single mother of FIVE, sister win a photography workshop. Yes it is ALL true minus the homely part. She could really use the break and she totally deserves it. All you have to do is click on the link below, and VOTE. Literally takes THIRTY seconds. Her name is LORE BUNKER.

Here

It counts one vote per computer, so vote on your smart-phones, your tablets, your ipads, your work computers!! Every vote counts!! Please help me spread the word!!

Thank you so much!!!

I never knew a new job oppurtunity would present itself in such a graphic manner

I recently had a photo-shoot. It wasn't for a client. It was one that my sister and I had come up with just for some extra fun and to try out some ideas. Basically something to keep us sharp and from gnawing off our own limbs during the slower winter months. Leave it to me to make things harder then necessary.

I decided, not only did I want a cute couple but I wanted a couple cute dogs too!! What's better then living breathing adorable props?? That's right, win win!!

Lets take you back. All is going well. My models are AWESOME. The weather is PERFECT. The dogs are behaving towards each other and all other persons there with great decorum. After we had wrapped up some shots of just, you know, the people, we decided to see if we could get a couple with just the dogs. I had a lovable 6 year old schnauzer named Trevor owned by my bff Kristen and then an energetic little ball of golden fluff, my sister's bff Melanie's Pomeranian Little Bear. Both owners were on sight to act as dog wranglers.

Little Bear is on the young side so all he wants to do is be a puppy and take off, run around, and lick everyone senseless. He has long since gotten over the fact that Trevor is there for the most part, but Mel doesn't want to let him loose off his leash in case he decides to make a jailbreak and take off for the hills. Because of this she uses a small sled that my sister brought as a doggie prop to tie Bear to so that he will (more or less) stay stationary. Kristen then convinces the older and more dignified Trevor to sit on the sled. He's very well trained and while not looking enthused by the prospect of sitting on a cold sled while this pup gallivants around he stays where he's told.

Drama ensues.

I've realized my flash drive is full so I am doing the godzilla stomp through the snow in order to get a new one out of my bag. My sister continues to try and get a shot, but as soon as Kristen leaves Trevor to stand up and walk away Little Bear decides now is a good time to get to know his new acquaintance a little better. You know by doing what dogs do: shaking his hand. OK OK... Sniffing his butt. Trevor looks back at the offender but listens to his "Mom" who keeps repeating, "Treeeevorr... staaaaay" in a low voice, while Melanie keeps calling to Little Bear trying to convince him to stop being so friendly. Giggling.

Umm... This is where this blog launches into PG-13 land. If you are easily offended you should maybe visit Austin's link over there on the right. He's very PC. NOW... onward!!

I'm nearly to my bag when Kristen suddenly proclaims "Ahhh man!! He's licking his weiner!!!" And yes... he is. Little Bear apparently wants DESPERATELY to be friends. All the rest of us know is that this shot is not going to make it to the website. Trevor is sitting there on the sled with the most humiliated flop-eared expression--he just can't believe we are all just making him suffer through this degradation.

I nearly died, "I didn't know this was going to be a dog porn shoot!!"

Kristen quickly retorted, "Not just dog porn---GAY dog porn." Bunch of sicko's.

So there you have it. Gay dog porn. There probably IS a market for it. NO, I'm not going to look for it. And yes in case you were wondering, Trevor's debasement was indeed caught on film. And NO. I'm not going to post the pictures.

Perverts.

So it turns out I'm pretty boring these days...

It has come to my attention that I must be preparing to hibernate. Why do I say preparing?? Because, although I have been indeed acting in a sloth-like manner (ie. coming home from work, eating dinner, then permanently parking on my couch to watch Chopped and only resuming mobility to make it to my bed at night) I am still stuffing my face as if I plan on living off my fat stores for three long winter months.

I think now would be a good time to break into the personal pantry if you know what I'm saying. Moo.

Oh... and blog more. Gees. Nag nag nag.

Fav's of the week

Apparently sitting in the never-ending I15 traffic has afforded me some time to think of not one but THREE fav's of the week. See how lucky I am to have a commute every day?

