Something Cliche

I know you missed me... and I don't blame you.

2012-01-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

So when I started this blog post I had in mind to give you a bunch of excuses and reasons why I haven't blogged in forever, ie: I have two demanding jobs, a hot boyfriend, a fairly regular social life and a mean streak of laziness only made worse by the invent of Pinterest, but then I was all like, hey, step off. I'm busy and important and I don't owe you an explanation. Just be glad I'm back ya'hear??

Hey, we all deal with guilt in different ways. I am agressive and defensive.

Anyway... Whats up with all of you? Its the beginning of a new year and I have made some tentative resolutions:

1. Stop drinking carbonation (again). While I type this there is a red solo cup filled with Pepsi sitting next to me (AGAIN). You know, they're GOALS. Like things you strive for. Sometimes you never meet your goals. OK. Enough of the judgment.

Man. I am just full of guilt on this post. Moving on...

2. Get my business back in order. I recently got a promotion at my other job, making the job I love--my photography business--way harder to concentrate on. My website has been telling me I need to do a back up and upgrade for some nine months or so and I have multiple shoots I haven't posted. Not to mention I have some sweet woman who wants to feature a senior session I did on her photography website and I haven't gotten her the pictures yet. I feel like a total slacker.

Did I mention that we got a PS3, a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet, a Netflix subscription, and we are now a season and a half into Weeds with no end in sight??? Sigh... Who am I kidding? I've started this blog post three seperate times in the last two days but hey I've streamed 22 episodes of a cable series. I have priorities people.

3. Eat better... Or you know... Less anyway. This also includes not eating out as much and laying off the Super Convenient When I Have Worked A Ten Hour Day And Still Need To Go Home And Do Laundry And Dishes fast food, which is also concurrent with the next resolution which is:

4. Save money. I just bought a new car. The car I had--which I LOVED--was starting to have some issues and it just wasn't cost effective to have them fixed, so while Hyundai was having some year end incentives we decided to take advantage of the situation and take a look. After 8 hours at the dealer and a bunch of test drives later we decided on the Sonata.

Beautiful car. But I didn't just want the regular engine... Oh no, had to have the turbo. And then I didn't just want cloth, I wanted leather. Lets just say I am a spoiled brat and now feel like I should take steps to save some extra money for the car payment. I just keep whispering to myself, "100,00 mile warranty" and then flatten that turbo and peal out like a bat outta hell. That usually makes me feel better. Self medicating has its moments.

And thats the end of the resolutions. Having too many goals you fail to meet doesn't do anything for the ole self esteem ya know what I'm saying? Besides as I write this I start to think to myself, how come resolutions have to suck so much? Why can't they be awesome? So here are some "awesome" goals too:

1. Eat more sushi. So this basically walks right up there and spits in the face of "Crap Resolution #4". I recognize that. I just don't care.

2. Do more shoots with HOT people doing cool things. Which I can tell you, as a professional photographer, is WAY better then taking pictures of ugly people doing nothing. Sooo. Much. Better.

3. Take my sexy car and my sexy boyfriend and go on a couple roadtrips. I'd really like to hit up Seattle and drive down the Oregon coast again. That sounds pretty awesome to me.

Thats it for me. I feel thats a nice comprehensive list. Whats on yours? If you haven't got any "Awesome" resolutions to go with your "Crap" ones I highly suggest you make some.

A happy New Year to you and lets stick it to those troublemaking Mayans already.

Possible ways to get arrested for breaking public decency laws

2011-03-14T13:12:00.001-07:00

I could--without a doubt--bathe in vats of Cafe Rio's Tomatillo Ranch Dressing...

Buuuuuut.. they probably frown on things like that.

Really??? No not really.

2011-02-22T13:27:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been out and about and heard this in a conversation?

"We don't use sarcasm in our house."

"Sarcasm is rude."

"Sarcasm is just a form of lying, we don't tolerate such things."

Perhaps you yourself have said things like that. Or maybe you were one of the kids whose parents uttered such. Well either way--I pity you. Cause there is something else these persons seem to have forgotten:

Sarcasm is freaking AWESOME.

Yeah, that's right. That WASN'T sarcasm. Its true. Sarcasm is hilarious. If its funny, a third of the time there is some form of sarcasm involved. Not letting your kids use sarcasm in the home is virtually the same as home-schooling if you are aiming for future social awkwardness. Yeah yeah... here come the home-schooled/home schooling parents coming down on me, but I'm just basing this on my own experiences. EVERY SINGLE HOME-SCHOOLED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET HAS BEEN STRANGE. There you have it. That's all I can say in that department. Not that they weren't likable or nice---but they certainly didn't have it easy when they hit high school and tried to fit in. NO sir.

Square pots and round lids.

Ever met that one person that just couldn't tell when you were kidding??? How it RUINED anything funny ever said? How they then would assume you were kidding when you weren't and everyone else would stand around scratching their heads because, who IS this guy??? Yeah... That's what happens. Parents, I URGE you--let the sarcasm run freely like the waves over the sand. Don't set your lovely blond daughter up to look ditsy. Don't hang your son out to dry by making him look like a dumb jock except without any athletic ability. Help them to recognize sarcasm. Not only will it assist them in their journey to adulthood, I guarantee that they will be funnier, well adjusted, and three times better looking.

And that last part was sarcasm. Just testin' ya.

