Mac envy

So Apple has these fun commercials where two actors play Mac and PC. PC is played by a short, chubby awkward guy with glasses and Mac is played by actor Justin Long who is strangely cool without looking like he tries very hard. The campaign is pretty witty and smart and I think they really connect with people. I think they are pretty humorous and I always stop my Tivo in mid fast forward to watch if I think its new.

Unfortunately, my computer is a short chubby awkward guy with devil horns, a spiked tail, pitchfork and a bad sense of humor. His name is Dell. I hate Dell. I'm pretty sure Dell hates me. I've never actually come out and asked because we don't talk much. We're not friends. Dell is overly dramatic, stubborn and slow. I'm very demanding and bossy. We just don't mesh but we are forced to spend long amounts of time together and it makes us both hot under the collar and frustrated.

Dell sometimes refuses to charge even though we had a big to do about it once before. We got Dell a new battery and supply cord. We were very cordial. I promised to be nicer, but it all began to fall apart soon after that. Dell gets mad and charges intermittently when he feels like it, on and off, over and over, and the now the battery lasts half as long as it should. Sometimes Dell won't charge at all and we have to beg, plead, and cajole till he's done being a drama queen.

Recently Dell got a virus. He blamed it on us. Granted our virus protection was frighteningly low but that's because when we do have it set to the full protection he gets lazy. Dell starts taking ten minutes to get his lazy butt up and another five to get us on to the internet. I think he feels safe so he messes with us. Since then Dell has been a real snot; freezing pages or taking an eternity to load. I've had it up to here.

Randy hates when I complain about Dell. He figures if I hate Dell so much I should just go and buy a new desk top. That's great I'd love to do that but unfortunately I have my heart set on Mac. He's cute, and stylish and ohhhh so cool. He's really artistic and would be great for a photographer like myself. Unfortunately, Mac is also pricey. So I am saving and its gonna take me some time. I want the works. Dell and I will just have to get along for a while longer. In the mean time we will resort to some petty taunting. Randy has already started. Check out Dell's sweet decals.

He's pissed.

the world isn't fair

Sometimes I feel that women really get the short end of the stick.

Men have it so easy. They don't even know all the crap that we deal with on a daily basis.

Girls have to get up and in order to not become the 'crazy cat lady' of their neighborhood we have to do our hair, put on makeup, and shave our legs. Basically all men have to do is BATHE. That's right guys, just don't stink and you got it made. Nobody cares if a man doesn't have lush eyelashes, thick hair, or glossy lips. When men get wrinkles they still look handsome. Sometimes even distinguished. When you say distinguished about a woman what you really mean is OLD with beady eyes and a bun.

With an afghan on her lap.

With a cat sitting on it.

Women are the buyers of presents. Have you ever noticed that men don't buy their guy friends presents. What? They are macho. All they need to do is give each other a hearty pat on the back and say, "I like the tires on your truck". That is, "Happy Birthday man! I love you!" in man speak. If women didn't give a gift to their friends they would feel all guilty inside and then because they feel badly spend twice as much as they would have to start with. You have to give your girlfriends presents because if you don't they won't give one to you on YOUR birthday.

Catty bitches.

Women have a nasty little anatomical mistake called I like to call ovaries. That's right. We have PMS and a menstrual cycle. Yeah yeah... we like to bawl about it. But its because its TRUE. Unless you are currently using your ovaries or uterus for, I dunno, reproducing, they are the bane of your existence.

Men like to complain about it. Hey we like to complain about it! I don't think guys understand that we didn't plan to be a emotionally akin to a severely burned,bloated female badger defending her young. We can't help it. Your hormones are all out of control and you get emotional. And don't get me started about your period being a little over due. Talk about a bad mood. Its like your whole body is pissed because your ovaries were off messing around eating bon bons while watching Jane Austen adaptions and dropped the ball.

Not only are the hormonal parts a pain but we have the actual period as well. Oh yeah. That's a joy Try planning your vacation around that. For instance, on my recent trip to Mexico I was super paranoid about having to deal with that on top of all the other things I needed to worry about. When I voiced this concern to Randy he said, "You better not be on your period. You won't be able to go scuba diving with us. You'll attract sharks." and then laughed gleefully. If it wasn't funny I might have scratched out his right eye. Later on when it got closer to the date and still no period he asked me when I would be "chumming".

That's right. He's charming folks, and he's ALL mine. Lucky me.

maybe she's born with it

So yesterday while strolling the hallowed aisles of Wal-Mart I succumbed to my vanity.

Now in general I would say I'm not vain. I mean I do like to look nice and rarely leave the house without make up but if I really truly were vain I would have a lot of questions to answer considering the ample size of my butt. I'm definitely not one of those velour jogging suit clad women on Jerry Springer that personify the term "jiggle" and say things like, "I's aaaaalll that!". I have my good points but I am also sane enough to know my less then glorious points as well.