First off are these:


Surprisingly delicious little fudge covered Ritz crackers. Delightful. Randy and I are already laying ownership and rules to the one box we picked up. He has declared I am not allowed to take them to work and/or to share them with friends. My only rule is that he cannot cry when I eat them all--fair and square--at home. While sitting on the couch. Watching Glee.

My second fav or the week is the show Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. If you have never seen Tosh.0, the premise is simple: Comedian Daniel Tosh basically hashes out viral videos and other funny clips from the internet. Think of it as Talk Soup for the next generation. The humor is a little blue and I find the whole thing hysterical. Perhaps this is because I grew up with a mother who thinks farts are the funniest thing on the planet. Whatever the case, it's slightly crude, a little dark and fits my sense of humor. Perhaps that is why I seem to get along smashingly with teenage boys. Either that or I smell like beef jerky. Its a mystery.

Tosh.0	Weds 10:30pm / 9:30c
Video Breakdown - Karate Kid vs. Gangsta
www.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

And lastly... finally being able to post pictures of this adorable little girl. Her name is Paige. Seriously, this baby is a web site traffic GOLD. I should have taken pictures of her in a pile of puppies and my numbers would have been off the charts!!! Her mom is a good friend of mine. I'm considering telling her she could make a lot of money by renting out her baby as traffic bait. Its seriously that amazing. If you want to see the rest... pop on over to www.shamelessphotography.net. And while you are there... you too can ponder the power of Paige--because obviously, it works.

PGA Tour fashion secrets and further musings

As I have mentioned in the past, my guy is a really big golf fan. This means at my house I spend a lot of time watching golf on TV. Its not as bad as it sounds. When you have an appreciation for the game by having played it, you can really enjoy it. However, when some of the bigger names that I'm a fan of aren't playing it can sometimes still be a bit boring. One of the things that I have seen change over the years is fashion on the PGA. All the big names have their own lines or looks they wear day in and day out. A lot of the younger players coming on tour have their own unique looks and are trying to modernize the fashion on tour and make a name for themselves.

Case in point, Mister Rickie Fowler:



I just have a few musings on this...

1. ...since when does Justin Beeber golf????

2. I didn't know Puma sponsored penal systems.

3. And, mmmm... Cheetos.

Reverting back to childhood--and not in a good way

Yesterday I fell down.

Yes literally fell to my hands and knees and made a hole in my pants and skinned my knee.  I fell hard.  I had immediate flashbacks to childhood.  I don't remember the last time I actually fell down.  Luckily I feel that in most cases I am not very clumsy.  It was an unfortunate moment that was unfortunately witnessed.

 

I was handing a sign up a ladder to a young man who is a work associate of mine.  This young man, it is important to note, while being a generally outgoing guy, turns absolute shades of red when any bodily functions or female anatomy is discussed in any form in his presence (at least by women).  After handing him the sign I promptly began to walk away.  My foot caught the far side of the ladder and I launched awkwardly into space and then collided roughly with the floor.

 

Me:(after falling)  Seriously?  Owww.

 

Young Man:  Oh that sucked.  I thought you were gonna catch yourself.

 

Me:(shaking head in disbelief and horror seeing the hole in my pants--yes add insult to injury why don't you?)  So did I.  Soooo did I.

 

Young Man:  Well...  I guess that's what happens when you're top heavy.

 

...

 

Little Jerk.  Insert drum roll here. 

 

 

 

 

 

Well... there's an app for that.. Fav of the week.

In August I finally joined the smart phone revolution. I LOOOOVE it. Before you have one you think to yourself, "I don't NEED all that" but after you get it you think something more along the lines of "If you take it away I'll probably dieeee".

I got a Samsung Galaxy S phone. At T-Mobile it is called a Vibrant but all major companies have them. Its the bomb yo. The screen is amazing, I have my own built in GPS which came in unbelievably handy while driving cross country this summer, it has an AMAZING camera on it, I surf the net and check my business email, and it has all kinds of fun applications available--for free. Seriously, me and my Vibrant are going steady. Its getting pretty serious.
Randy likes to joke that I am not using my phone's full capabilities (much like my brain I suppose) because I haven't downloaded very many apps and that I should probably just trade him so that my poor mistreated phone can reach it's full potential. Yeeeah... not so much.