Hear ye Hear ye!!

2011-01-31T10:22:00.000-08:00

To all people of the inter-web!! Please help my poor, homely, working single mother of FIVE, sister win a photography workshop. Yes it is ALL true minus the homely part. She could really use the break and she totally deserves it. All you have to do is click on the link below, and VOTE. Literally takes THIRTY seconds. Her name is LORE BUNKER.

Here

It counts one vote per computer, so vote on your smart-phones, your tablets, your ipads, your work computers!! Every vote counts!! Please help me spread the word!!

Thank you so much!!!

I never knew a new job oppurtunity would present itself in such a graphic manner

2011-01-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

I recently had a photo-shoot. It wasn't for a client. It was one that my sister and I had come up with just for some extra fun and to try out some ideas. Basically something to keep us sharp and from gnawing off our own limbs during the slower winter months. Leave it to me to make things harder then necessary.

I decided, not only did I want a cute couple but I wanted a couple cute dogs too!! What's better then living breathing adorable props?? That's right, win win!!

Lets take you back. All is going well. My models are AWESOME. The weather is PERFECT. The dogs are behaving towards each other and all other persons there with great decorum. After we had wrapped up some shots of just, you know, the people, we decided to see if we could get a couple with just the dogs. I had a lovable 6 year old schnauzer named Trevor owned by my bff Kristen and then an energetic little ball of golden fluff, my sister's bff Melanie's Pomeranian Little Bear. Both owners were on sight to act as dog wranglers.

Little Bear is on the young side so all he wants to do is be a puppy and take off, run around, and lick everyone senseless. He has long since gotten over the fact that Trevor is there for the most part, but Mel doesn't want to let him loose off his leash in case he decides to make a jailbreak and take off for the hills. Because of this she uses a small sled that my sister brought as a doggie prop to tie Bear to so that he will (more or less) stay stationary. Kristen then convinces the older and more dignified Trevor to sit on the sled. He's very well trained and while not looking enthused by the prospect of sitting on a cold sled while this pup gallivants around he stays where he's told.

Drama ensues.

I've realized my flash drive is full so I am doing the godzilla stomp through the snow in order to get a new one out of my bag. My sister continues to try and get a shot, but as soon as Kristen leaves Trevor to stand up and walk away Little Bear decides now is a good time to get to know his new acquaintance a little better. You know by doing what dogs do: shaking his hand. OK OK... Sniffing his butt. Trevor looks back at the offender but listens to his "Mom" who keeps repeating, "Treeeevorr... staaaaay" in a low voice, while Melanie keeps calling to Little Bear trying to convince him to stop being so friendly. Giggling.

Umm... This is where this blog launches into PG-13 land. If you are easily offended you should maybe visit Austin's link over there on the right. He's very PC. NOW... onward!!

I'm nearly to my bag when Kristen suddenly proclaims "Ahhh man!! He's licking his weiner!!!" And yes... he is. Little Bear apparently wants DESPERATELY to be friends. All the rest of us know is that this shot is not going to make it to the website. Trevor is sitting there on the sled with the most humiliated flop-eared expression--he just can't believe we are all just making him suffer through this degradation.

I nearly died, "I didn't know this was going to be a dog porn shoot!!"

Kristen quickly retorted, "Not just dog porn---GAY dog porn." Bunch of sicko's.

So there you have it. Gay dog porn. There probably IS a market for it. NO, I'm not going to look for it. And yes in case you were wondering, Trevor's debasement was indeed caught on film. And NO. I'm not going to post the pictures.

Perverts.

So it turns out I'm pretty boring these days...

2011-01-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that I must be preparing to hibernate. Why do I say preparing?? Because, although I have been indeed acting in a sloth-like manner (ie. coming home from work, eating dinner, then permanently parking on my couch to watch Chopped and only resuming mobility to make it to my bed at night) I am still stuffing my face as if I plan on living off my fat stores for three long winter months.

I think now would be a good time to break into the personal pantry if you know what I'm saying. Moo.

Oh... and blog more. Gees. Nag nag nag.

Fav's of the week

2010-11-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently sitting in the never-ending I15 traffic has afforded me some time to think of not one but THREE fav's of the week. See how lucky I am to have a commute every day?

First off are these:

Surprisingly delicious little fudge covered Ritz crackers. Delightful. Randy and I are already laying ownership and rules to the one box we picked up. He has declared I am not allowed to take them to work and/or to share them with friends. My only rule is that he cannot cry when I eat them all--fair and square--at home. While sitting on the couch. Watching Glee.

My second fav or the week is the show Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. If you have never seen Tosh.0, the premise is simple: Comedian Daniel Tosh basically hashes out viral videos and other funny clips from the internet. Think of it as Talk Soup for the next generation. The humor is a little blue and I find the whole thing hysterical. Perhaps this is because I grew up with a mother who thinks farts are the funniest thing on the planet. Whatever the case, it's slightly crude, a little dark and fits my sense of humor. Perhaps that is why I seem to get along smashingly with teenage boys. Either that or I smell like beef jerky. Its a mystery.

