I know you missed me... and I don't blame you.

So when I started this blog post I had in mind to give you a bunch of excuses and reasons why I haven't blogged in forever, ie: I have two demanding jobs, a hot boyfriend, a fairly regular social life and a mean streak of laziness only made worse by the invent of Pinterest, but then I was all like, hey, step off. I'm busy and important and I don't owe you an explanation. Just be glad I'm back ya'hear??

Hey, we all deal with guilt in different ways. I am agressive and defensive.

Anyway... Whats up with all of you? Its the beginning of a new year and I have made some tentative resolutions:

1. Stop drinking carbonation (again). While I type this there is a red solo cup filled with Pepsi sitting next to me (AGAIN). You know, they're GOALS. Like things you strive for. Sometimes you never meet your goals. OK. Enough of the judgment.

Man. I am just full of guilt on this post. Moving on...

2. Get my business back in order. I recently got a promotion at my other job, making the job I love--my photography business--way harder to concentrate on. My website has been telling me I need to do a back up and upgrade for some nine months or so and I have multiple shoots I haven't posted. Not to mention I have some sweet woman who wants to feature a senior session I did on her photography website and I haven't gotten her the pictures yet. I feel like a total slacker.

Did I mention that we got a PS3, a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet, a Netflix subscription, and we are now a season and a half into Weeds with no end in sight??? Sigh... Who am I kidding? I've started this blog post three seperate times in the last two days but hey I've streamed 22 episodes of a cable series. I have priorities people.

3. Eat better... Or you know... Less anyway. This also includes not eating out as much and laying off the Super Convenient When I Have Worked A Ten Hour Day And Still Need To Go Home And Do Laundry And Dishes fast food, which is also concurrent with the next resolution which is:

4. Save money. I just bought a new car. The car I had--which I LOVED--was starting to have some issues and it just wasn't cost effective to have them fixed, so while Hyundai was having some year end incentives we decided to take advantage of the situation and take a look. After 8 hours at the dealer and a bunch of test drives later we decided on the Sonata.



Beautiful car. But I didn't just want the regular engine... Oh no, had to have the turbo. And then I didn't just want cloth, I wanted leather. Lets just say I am a spoiled brat and now feel like I should take steps to save some extra money for the car payment. I just keep whispering to myself, "100,00 mile warranty" and then flatten that turbo and peal out like a bat outta hell. That usually makes me feel better. Self medicating has its moments.

And thats the end of the resolutions. Having too many goals you fail to meet doesn't do anything for the ole self esteem ya know what I'm saying? Besides as I write this I start to think to myself, how come resolutions have to suck so much? Why can't they be awesome? So here are some "awesome" goals too:

1. Eat more sushi. So this basically walks right up there and spits in the face of "Crap Resolution #4". I recognize that. I just don't care.

2. Do more shoots with HOT people doing cool things. Which I can tell you, as a professional photographer, is WAY better then taking pictures of ugly people doing nothing. Sooo. Much. Better.

3. Take my sexy car and my sexy boyfriend and go on a couple roadtrips. I'd really like to hit up Seattle and drive down the Oregon coast again. That sounds pretty awesome to me.

Thats it for me. I feel thats a nice comprehensive list. Whats on yours? If you haven't got any "Awesome" resolutions to go with your "Crap" ones I highly suggest you make some.

A happy New Year to you and lets stick it to those troublemaking Mayans already.

Possible ways to get arrested for breaking public decency laws

 

I could--without a doubt--bathe in vats of Cafe Rio's Tomatillo Ranch Dressing... 

 

Buuuuuut..  they probably frown on things like that.

Really??? No not really.

Have you ever been out and about and heard this in a conversation?

"We don't use sarcasm in our house."

"Sarcasm is rude."

"Sarcasm is just a form of lying, we don't tolerate such things."

Perhaps you yourself have said things like that. Or maybe you were one of the kids whose parents uttered such. Well either way--I pity you. Cause there is something else these persons seem to have forgotten:

Sarcasm is freaking AWESOME.

Yeah, that's right. That WASN'T sarcasm. Its true. Sarcasm is hilarious. If its funny, a third of the time there is some form of sarcasm involved. Not letting your kids use sarcasm in the home is virtually the same as home-schooling if you are aiming for future social awkwardness. Yeah yeah... here come the home-schooled/home schooling parents coming down on me, but I'm just basing this on my own experiences. EVERY SINGLE HOME-SCHOOLED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET HAS BEEN STRANGE. There you have it. That's all I can say in that department. Not that they weren't likable or nice---but they certainly didn't have it easy when they hit high school and tried to fit in. NO sir.

Square pots and round lids.

Ever met that one person that just couldn't tell when you were kidding??? How it RUINED anything funny ever said? How they then would assume you were kidding when you weren't and everyone else would stand around scratching their heads because, who IS this guy??? Yeah... That's what happens. Parents, I URGE you--let the sarcasm run freely like the waves over the sand. Don't set your lovely blond daughter up to look ditsy. Don't hang your son out to dry by making him look like a dumb jock except without any athletic ability. Help them to recognize sarcasm. Not only will it assist them in their journey to adulthood, I guarantee that they will be funnier, well adjusted, and three times better looking.

And that last part was sarcasm. Just testin' ya.

Hear ye Hear ye!!