He had a point however, so the other day I was shopping around the Android Market and found my favorite app to date. I always have my phone on vibrate. I find it sorta embarrassing when my phone starts to blare Paramore while I'm standing in line at the grocery store or when I'm in the middle of a shoot. So vibrate it is--and usually this is just perfect for my needs. However, there is one time when vibrate on the old phone is woefully inadequate: when I've gone and lost it.

Ever tried to find a lost phone when you can't call it to hear it ringing?? Difficult? Yes. Annoying? Always. That's where the "Where's my Droid?" app comes in. You send your phone a pre-programmed text saying whatever you like, it turns your ringer on to the highest setting and starts to ring. When you find it, it automatically returns to its original settings. REJOICE!

Maybe not quite as cute as the Light Saber app, but definitely more practical.

The only drawback I have found is you have to either test it out alone OR make sure the person you have text the "secret message" to your phone is trustworthy. Mine started wailing as I drove down Parley's Canyon going 80 and nearly scaring the bejeebers out of me. Thanks again Randy.

Oh... and sorry Lady in the next lane. :)

If you would never pay to have photos of your family taken---then I feel sorry for you

Because you miss out on moments like this... This picture of my sister and my nephew literally made me cry. Hormones and a nasty case of PMS aside... I just think it captures a mother's strength and amazing love for her children (at least until they become teenagers). I heart it.

Ohhh.... This is all too true... and that is why I find it soooo funny

I stole this from Julie Parker. Its a little weird with the way the computer reads the text, but you'll get the point. Right? Also, I know that after not posting anything in a millennium that posting a video is highly suspect and a complete cop-out---but I don't care. I am too busy and important. (LOLs!)

And Susie Homemaker is back for another addition of....hey, that wasn't bad!

You know.. that's funny that I said that. Because I'm usually so busy working/shooting, editing, and you know--sleeping, that I barely get my dishes done (much to the horror of Randy). There's only so many hours in the day right? But sometimes things just work.

Yesterday while sitting in a golfcart (first off it was Sunday and I was taking the day off--don't you judge me) the epiphany hit me. So I'm doing a crap diet again which is why I get inventive in the first place. I'm always trying to figure out a way to fix up some of the old standbys so they aren't as boring because basically while on it I eat copious amounts of chicken breast and it gets old. I look up recipes and pick and choose what I like and discard what I don't and come up with my own version.

You will need:
4 Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
Gallon Ziplock Bag
Water
Kosher Salt
Tobasco Spicy Brown Mustard
Agave
Lemon Juice
Soy Sauce
Mayonnaise
Worcestershire Sauce


Easy Right?? No? It is!

OK first off we're gonna do a brine. I hate it when I cook chicken on the grill and it comes out a little dry and all the flavor is on the outside and there's nothing in the middle. A brine makes your meat more tender and helps it absorb more moisture before hitting the grill. Put four chicken breast in a ziplock bag. Add about 4 cups of water and a 1/4 cup Kosher Salt. Do not use table salt!! It has iodine in it and will make your meat tastes funky. Besides... this stuff tastes better period and it is absolutely the best thing for grilling steaks--I'm just sayin. Close ziplock bag pushing out as much air as possible.

Let meat sit in brine for about 45-60 minutes.




Next up we have Agave. Not many people may be familiar with it so let me explain. This is a low glycemic sweetner---much better for you then sugar. Its awesome on fresh berries. Tastes like a DREAM with no funky Stevia aftertaste. This stuff is great for people on HCG, low sugar, and low carb diets. It has the consistancy of warm honey. You can bake and cook with it and its very easy to use. And before you roll your eyes and say you don't want to go to the funky smelling Whole Foods to get it---you can find this at Walmart in the baking section and at Costco in two packs. It's more expensive then sugar of course, but if you use it just for putting over fresh fruit this summer it will be worth it!! Promise!