Tosh.0

Weds 10:30pm / 9:30c

Video Breakdown - Karate Kid vs. Gangsta

www.comedycentral.com

Tosh.0 Videos

Daniel Tosh

Web Redemption

And lastly... finally being able to post pictures of this adorable little girl. Her name is Paige. Seriously, this baby is a web site traffic GOLD. I should have taken pictures of her in a pile of puppies and my numbers would have been off the charts!!! Her mom is a good friend of mine. I'm considering telling her she could make a lot of money by renting out her baby as traffic bait. Its seriously that amazing. If you want to see the rest... pop on over to www.shamelessphotography.net. And while you are there... you too can ponder the power of Paige--because obviously, it works.

PGA Tour fashion secrets and further musings

2010-10-18T21:37:00.001-07:00

As I have mentioned in the past, my guy is a really big golf fan. This means at my house I spend a lot of time watching golf on TV. Its not as bad as it sounds. When you have an appreciation for the game by having played it, you can really enjoy it. However, when some of the bigger names that I'm a fan of aren't playing it can sometimes still be a bit boring. One of the things that I have seen change over the years is fashion on the PGA. All the big names have their own lines or looks they wear day in and day out. A lot of the younger players coming on tour have their own unique looks and are trying to modernize the fashion on tour and make a name for themselves.

Case in point, Mister Rickie Fowler:

I just have a few musings on this...

1. ...since when does Justin Beeber golf????

2. I didn't know Puma sponsored penal systems.

3. And, mmmm... Cheetos.

Reverting back to childhood--and not in a good way

2010-10-16T09:03:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I fell down.

Yes literally fell to my hands and knees and made a hole in my pants and skinned my knee. I fell hard. I had immediate flashbacks to childhood. I don't remember the last time I actually fell down. Luckily I feel that in most cases I am not very clumsy. It was an unfortunate moment that was unfortunately witnessed.

I was handing a sign up a ladder to a young man who is a work associate of mine. This young man, it is important to note, while being a generally outgoing guy, turns absolute shades of red when any bodily functions or female anatomy is discussed in any form in his presence (at least by women). After handing him the sign I promptly began to walk away. My foot caught the far side of the ladder and I launched awkwardly into space and then collided roughly with the floor.

Me:(after falling) Seriously? Owww.

Young Man: Oh that sucked. I thought you were gonna catch yourself.

Me:(shaking head in disbelief and horror seeing the hole in my pants--yes add insult to injury why don't you?) So did I. Soooo did I.

Young Man: Well... I guess that's what happens when you're top heavy.

...

Little Jerk. Insert drum roll here.

Well... there's an app for that.. Fav of the week.

2010-10-12T21:48:00.001-07:00

In August I finally joined the smart phone revolution. I LOOOOVE it. Before you have one you think to yourself, "I don't NEED all that" but after you get it you think something more along the lines of "If you take it away I'll probably dieeee".

I got a Samsung Galaxy S phone. At T-Mobile it is called a Vibrant but all major companies have them. Its the bomb yo. The screen is amazing, I have my own built in GPS which came in unbelievably handy while driving cross country this summer, it has an AMAZING camera on it, I surf the net and check my business email, and it has all kinds of fun applications available--for free. Seriously, me and my Vibrant are going steady. Its getting pretty serious.
Randy likes to joke that I am not using my phone's full capabilities (much like my brain I suppose) because I haven't downloaded very many apps and that I should probably just trade him so that my poor mistreated phone can reach it's full potential. Yeeeah... not so much.

He had a point however, so the other day I was shopping around the Android Market and found my favorite app to date. I always have my phone on vibrate. I find it sorta embarrassing when my phone starts to blare Paramore while I'm standing in line at the grocery store or when I'm in the middle of a shoot. So vibrate it is--and usually this is just perfect for my needs. However, there is one time when vibrate on the old phone is woefully inadequate: when I've gone and lost it.

Ever tried to find a lost phone when you can't call it to hear it ringing?? Difficult? Yes. Annoying? Always. That's where the "Where's my Droid?" app comes in. You send your phone a pre-programmed text saying whatever you like, it turns your ringer on to the highest setting and starts to ring. When you find it, it automatically returns to its original settings. REJOICE!

Maybe not quite as cute as the Light Saber app, but definitely more practical.

The only drawback I have found is you have to either test it out alone OR make sure the person you have text the "secret message" to your phone is trustworthy. Mine started wailing as I drove down Parley's Canyon going 80 and nearly scaring the bejeebers out of me. Thanks again Randy.

Oh... and sorry Lady in the next lane. :)

If you would never pay to have photos of your family taken---then I feel sorry for you

2010-10-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

Because you miss out on moments like this... This picture of my sister and my nephew literally made me cry. Hormones and a nasty case of PMS aside... I just think it captures a mother's strength and amazing love for her children (at least until they become teenagers). I heart it.

Ohhh.... This is all too true... and that is why I find it soooo funny

2010-10-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Julie Parker. Its a little weird with the way the computer reads the text, but you'll get the point. Right? Also, I know that after not posting anything in a millennium that posting a video is highly suspect and a complete cop-out---but I don't care. I am too busy and important. (LOLs!)

And Susie Homemaker is back for another addition of....hey, that wasn't bad!

2010-06-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

You know.. that's funny that I said that. Because I'm usually so busy working/shooting, editing, and you know--sleeping, that I barely get my dishes done (much to the horror of Randy). There's only so many hours in the day right? But sometimes things just work.