Anyway, yesterday I made a bee line right to that Maybelline aisle. I had seen this commercial on TV a lot lately with a gorgeous pouty lipped model talking about their VolumeXLSeduction Lip Plumper as her hair blew fantastically around her in a dramatic and awe inspiring way. Her hair never even got stuck in her gloss. That says something. I decided to give it a try.

Did I mention it cost eight dollars?

Awhile back when I had been tanning my lips had gotten chapped AND burned and it turned my pout into something sensationally puffy--for the day at least. It was then that I knew that if I didn't already feel so strongly that we are beautiful just the way God made us (read: If I only had the money to spend in such a frivolous way) I would totally get collagen injections.

My feelings about plastic surgery are simple. If you do it because it makes you feel better about yourself, do it. If you're doing it because you want you and your imaginary BFF Kiera Knightly to look exactly alike, don't do it. If you work out hard but just don't get the results you've been trying so hard for, get it. If you think you need to be unnaturally out of proportion to please your man or stick it to the ex-boyfriend, DON'T GET IT. Don't do it if you're just trying to be perfect like your neighbor with the cheating lawyer husband and the BMW. If you do it for the wrong reasons I seriously doubt that that is what you're missing and the plastic surgery isn't going to fix it.

That last part I think is seriously important. I read an article not to long ago that said that Utah was third in the country for breast enlargements after California and Florida. Now with the majority of our population being ultra conservative and or dress modestly due to their religious belief, what do you really think is driving these women? We cannot claim the oceans of models, actresses and other look-based industries that California and Florida do. Do women in Utah have lower self esteems or is there just a bigger push here to be perfect? Does this happen to have any correlation with the fact that we have the highest incidence of prescription drug abuse in the country as well? I'll let you decide.

In the mean time I will just be content with my plumping lip gloss and being uncomplimentary to those people in Hollywood that definitely have done it and won't admit it. Mariah... I'm talking about you!! I think a lot of us would have a thing or two lifted or sucked out or put in. What would you do if money wasn't an option? And if you are just dying to know if this plumping thing actually works I will tell you this: I'm not sure. It tingles. I can tell you that. And sometimes I think they do look bigger, but I could just be deluded.

what's he got that I don't?

Randy has a crush.

I'm not jealous or anything.

My man has some serious love for Eldrick Tiger Woods.

He won't deny it. He will be the first to admit that he has a hard core man crush on Tiger. I mean I can see why and all. Tiger is a pretty impressive guy. I think he'd go gay for Tiger, and he might not have to think about it long either. I'd leave me too. Look what Tiger has to offer:

Tiger golfs everyday.

Tiger is intelligent and college educated.

Tiger has his own clothing line.

Tiger has a gleaming white smile and fantastic cheek bones.

Tiger has people making up to the minute technological advances in his equipment.

Tiger can walk on to any golf course in the world and play, any day, anytime.

Tiger has a yacht.

Tiger has endorsements from Nike, Buick, Gillette and Gatorade.

Tiger has his foundation and also gives back to the community,

I'm pretty sure Tiger's house is bigger then my high school.

Tiger works out twice a day and has rock hard abs.

Tiger can do any shot Randy has ever dreamed of and could teach him.

Tiger hangs out with all the cool kids; Michael Jordan, Roger Fedderer, and Annika Sorrenstam, not to mention countless other PGA tour players.

Tiger has a blonde Swedish model wife who has a TWIN SISTER.

Tiger has a super cool name like Tiger.

And my personal fav:

Tiger just made another 1.35 million last weekend.

Now how's a girl suppose to compete with that??? All I have going for me is boobs. Its a good thing we live here in Utah and he's stuck stalking Mike Weir instead. I think I can take Weirsy.

How about you guys? Got a man or girl crush on someone you really admire?

my body is rebelling against me

My nose is my enemy.

Well that's not exactly fair or true. In all honesty my nose is just a victim in all of this. Its actually my sinuses that are my enemy.

This week marks the nine week anniversary of an antagonistic relationship I have with a virulent sinus infection that is trying to ruin my life. Now before you start to nag on me, I DID go to the doctor. A hundred and forty dollars later I had some antibiotics, a bottle of strong decongestants, and hope.

Now almost a month later all of these things are gone.

I have come to grips with the fact that I am never going to get well. I am going to have to live with green stinky never-ending snot for all eternity. I will have sinus pressure till I am old and gray. All my money will go to three things: Kleenex, toilet paper, and paper towels. If any other paper products were suitable for me to make a pocket of man-made rubber cement I would simply add those to my list. I will never be able to properly smell or taste. I will be forever addicted to the crack of decongestants or what they deceptively market as Afrin. Randy is gonna have to get a new room because I will from now on snore like a Mac truck. I'll have to start wearing a fanny pack in which to carry my always-present roll of toilet paper. I'm going to continue to think of Kleenex as the 'Paper of Existence'. My life is OVER.