Put about a 1/4 cup in a small bowl. (Ok ok... and if you still aren't sold on the Agave--jerks. You can use honey.)


Next up we have some Tobasco Spicy Brown Mustard. I went with this because Randy loves kick to his food and I didn't want it to be the same old same old. Randy and I found this at Walmart next to the mustard and the Tobasco. If you are afraid of spice don't be. The agave tones it down quite a bit. Maybe even too much for some tastes. The point is this stuff just gives the flavor another level.

Add about a 1/3 of a cup.








So next we're gonna add a little Worcestershire Sauce. If you don't already own this you can find it next to the BBQ sauce and rubs. Lots of people use it in marinades and making jerky. A little goes a long way. So I'd recommend a small bottle unless you are familiar with it.

Go ahead and add about two teaspoons. If you don't have this you can use a steaksauce like A-1. They a mirror images of each other and the flavor should be very similar.








OK... so this is where I'm gonna get the looks.. the looks of yeah right... REAL healthy. Right? Am I right?

Don't worry. Its not much and considering we are just basting the chicken with it your not gonna be eating very much. You can leave it out if you want. I made mine with so I'm not sure how or if it effects the flavor.

Add about a tablespoon of mayonnaise.






Now we need a little bit of acid. Next on the list is Lemon Juice. Add a Tablespoon.















Soy Sauce is next. I should have measured, but in all honesty... I almost never do. Which is why I am the worst baker known to man. What they don't tell you when you bake is that actually you are doing precise chemical reactions--measure correctly! In cooking I just throw in what I want till it tastes good.

I'd say give it three to four good squirts. If you are using Kikkoman with the huge top hole... better go... Hmmm. Two teaspoons.




Mix all together. This is a good time to give it a taste. This is pretty easy to tailor to your own needs. If you think its too sweet--add mustard or vice versa. Pretty simple to add a little this and that till it tastes how you like it. I was never a huge fan of mustard back in the day--or honey mustard for that matter--but this stuff is very tasty and you might want to have extra for dipping. It would probably with a few alterations make a great salad dressing as well. For extra flavor you could also marinate your chicken in this after the brine.








Be certain you drain well and pat chicken dry to get off excess salt. Give your chicken a dip in the mustard and put on a pre-heated grill. Grill for normal amount of time but turn and baste chicken often. Baste generously. It gives the chicken a lovely golden color and comes out looking beautiful. You could do this on a broiler if you needed to but the grill really does add something special to the taste. Remove from grill when chicken is firm. The meat should be super juicy.

Hope you try and enjoy it! I think its gonna be a new favorite at my house!

Excuses excuses, a smidgen of self loathing, utter disgust, and finally a little brevity and touch of smug satisfaction

I know my blog posts have been coming with the frequency of my sister's child support checks and I apologize to anyone who has checked back more then once only to be greeted again and again by the sinister smile of Ellen.

I've been busy.

Take a look. To the right is a picture of the garbage can next to my computer. It is filled to the brim with empty cans of carbonated beverages and flattened candy boxes and wrappers. This means only one thing:

I have been working Photoshop magic for nearly a fortnight.

I once noted in a prior post that editing required a constant sugar supply. If the sugar stops all production stops. The sugar must flow. Add that to the late nights I have been hard at work and you gotta add the caffeine. That's how this whole thing works. I have been working on a new website AND editing two shoots (and the day job). Its been busy. And I have had PMS... basically this last couple weeks has been a recipe for waistline disaster.

Lets move on to something even MORE unpleasant... shall we? Recently I had a family shoot. They were a family that really wanted something urban so we met up at the salt flats for a cool location that really fit their style. We noticed right off the bat when we got there hundreds of little flies.

They were everywhere. I looked down on my shoulder and I'd see hundreds. It was disgusting, it was shiver inducing, but since they were so small perhaps, we decided to tough it out. After all we'd come all that way. From the picture you can see shooting was a challenge as people kept wanting to move to swat the nasty little vermin away.