Yesterday while sitting in a golfcart (first off it was Sunday and I was taking the day off--don't you judge me) the epiphany hit me. So I'm doing a crap diet again which is why I get inventive in the first place. I'm always trying to figure out a way to fix up some of the old standbys so they aren't as boring because basically while on it I eat copious amounts of chicken breast and it gets old. I look up recipes and pick and choose what I like and discard what I don't and come up with my own version.

You will need:
4 Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts
Gallon Ziplock Bag
Water
Kosher Salt
Tobasco Spicy Brown Mustard
Agave
Lemon Juice
Soy Sauce
Mayonnaise
Worcestershire Sauce

Easy Right?? No? It is!

OK first off we're gonna do a brine. I hate it when I cook chicken on the grill and it comes out a little dry and all the flavor is on the outside and there's nothing in the middle. A brine makes your meat more tender and helps it absorb more moisture before hitting the grill. Put four chicken breast in a ziplock bag. Add about 4 cups of water and a 1/4 cup Kosher Salt. Do not use table salt!! It has iodine in it and will make your meat tastes funky. Besides... this stuff tastes better period and it is absolutely the best thing for grilling steaks--I'm just sayin. Close ziplock bag pushing out as much air as possible.

Let meat sit in brine for about 45-60 minutes.

Next up we have Agave. Not many people may be familiar with it so let me explain. This is a low glycemic sweetner---much better for you then sugar. Its awesome on fresh berries. Tastes like a DREAM with no funky Stevia aftertaste. This stuff is great for people on HCG, low sugar, and low carb diets. It has the consistancy of warm honey. You can bake and cook with it and its very easy to use. And before you roll your eyes and say you don't want to go to the funky smelling Whole Foods to get it---you can find this at Walmart in the baking section and at Costco in two packs. It's more expensive then sugar of course, but if you use it just for putting over fresh fruit this summer it will be worth it!! Promise!

Put about a 1/4 cup in a small bowl. (Ok ok... and if you still aren't sold on the Agave--jerks. You can use honey.)

Next up we have some Tobasco Spicy Brown Mustard. I went with this because Randy loves kick to his food and I didn't want it to be the same old same old. Randy and I found this at Walmart next to the mustard and the Tobasco. If you are afraid of spice don't be. The agave tones it down quite a bit. Maybe even too much for some tastes. The point is this stuff just gives the flavor another level.

Add about a 1/3 of a cup.

So next we're gonna add a little Worcestershire Sauce. If you don't already own this you can find it next to the BBQ sauce and rubs. Lots of people use it in marinades and making jerky. A little goes a long way. So I'd recommend a small bottle unless you are familiar with it.

Go ahead and add about two teaspoons. If you don't have this you can use a steaksauce like A-1. They a mirror images of each other and the flavor should be very similar.

OK... so this is where I'm gonna get the looks.. the looks of yeah right... REAL healthy. Right? Am I right?

Don't worry. Its not much and considering we are just basting the chicken with it your not gonna be eating very much. You can leave it out if you want. I made mine with so I'm not sure how or if it effects the flavor.

Add about a tablespoon of mayonnaise.

Now we need a little bit of acid. Next on the list is Lemon Juice. Add a Tablespoon.

Soy Sauce is next. I should have measured, but in all honesty... I almost never do. Which is why I am the worst baker known to man. What they don't tell you when you bake is that actually you are doing precise chemical reactions--measure correctly! In cooking I just throw in what I want till it tastes good.

I'd say give it three to four good squirts. If you are using Kikkoman with the huge top hole... better go... Hmmm. Two teaspoons.

Mix all together. This is a good time to give it a taste. This is pretty easy to tailor to your own needs. If you think its too sweet--add mustard or vice versa. Pretty simple to add a little this and that till it tastes how you like it. I was never a huge fan of mustard back in the day--or honey mustard for that matter--but this stuff is very tasty and you might want to have extra for dipping. It would probably with a few alterations make a great salad dressing as well. For extra flavor you could also marinate your chicken in this after the brine.

Be certain you drain well and pat chicken dry to get off excess salt. Give your chicken a dip in the mustard and put on a pre-heated grill. Grill for normal amount of time but turn and baste chicken often. Baste generously. It gives the chicken a lovely golden color and comes out looking beautiful. You could do this on a broiler if you needed to but the grill really does add something special to the taste. Remove from grill when chicken is firm. The meat should be super juicy.

Hope you try and enjoy it! I think its gonna be a new favorite at my house!

Excuses excuses, a smidgen of self loathing, utter disgust, and finally a little brevity and touch of smug satisfaction

2010-05-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

I know my blog posts have been coming with the frequency of my sister's child support checks and I apologize to anyone who has checked back more then once only to be greeted again and again by the sinister smile of Ellen.

I've been busy.

Take a look. To the right is a picture of the garbage can next to my computer. It is filled to the brim with empty cans of carbonated beverages and flattened candy boxes and wrappers. This means only one thing:

I have been working Photoshop magic for nearly a fortnight.

I once noted in a prior post that editing required a constant sugar supply. If the sugar stops all production stops. The sugar must flow. Add that to the late nights I have been hard at work and you gotta add the caffeine. That's how this whole thing works. I have been working on a new website AND editing two shoots (and the day job). Its been busy. And I have had PMS... basically this last couple weeks has been a recipe for waistline disaster.