To all people of the inter-web!! Please help my poor, homely, working single mother of FIVE, sister win a photography workshop. Yes it is ALL true minus the homely part. She could really use the break and she totally deserves it. All you have to do is click on the link below, and VOTE. Literally takes THIRTY seconds. Her name is LORE BUNKER.

Here

It counts one vote per computer, so vote on your smart-phones, your tablets, your ipads, your work computers!! Every vote counts!! Please help me spread the word!!

Thank you so much!!!

I never knew a new job oppurtunity would present itself in such a graphic manner

I recently had a photo-shoot. It wasn't for a client. It was one that my sister and I had come up with just for some extra fun and to try out some ideas. Basically something to keep us sharp and from gnawing off our own limbs during the slower winter months. Leave it to me to make things harder then necessary.

I decided, not only did I want a cute couple but I wanted a couple cute dogs too!! What's better then living breathing adorable props?? That's right, win win!!

Lets take you back. All is going well. My models are AWESOME. The weather is PERFECT. The dogs are behaving towards each other and all other persons there with great decorum. After we had wrapped up some shots of just, you know, the people, we decided to see if we could get a couple with just the dogs. I had a lovable 6 year old schnauzer named Trevor owned by my bff Kristen and then an energetic little ball of golden fluff, my sister's bff Melanie's Pomeranian Little Bear. Both owners were on sight to act as dog wranglers.

Little Bear is on the young side so all he wants to do is be a puppy and take off, run around, and lick everyone senseless. He has long since gotten over the fact that Trevor is there for the most part, but Mel doesn't want to let him loose off his leash in case he decides to make a jailbreak and take off for the hills. Because of this she uses a small sled that my sister brought as a doggie prop to tie Bear to so that he will (more or less) stay stationary. Kristen then convinces the older and more dignified Trevor to sit on the sled. He's very well trained and while not looking enthused by the prospect of sitting on a cold sled while this pup gallivants around he stays where he's told.

Drama ensues.

I've realized my flash drive is full so I am doing the godzilla stomp through the snow in order to get a new one out of my bag. My sister continues to try and get a shot, but as soon as Kristen leaves Trevor to stand up and walk away Little Bear decides now is a good time to get to know his new acquaintance a little better. You know by doing what dogs do: shaking his hand. OK OK... Sniffing his butt. Trevor looks back at the offender but listens to his "Mom" who keeps repeating, "Treeeevorr... staaaaay" in a low voice, while Melanie keeps calling to Little Bear trying to convince him to stop being so friendly. Giggling.

Umm... This is where this blog launches into PG-13 land. If you are easily offended you should maybe visit Austin's link over there on the right. He's very PC. NOW... onward!!

I'm nearly to my bag when Kristen suddenly proclaims "Ahhh man!! He's licking his weiner!!!" And yes... he is. Little Bear apparently wants DESPERATELY to be friends. All the rest of us know is that this shot is not going to make it to the website. Trevor is sitting there on the sled with the most humiliated flop-eared expression--he just can't believe we are all just making him suffer through this degradation.

I nearly died, "I didn't know this was going to be a dog porn shoot!!"

Kristen quickly retorted, "Not just dog porn---GAY dog porn." Bunch of sicko's.

So there you have it. Gay dog porn. There probably IS a market for it. NO, I'm not going to look for it. And yes in case you were wondering, Trevor's debasement was indeed caught on film. And NO. I'm not going to post the pictures.

Perverts.

So it turns out I'm pretty boring these days...

It has come to my attention that I must be preparing to hibernate. Why do I say preparing?? Because, although I have been indeed acting in a sloth-like manner (ie. coming home from work, eating dinner, then permanently parking on my couch to watch Chopped and only resuming mobility to make it to my bed at night) I am still stuffing my face as if I plan on living off my fat stores for three long winter months.

I think now would be a good time to break into the personal pantry if you know what I'm saying. Moo.

Oh... and blog more. Gees. Nag nag nag.

Fav's of the week

Apparently sitting in the never-ending I15 traffic has afforded me some time to think of not one but THREE fav's of the week. See how lucky I am to have a commute every day?

First off are these:


Surprisingly delicious little fudge covered Ritz crackers. Delightful. Randy and I are already laying ownership and rules to the one box we picked up. He has declared I am not allowed to take them to work and/or to share them with friends. My only rule is that he cannot cry when I eat them all--fair and square--at home. While sitting on the couch. Watching Glee.

My second fav or the week is the show Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. If you have never seen Tosh.0, the premise is simple: Comedian Daniel Tosh basically hashes out viral videos and other funny clips from the internet. Think of it as Talk Soup for the next generation. The humor is a little blue and I find the whole thing hysterical. Perhaps this is because I grew up with a mother who thinks farts are the funniest thing on the planet. Whatever the case, it's slightly crude, a little dark and fits my sense of humor. Perhaps that is why I seem to get along smashingly with teenage boys. Either that or I smell like beef jerky. Its a mystery.

Tosh.0	Weds 10:30pm / 9:30c
Video Breakdown - Karate Kid vs. Gangsta
www.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

And lastly... finally being able to post pictures of this adorable little girl. Her name is Paige. Seriously, this baby is a web site traffic GOLD. I should have taken pictures of her in a pile of puppies and my numbers would have been off the charts!!! Her mom is a good friend of mine. I'm considering telling her she could make a lot of money by renting out her baby as traffic bait. Its seriously that amazing. If you want to see the rest... pop on over to www.shamelessphotography.net. And while you are there... you too can ponder the power of Paige--because obviously, it works.