We swatted, we swiped, we spit, we wiped tiny flies out of our lip-gloss, and we shot. However, it soon became apparent that not only were these little guys a nuisance, but they were also BITING.

The family I was shooting was debating a reschedule when I looked at my sisters face and saw blood red welts in the corners of her eyes. That was enough for me. I called it and we tore to our respective vehicles shaking and swatting. We rolled the windows down and drove like bats outta hell. As we left it became quickly apparent that we each had a hundred billion raised bites. Lore had a mass along her hairline, I could feel my back was full of them, Alexis claimed she looked like she had the pox. Then... the itching began.

This is a picture of my back as it looked after we had made it home. It was disgusting. Together the three of us suffered most of the entire next week. I have never scratched so much in my entire life. Damn biting midges. Who knew?

Luckily that day was not a complete waste as we found some time to have a mini shoot with a couple girls that Alexis knew. This is the lovely Moriah. I'll have these posted soon.

Speaking of posting, the new website is now launched! Please go ahead and have a look at it. I have new bridals posted. I have been working on it for the last three or four weeks and I'm thrilled I'm finally caught up. If you have had it on your blog rolls please update it again or it won't show you when I've posted anything new. If you've never been but you're interested in seeing my work check it out at the link on the top right or at www.shamelessphotography.net.

Finally!! Now what am I gonna do with myself???

A Cha Cha update---or otherwise titled "How Cha Cha is a Writhing Den of Depravity"

Just for the sake of revisiting last weeks topic... Once again my BFF Di and I found ourselves on the same couches, same time, same Tivo'd channel.

Its interesting how American Idol stimulates such deep and fulfilling conversation.

While listening to the judges prattle on while feeling self important, Diana mentioned to me that her husband Sam had heard that Ellen Degeneres has tattoo sleeves which is why she always wears long sleeved shirts. I made a face and said I didn't think she seemed the type. Diana agreed but also noted how it was interesting how she always seemed to have on long sleeved attire.

"I'm gonna ask Cha Cha!" she proclaimed and chortled, "They are always sources of such reliable information." I laughed and agreed. To all those out there who are sarcastically challenged--that was sarcasm.

And... I pity you.

Diana sent off a text message asking about the possibility of arm length tattoos on the new Idol judge. Cha Cha promptly responded with this: "Ellen Degenres has a book titled 'The Funny Thing Is'. It was released on September 28, 2004. Can I help you with anything else?"

To this I sat up and said loudly, "WTF!? Yeah you can! Say, 'Yeah. Can you answer my question ????'" Diana and I both laughed and she texted Cha Cha with our response to their generous offer of further guidance.

Seconds later we got our answer:

"Yes I am gay and so is my lesbian lover. Would you like to join us?"

...

...come again????

Because this is all I got right now...

Who here hasn't heard of Cha Cha?

Anyone?

No not the dance. The answering text service that you can send questions to and they text you an answer back. Well?

At one time, it is my understanding that they had (or perhaps still have) answering "guides" here in Utah. You send a text massage to Cha Cha on your phone and a person would sit in front of a computer and find the answer and promptly--or not that promptly, Google it and respond.

Anyway, this Cha Cha business has been going on for quite a while now. Back in the day when it was small and no one had heard of it you could send tons of questions and get nice reliable answers for the most part. As it grew bigger and more popular word on the streets was that they had outsourced a lot of their "answering technicians" to India. Now there is also a question limit in place and they have begun to give some sketchy answers. It has become, instead of a way to answer certain questions, almost more of a type of entertainment because you never know what kind of random answer you would get that only barely relates to the topic.

Just recently, however, our question "guide" decided not only to supply us with the answer, but their personal opinion as well. Case in point:

The other night while running through my long list of Tivo'd entertainment, my friend Di and I watched the Sinatra night on American Idol. We started talking about the Rat Pack and we decided to ask Cha Cha who all the members were because we could only really remember three. We got this answer relatively promptly:

"Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford. I bet they got laid non-stop!!! Cha Cha is SWEET!!"

Yes. It most certainly IS.