Lets move on to something even MORE unpleasant... shall we? Recently I had a family shoot. They were a family that really wanted something urban so we met up at the salt flats for a cool location that really fit their style. We noticed right off the bat when we got there hundreds of little flies.

They were everywhere. I looked down on my shoulder and I'd see hundreds. It was disgusting, it was shiver inducing, but since they were so small perhaps, we decided to tough it out. After all we'd come all that way. From the picture you can see shooting was a challenge as people kept wanting to move to swat the nasty little vermin away.

We swatted, we swiped, we spit, we wiped tiny flies out of our lip-gloss, and we shot. However, it soon became apparent that not only were these little guys a nuisance, but they were also BITING.

The family I was shooting was debating a reschedule when I looked at my sisters face and saw blood red welts in the corners of her eyes. That was enough for me. I called it and we tore to our respective vehicles shaking and swatting. We rolled the windows down and drove like bats outta hell. As we left it became quickly apparent that we each had a hundred billion raised bites. Lore had a mass along her hairline, I could feel my back was full of them, Alexis claimed she looked like she had the pox. Then... the itching began.

This is a picture of my back as it looked after we had made it home. It was disgusting. Together the three of us suffered most of the entire next week. I have never scratched so much in my entire life. Damn biting midges. Who knew?

Luckily that day was not a complete waste as we found some time to have a mini shoot with a couple girls that Alexis knew. This is the lovely Moriah. I'll have these posted soon.

Speaking of posting, the new website is now launched! Please go ahead and have a look at it. I have new bridals posted. I have been working on it for the last three or four weeks and I'm thrilled I'm finally caught up. If you have had it on your blog rolls please update it again or it won't show you when I've posted anything new. If you've never been but you're interested in seeing my work check it out at the link on the top right or at www.shamelessphotography.net.

Finally!! Now what am I gonna do with myself???

A Cha Cha update---or otherwise titled "How Cha Cha is a Writhing Den of Depravity"

2010-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Just for the sake of revisiting last weeks topic... Once again my BFF Di and I found ourselves on the same couches, same time, same Tivo'd channel.

Its interesting how American Idol stimulates such deep and fulfilling conversation.

While listening to the judges prattle on while feeling self important, Diana mentioned to me that her husband Sam had heard that Ellen Degeneres has tattoo sleeves which is why she always wears long sleeved shirts. I made a face and said I didn't think she seemed the type. Diana agreed but also noted how it was interesting how she always seemed to have on long sleeved attire.

"I'm gonna ask Cha Cha!" she proclaimed and chortled, "They are always sources of such reliable information." I laughed and agreed. To all those out there who are sarcastically challenged--that was sarcasm.

And... I pity you.

Diana sent off a text message asking about the possibility of arm length tattoos on the new Idol judge. Cha Cha promptly responded with this: "Ellen Degenres has a book titled 'The Funny Thing Is'. It was released on September 28, 2004. Can I help you with anything else?"

To this I sat up and said loudly, "WTF!? Yeah you can! Say, 'Yeah. Can you answer my question ????'" Diana and I both laughed and she texted Cha Cha with our response to their generous offer of further guidance.

Seconds later we got our answer:

"Yes I am gay and so is my lesbian lover. Would you like to join us?"

...

...come again????

Because this is all I got right now...

2010-05-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

Who here hasn't heard of Cha Cha?

Anyone?

No not the dance. The answering text service that you can send questions to and they text you an answer back. Well?

At one time, it is my understanding that they had (or perhaps still have) answering "guides" here in Utah. You send a text massage to Cha Cha on your phone and a person would sit in front of a computer and find the answer and promptly--or not that promptly, Google it and respond.

Anyway, this Cha Cha business has been going on for quite a while now. Back in the day when it was small and no one had heard of it you could send tons of questions and get nice reliable answers for the most part. As it grew bigger and more popular word on the streets was that they had outsourced a lot of their "answering technicians" to India. Now there is also a question limit in place and they have begun to give some sketchy answers. It has become, instead of a way to answer certain questions, almost more of a type of entertainment because you never know what kind of random answer you would get that only barely relates to the topic.

Just recently, however, our question "guide" decided not only to supply us with the answer, but their personal opinion as well. Case in point:

The other night while running through my long list of Tivo'd entertainment, my friend Di and I watched the Sinatra night on American Idol. We started talking about the Rat Pack and we decided to ask Cha Cha who all the members were because we could only really remember three. We got this answer relatively promptly:

"Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford. I bet they got laid non-stop!!! Cha Cha is SWEET!!"

Yes. It most certainly IS.

Rock music befuddles the mind

2010-05-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a rock concert with my friend Diana featuring Daughtry with Lifehouse and Cavo as opening acts. It was a good time and even though I wasn't really familiar with Cavo, I enjoyed all the sets. It had been a little while since I had been to a real rock show and while there I gleaned some interesting factoids. I call them fact-toids because they are opinion with a little tiny bit of space debris sized fact included. Okay? Off we go!

First off. Old people like Daughtry. Like my mom's age old. They also like to stay seated throughout the entire concert and I'm betting complain bitterly that all they can see is the glint of the spotlight off Chris' shaved head. Eh... at least they got the early bird prices at Sizzler before heading to the E Center.

Next up: Women of great size love a man with a shaved head and tight jeans. That's not to say that woman of all sizes might not enjoy such a man, only that there seemed to be a large quantity of really big gals there, and thusly such a concert does great things for your own self esteem. By the end of the evening, me and my ample behind felt absolutely smokin.