On the upside my nose is now paper towel resistant. I could wipe it with sand paper and my nose would laugh in the face of it's futile attempt to start something. I appreciate breathing a lot more now. And maybe , just maybe, since I haven't been to gym since this started on account it gets hard to do cardio while breathing slime, the lack of sense of smell will get me to eat less.

Yeah... I didn't think so either.

Me and Ma Nature are gonna have some words

I'm done with this whole winter thing.

I mean its not unusual for me to be done with winter pretty much right when it starts but I'm REALLY done with it. This winter has been particularly... well, snowy. And cold. Did I mention cold? The trip in January to 90 degree Mexico certainly didn't help. This really has been a stinker of a year. Some people like winter. I don't. I don't even know why I live here. To all of those who just love these winter months, here is my top ten list of why I hate it so much:

1. Having to scrape your windows and warm up your car.
2. Driving with people who respect the snow too little. Or too much.
3. Colds. Its a scientific fact that cold weather contributes to you getting sick.
4. No sun. I need me some Vitamin D!
5. It gets dark too early. Our bodys think that means we need to go into slug mode.
6. The pastiness. I hate being white.
7. Shoveling the walk. My back is messed up enough.
8. Oh the OH SO MANY potholes created by the OH SO MANY snow plows.
9. My poor car is continously dirty.
10. And lastly.. ITS COLD. I don't like smuggling raisins.

To be fair there are a few redeaming factors. A very few.

1. Hot chocolate,
2. I do rock cute sweaters
3. Nope... I can't even think of three.

Are any of you winter lovers? Are you guys sick of this weather yet? Let me know how you're feeling.

If I had a time machine I'd go back and smack myself

Yep.

That really is what you think it is.

Good ole Small Wonder. Its a small wonder I still have enough brain cells to function after watching this as a child. I used to watch this early Saturday evenings right before dinner. Even as a child I had some knowledge of how stupid this show was, but that never stops a kid. If that were true there would never be that instance of that little neighbor kid showing up on your front steps with no pants on. After memories of this flooded back it made me remember some other real stinkers I used to watch. Let me know if this lights a spark for you better left unlit:

Mr. Belvedere: Sitcom about a British butler that used to serve Queen Elizebeth and for some reason now works for an American family. Highlights: That rascal Wesley.

Charles in Charge: My favorite 'not gonna happen in real life' premis. Young college age guy watches over two teenage girls and a young boy. Highlights: Charles' dorky friend Buddy.

Pee Wee's Playhouse: Saturday morning show featuring, who else? Pee Wee Herman and a strange cast of friends including a dinosaur, a chair and a TV. Highlights: Word of the Day, Penny clayamation skits, and the Giant Underwear segments.

Blossom: Sitcom about a teen girl, her single dad and dumb but cute brother. I still pull the Joey Lawrence "Whoa" out every once in a while just for kicks and giggles. Highlights: Counting how many different hats Six wore.

ALF: Sitcom about a wiseguy alien that crashes his spaceship into a suburban family's garage. How did this stay on air for four seasons??? Highlights: Watching Alf try to eat Lucky, the family cat.

Who's the Boss: An Itallian stallion gets a job as a housekeeper and he and his daughter move in with his business woman boss. Sexual tension ensues. Highlights:Tony Danza's incessant oh ohohhh's and watching Jonathan grow into a nice young gay man.

Saved by the Bell: Saturday morning show about a group of friends going to school together. The acting is so bad it hurts my eyes. Because I start to claw them out. Highlights: Mario Lopez's dimples.

Boy Meets World: Sitcom about a boy played by one of those Savage kids, his older brother and friend. Later on when it started to get unfunny it was about his relationship with his grilfriend. Highlights: Just knowing that somewhere there is a girl named Topanga.

Punky Brewster: Sitcom about a poor, fashion challenged, little orphan and the old guy that really wants to adopt her and can't. Tear jerking isn't it? Highlight: The sweet treehouse and "I must I must I must increase my bust" --Cherry

Some others were Step by Step, Just the Ten of Us, Family Matters, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the Hogan Family, My Two Dads, Full House, Zubilee Zoo, and Dinosaurs. The last really does deserve a note. It was a primetime sitcom with people dressed up as a dinosaur family. The baby dinosaur continuously hit the father with a frying pan while screaming "Not the mommy!". Did I mention it was people dressed up as DINOSAURS?

It amazes me what sometimes passed as entertainment in my formative years. Are there any favorites of yours I missed? Or was one of these particular endearing to you? Lets hear it.