Rock music befuddles the mind

I recently attended a rock concert with my friend Diana featuring Daughtry with Lifehouse and Cavo as opening acts. It was a good time and even though I wasn't really familiar with Cavo, I enjoyed all the sets. It had been a little while since I had been to a real rock show and while there I gleaned some interesting factoids. I call them fact-toids because they are opinion with a little tiny bit of space debris sized fact included. Okay? Off we go!

First off. Old people like Daughtry. Like my mom's age old. They also like to stay seated throughout the entire concert and I'm betting complain bitterly that all they can see is the glint of the spotlight off Chris' shaved head. Eh... at least they got the early bird prices at Sizzler before heading to the E Center.

Next up: Women of great size love a man with a shaved head and tight jeans. That's not to say that woman of all sizes might not enjoy such a man, only that there seemed to be a large quantity of really big gals there, and thusly such a concert does great things for your own self esteem. By the end of the evening, me and my ample behind felt absolutely smokin.

If you are an opening act, opening for the OTHER opening act, and maybe haven't really hit it big yet you should probably teach your audinence your hot single before asking them to sing it without you. The lead singer of Cavo got at mix of garbled humming and...

"Coulda been the the champagne, ...champagne?"

"No, its coulda been the migrain, MIGRAINE."

" ...the three-way????"

"I love this song."

If you are interested in the actual lyrics you can hear the song here.

Then we have the very large population of shaved headed men. Now I can be down with the head shaving thing on certain guys. Chris Daughtry, Jason Statham, Vinn Diesel are nice examples of attractive men that keep it cropped close. However, at this concert were many a man that just could not pull it off. Instead of looking tough and hot, they looked like a misshapen melon had hijacked a body. And a wallet chain. Guys if you think you might wanna go for the shaved head look, do it in the privacy of your own home on a long weekend. And then ask your girl how it looks. If she answers without laughing and or crying you're golden.

Or she's a woman of dramatic proportions. Either way, someone likes how it looks. I'm just sayin.

Lastly, it seems that if you're a woman, you should be wearing a shirt and or jeans with a great deal of "bling". We're talking glitter, or rhinestones, or at the very least sequins. Oh and also loud rock music, bright lights, reflective concert-wear and Chris Daughtry on stage can lead to moments of forgetfulness... on purposeness... as illustrated below:

Di (while eyeing a particularly glittery drunk girl): Maaaan... I can't believe I didn't wear my sequin shirt tonight.

Me (in an equally valley-girlesque tone): I know right?? Now Chris will NEVER see you in this crowd. Uhhh.

Di: Crap! I know!! Just great... but he's married anyway so...

Me: Is he?

Di: Yeah don't you remember?

Me: I mean is he still? Do you know for sure?

Di: Oh I'm sure he is,

(pause)

...and come to think of it... so am I.

Now THAT is will power!

Recently, my sister, my friend Diana, and I all started a diet. Its pretty harsh but we've done it with good results before. This time, however, none of us are doing all that well as is illustrated by the following IM between my sister and I today:

Lore: I am in one heck of a funk... it sucks.. Hey I am cheating today for lunch. Work is buying Olive Garden.

Me: Ok. I am cheating today for dinner... going to Red Rock Brewery before the concert. But I'm having a salad.

Lore: If you're gonna cheat tonight so can I. I'll have a salad.. with pasta on the side and maybe a breadstick

Me: Get some protein

Lore: I don't think they are ordering any of that.

Me: ... Bad you.

Lore: I know... (head hanging down)

Me: Can't say anything tho. I have been super bad the last two days. Think I gained two pounds

Lore: Me too. Only 1 though

Me: (head hanging lower) Too much fruit... extra crap... just bad.

Lore: I broke all the rules and had Bajio. I was pissed at the world.

Me: LOL...Yeah? Well Diana and I split a ten piece chicken nugget.

Lore: lol, Protein! Did you dip?

Me: Yeah! Protein! That's what we said anyway. Yes. We dipped. ::sigh::

Lore: LOL negative protein! I had chips and queso.

Me: Ha!! I had ice cream bon bons.