If you are an opening act, opening for the OTHER opening act, and maybe haven't really hit it big yet you should probably teach your audinence your hot single before asking them to sing it without you. The lead singer of Cavo got at mix of garbled humming and...

"Coulda been the the champagne, ...champagne?"

"No, its coulda been the migrain, MIGRAINE."

" ...the three-way????"

"I love this song."

If you are interested in the actual lyrics you can hear the song here.

Then we have the very large population of shaved headed men. Now I can be down with the head shaving thing on certain guys. Chris Daughtry, Jason Statham, Vinn Diesel are nice examples of attractive men that keep it cropped close. However, at this concert were many a man that just could not pull it off. Instead of looking tough and hot, they looked like a misshapen melon had hijacked a body. And a wallet chain. Guys if you think you might wanna go for the shaved head look, do it in the privacy of your own home on a long weekend. And then ask your girl how it looks. If she answers without laughing and or crying you're golden.

Or she's a woman of dramatic proportions. Either way, someone likes how it looks. I'm just sayin.

Lastly, it seems that if you're a woman, you should be wearing a shirt and or jeans with a great deal of "bling". We're talking glitter, or rhinestones, or at the very least sequins. Oh and also loud rock music, bright lights, reflective concert-wear and Chris Daughtry on stage can lead to moments of forgetfulness... on purposeness... as illustrated below:

Di (while eyeing a particularly glittery drunk girl): Maaaan... I can't believe I didn't wear my sequin shirt tonight.

Me (in an equally valley-girlesque tone): I know right?? Now Chris will NEVER see you in this crowd. Uhhh.

Di: Crap! I know!! Just great... but he's married anyway so...

Me: Is he?

Di: Yeah don't you remember?

Me: I mean is he still? Do you know for sure?

Di: Oh I'm sure he is,

(pause)

...and come to think of it... so am I.

Now THAT is will power!

2010-04-22T09:55:00.001-07:00

Recently, my sister, my friend Diana, and I all started a diet. Its pretty harsh but we've done it with good results before. This time, however, none of us are doing all that well as is illustrated by the following IM between my sister and I today:

Lore: I am in one heck of a funk... it sucks.. Hey I am cheating today for lunch. Work is buying Olive Garden.

Me: Ok. I am cheating today for dinner... going to Red Rock Brewery before the concert. But I'm having a salad.

Lore: If you're gonna cheat tonight so can I. I'll have a salad.. with pasta on the side and maybe a breadstick

Me: Get some protein

Lore: I don't think they are ordering any of that.

Me: ... Bad you.

Lore: I know... (head hanging down)

Me: Can't say anything tho. I have been super bad the last two days. Think I gained two pounds

Lore: Me too. Only 1 though

Me: (head hanging lower) Too much fruit... extra crap... just bad.

Lore: I broke all the rules and had Bajio. I was pissed at the world.

Me: LOL...Yeah? Well Diana and I split a ten piece chicken nugget.

Lore: lol, Protein! Did you dip?

Me: Yeah! Protein! That's what we said anyway. Yes. We dipped. ::sigh::

Lore: LOL negative protein! I had chips and queso.

Me: Ha!! I had ice cream bon bons.

Lore: I told you I took out my frustration out on my diet and ...you had WHAT! That is way off the chart!!

Me: I had these little Dove bon bons... two a day. I should just go and kill myself.

Lore: I am going to eat a Girl Scout cookie right now just to be even!

Me: FINE... I had three nut clusters from Costco already!

Lore: Shut up! I have not had a single drop of water today! Other than when I brushed my teeth anyway.

Me: ME EITHER!!

Lore: GREAT. We are such good unmotivational partners. We should be on our own poster.

Me: Amen Sister.

Pain and irritation aren't really my style

2010-04-20T12:52:00.001-07:00

Just a few things of note:

Lately every time I shave I need a freakin blood transfusion. And while we're in that vein of conversation why do razors cost their weight in gold? Is there something I don't know? Are the blades coated in platinum or something??? But I've learned my lesson. Although the simple single blade razors are cheap and extremely sharp, they also sever arteries and so I guess I WILL be shelling out the eight dollars for the three pack of Venus again. Maybe after I will go frolick on the beach with some sheer fabric and a couple girlfriends. I guess that's what poor people with soft, smooth legs do.

And finally, after five days of glorious spring weather its gonna snow and rain again. I'm so ready for summer. I want to go shoot blooming orchards and wear flip flops. This disappoints me greatly. Perhaps I can hold off on those razor purchases after all. I'll need the extra insulation.

Maybe its better if you're smoking a joint?

2010-04-15T12:22:00.001-07:00

You know what I miss? Black Angus. We used to make a 15 minute freeway drive because there wasn't a decent steakhouse in our area. Great steaks, the most amazing baked potato soup, a smashing Caesar. You know, good stuff. Then sadly a couple years ago they all closed up shop and POOF were gone.

Let us speak a bit about Texas Roadhouse if you will.

About a year ago Texas Roadhouse opened a location five minutes from our home. We have been on several occasions. I'm not a complete hater, as a matter of fact we went there for dinner last night, but I do have a couple beefs (please excuse the pun) with this joint.

I have a problem with the peanuts shells strewn casually all over THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT. I get that lil treats keep the hungry masses from turning on you and attacking your staff. That, however, seems to be in ample supply (every time I'm there I swear they have one staff member for every two patrons which is all fine and dandy but when they run out of stuff to do they walk the aisles prowling and flirting with each other, commenting on the adorableness of the others' studded jeans. No wonder the back of their T shirts desperately proclaim "I love my job!!" Why wouldn't they?). The peanuts kind of gross me out. Specially when I have to wade through them in my flip flops possibly catapulting shells in my wake all the way to my table.

Once at my table I have to yell over the cacophony of Boot Scootin Boogie and the wailing of Hootie minus The Blowfish to fellow diners. Then I stare blankly at our server while attempting to read his lips because I can't understand more then five words at a time. I get,"Cherry." "Cheese," and "Sooooo gooood." After that I just nod and smile. That place is LOUD. So if you were hoping on having a conversation, forget it. Two painfully shy people would find this the perfect place for first date dinner after a Bruckheimer movie.

After ordering I get to sit and stare at the likes of jackalope, burro blankets and Willie Nelson. Yeah I know its your restaurant Willie (which explains the twangy country and the fact that the staff will do a line dance to Jessica Simpson's These Boots Were Made For Walkin ) but why do I have to look at your ugly mug while eating? The food is decent. The steak is usually cooked how you ask for it. And if you wanna pay 2 dollars to have six mushrooms on it, well they can help you out there too. Lastly we have the Roadhouse birthday song that the staff screams at the top of their lungs and usually wraps up with an ear shattering "Yeeeeee Haaaaaaa!!!". Don't even get me started on how much I detest dining establishments that sing to customers.

So why do you ask? Why after all that negativity do I still go here?? Why do I complain about everything and still brave the crusted peanut shells between my toes at the table?

Because of these little darlings:

The honey butter rolls at Texas Roadhouse are my bitchy cryptonite. I LOVE them. I can honestly say I wanted to go there last night for these little piping hot carb balls and NO OTHER REASON. Thats it.

Favorite thing of the week

2010-04-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Up till now, to the amazement (and horror) of some fellow photographers, I have only used Photoshop Elements. My sister gave Me CS4 for Christmas and I have it finally loaded onto my computer. It is both the same and different. A pain and a joy. But I am really looking forward to mastering some of it and putting it to good use. I am in the market for a very nice looking black and white action. If anyone knows where to get one that is really lovely let me know, I'd be forever grateful!!

Yesterday I went and shot my lovely niece in the yuckiest dirty air day ever. It actually was probably helpful in most cases and if we had only got done beautifying Courtney earlier we could have hit several different spots. In the meantime here is a couple sneak peaks of Court channeling her inner Miley. Minus the smoker voice.

I can't control it. Its in my genes.

2010-04-09T14:17:00.001-07:00

I'm a good driver. Albeit a bit of a lead foot.

I almost never go over 30 in a residential area. I obey all non-speed related traffic laws. And despite that one tiny little transgression, I feel like I am a conscientious and courteous driver.

Oh... as long as you're not an idiot. I forgot that part.

Unfortunately for the rest of you on the road, whether or not you fall into that category is completely decided upon by me. You know, like how deep I am in the clutches of a particularly evil brand of PMS, whether or not you are slowing me down, cutting me off, just generally irritating me by not turning off your blinker or all manner of other things.

I'm kinda a brat like that.

There is the one thing I do however that I cannot deny: I speed like a bat out of hell.

Mainly I save this behavior for the freeway. On average I go 75 mph but it would only be because the person in front of me is slowing me down or I can see UHP ahead. Normally I coast along at about 80. This works for me. I cannot fathom driving all of anywhere at 65. How do those people get anywhere on time?! Hmmm... I guess possibly they start earlier. Bunch of weirdos. But anyway.. really what I'm trying to get at here is that its not my fault.

Its genetic.

My grandpa Cliff once got a ticket for leaving a red light at too high a rate of speed. Apparently no one was gonna beat his Caddy out of the gate. My grandpa Lamar always was a bit heavy on the gas pedal and always beat everyone to wherever they were going. And my mom.... well lets just say that if we're both going down State Street and she doesn't hit traffic---all I see are tail lights (luckily the tailgating she performs either ISN'T genetically passed on or it skips generations).

So there you have it. Next time I get pulled over, I'm trying this defense. How do you think it will go?

I'm Needy!!

2010-04-06T14:03:00.001-07:00

I recently read that to cultivate a blog following you really need to have new content every single day. For some reason creating a blog following is really attractive to me. You know, loads of people scattered across the country reading my oh so witty banter over their McCafe on an otherwise bleak work day and finding a little joy in it. ::sigh::

Of course the obvious bonus would be funneling some towards my photography business and getting work at the same time.

But that aside I cannot understand my compulsion for having readers. Do I have a strong need to get my important message out?? Well, one would first need a message. Considering I'm pretty liberal, completely anti-political, and have no cause I can think of other then my newly stated desire to stamp out the donning of all Croc footwear and getting that Urban kid booted off Idol, my soapboxes are few. Or should I say random. I guess in all likelyhood, my only goal is a scatterbrained blog with humerous insights into life and some photography thrown in the mix.