Lore: I told you I took out my frustration out on my diet and ...you had WHAT! That is way off the chart!!

Me: I had these little Dove bon bons... two a day. I should just go and kill myself.

Lore: I am going to eat a Girl Scout cookie right now just to be even!

Me: FINE... I had three nut clusters from Costco already!

Lore: Shut up! I have not had a single drop of water today! Other than when I brushed my teeth anyway.

Me: ME EITHER!!

Lore: GREAT. We are such good unmotivational partners. We should be on our own poster.

Me: Amen Sister.

Pain and irritation aren't really my style

 

Just a few things of note:

 

Lately every time I shave I need a freakin blood transfusion.  And while we're in that vein of conversation why do razors cost their weight in gold?  Is there something I don't know?  Are the blades coated in platinum or something???  But I've learned my lesson.  Although the simple single blade razors are cheap and extremely sharp, they also sever arteries and so I guess I WILL be shelling out the eight dollars for the three pack of Venus again.  Maybe after I will go frolick on the beach with some sheer fabric and a couple girlfriends.  I guess that's what poor people with soft, smooth legs do.

 

And finally, after five days of glorious spring weather its gonna snow and rain again.  I'm so ready for summer.  I want to go shoot blooming orchards and wear flip flops.  This disappoints me greatly.  Perhaps I can hold off on those razor purchases after all.  I'll need the extra insulation.

 

Maybe its better if you're smoking a joint?

You know what I miss? Black Angus. We used to make a 15 minute freeway drive because there wasn't a decent steakhouse in our area. Great steaks, the most amazing baked potato soup, a smashing Caesar. You know, good stuff. Then sadly a couple years ago they all closed up shop and POOF were gone.

Let us speak a bit about Texas Roadhouse if you will.

About a year ago Texas Roadhouse opened a location five minutes from our home. We have been on several occasions. I'm not a complete hater, as a matter of fact we went there for dinner last night, but I do have a couple beefs (please excuse the pun) with this joint.

I have a problem with the peanuts shells strewn casually all over THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT. I get that lil treats keep the hungry masses from turning on you and attacking your staff. That, however, seems to be in ample supply (every time I'm there I swear they have one staff member for every two patrons which is all fine and dandy but when they run out of stuff to do they walk the aisles prowling and flirting with each other, commenting on the adorableness of the others' studded jeans. No wonder the back of their T shirts desperately proclaim "I love my job!!" Why wouldn't they?). The peanuts kind of gross me out. Specially when I have to wade through them in my flip flops possibly catapulting shells in my wake all the way to my table.

Once at my table I have to yell over the cacophony of Boot Scootin Boogie and the wailing of Hootie minus The Blowfish to fellow diners. Then I stare blankly at our server while attempting to read his lips because I can't understand more then five words at a time. I get,"Cherry." "Cheese," and "Sooooo gooood." After that I just nod and smile. That place is LOUD. So if you were hoping on having a conversation, forget it. Two painfully shy people would find this the perfect place for first date dinner after a Bruckheimer movie.

After ordering I get to sit and stare at the likes of jackalope, burro blankets and Willie Nelson. Yeah I know its your restaurant Willie (which explains the twangy country and the fact that the staff will do a line dance to Jessica Simpson's These Boots Were Made For Walkin ) but why do I have to look at your ugly mug while eating? The food is decent. The steak is usually cooked how you ask for it. And if you wanna pay 2 dollars to have six mushrooms on it, well they can help you out there too. Lastly we have the Roadhouse birthday song that the staff screams at the top of their lungs and usually wraps up with an ear shattering "Yeeeeee Haaaaaaa!!!". Don't even get me started on how much I detest dining establishments that sing to customers.

So why do you ask? Why after all that negativity do I still go here?? Why do I complain about everything and still brave the crusted peanut shells between my toes at the table?

Because of these little darlings:

The honey butter rolls at Texas Roadhouse are my bitchy cryptonite. I LOVE them. I can honestly say I wanted to go there last night for these little piping hot carb balls and NO OTHER REASON. Thats it.