While the idea of new content everyday seems like an impossibility to me, I am vowing to work on getting closer to that goal. Will my blog posts turn into more drivel like this? Probably. Hopefully that's still enough for my very own blog following. I don't need much. Just enough that when I say unavoidable stuff that insults people, like how I don't care for Twilight or use the term "pimped out" that I still have leftovers. That works for me, 'cause thats how I roll.

Wistful...

2010-03-26T13:26:00.001-07:00

Things have been pretty slow on the ole blog train lately. I know it.

I have found my mind wandering to other things, none of which make for very interesting banter for the blogosphere. For example, how the recent reemergence of the color green has made me have an itchy trigger finger and how I want to scout new locations and shoot fabulous models or how the holy trinity of the Bumpit, the Miracle Bra and the Booty Pop would make me irresistable to all men. You know, stuff like that.

I AM mightily looking forward to a couple things:

The return of Glee on Fox. Horay for another way to waste an hour of my time that I could be using to do important things--like my taxes.

The upcoming Daughtry/Lifehouse concert that I sorta just fell into thanks to Randy, my love.

And some senior shoots that are lined up, because they are my favorites and so much fun.

What are you guys looking forward to? I mean... besides the booty pop.

And Then I Turned Three

2010-03-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

So for the most part, I don't chime in on fashion. I mean what do I know? I'm 31 and chubby. But I do know enough to detest Crocs (as I mentioned in the last post) and steer clear of the idea of me in skinny jeans (oh the horror!). I do manage to look readily decent and also like I managed to evolve past high school, something sadly, many don't. This is for the most part enough for me. But after last night... something has been weighing heavily on my mind.

What is it with adults wearing clothes I wore when I was two?

Alas... The Romper.

I thought the jumpsuits were bad enough. They gave me flash backs of Jody from Today's Special and April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... but now.... now we have the romper. Same idea as a jumpsuit... just cut the legs off into shorts and increase hideousness by untold amounts.

This is Paige, a contestant from American Idol performing this week wearing an especially... um, energetic, romper. She sang fairly well and was in the bottom two. You can form your own conclusion--but I'm going with the romper.

I so rock the crock

2010-03-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

Please note: The title said CROCK. Not Crocs. I do NOT rock Crocs. My loathing for those is ANOTHER blog post entirely. And if you're a man wearing Crocs--right now perhaps, no words can express my disappointment in you. Good luck Sir.

Now. On to me rocking the crock--pot to be exact.

Recently I was on a diet. Cue the eye rolling. No one wants to hear about another woman bawling over the weight she needs to lose, her fat thighs, and how she just needs a piece of chocolate. Me neither. So I'm not going to speak of dieting, calorie counting or back fat (despite the fact that I find the last topic humorous in many ways). No this post is about how something GREAT came out of something crap. Yes that sounded very intelligent. I like it.

You will need:

1. A Crock Pot
2. 3-5 Chicken Breasts
3. One can Hunts Tomatoes with Garlic
4. One Habanero Chili
5. One good sized Serrano Chili
6. Cumin
7. Salt & Pepper, Garlic Salt
8. Salsa Verde or a Green Chili Sauce
9. Crushed or Minced Garlic
10. Chicken Broth
11. Mushrooms
12. Cheese of choice
13. Avocado

First empty a can of tomatoes in the crock pot.

You could use any canned tomato in all actuality but I just liked how these already were cooked with garlic.

Place chicken breasts in crock pot.

Season liberally with salt and pepper, and garlic salt.

Also sprinkle liberally with cumin. There is a lot of liquid going to be in the pot so don't be afraid to use it.

Throw in two Tablespoons of minced garlic.

Add about a half a cup of chicken broth to the crock pot.

Get one Habanero (the pretty orange one) and one Serrano chili. These have kick--especially the Habenero, but the flavor is amazing. Don't worry, they won't kill you. The cheese and avocado will cut the spice nicely. Don't skimp on a pepper or you'll regret it. If you are scared of the spice, use half of each. However, I have been told I am a "honkey" and this doesn't even make my lips burn. It is just a nice heat.

If you haven't used chilies like this, please wear rubber gloves while you chop them. They have natural oils that once on your fingers are easy to transfer to your eyes or... other places. All of which I'm sure would be unpleasant. I used the bag from the grocery store to cut the stems off and then a chopper to do the rest.

Another way to cut the heat is to get rid of some of the seeds if you like. Also, remember the smaller the chili the hotter it is so when you pick out your Serrano, you are much better off with a bigger one!!

Chop the chilies as fine as possible. You don't want to get a big bit of a Habanero. Okay, you might. You might also be a masochist. But to each their own I say. Throw chopped chilies in on your chicken.

Add about a cup of Salsa Verde or green chili sauce. This is a great flavor with cumin, garlic and chicken! Start your crock pot on a low setting. It can take anywhere between 1.5-2.5 hours depending on your crock pot and the number and thicknesses of your chicken breasts.

About half way through, stir up your chicken, turn over if needed and make sure it is all being coated. If you like, add some cut up mushrooms at this time.

When chicken is done, turn off crock pot or put it on its warming setting. Add cheese to top of chicken breasts. I used a mix of Provologne and Monterey Jack. It was wonderful. The cheese cuts the heat, so don't skimp unless you like it spicier. If you're on a diet you can skip this step... but oh, you're missing out. Replace lid until cheese is melted.

When cheese is melted and you are ready to plate, cut up avocado and add slices to the top of chicken breasts.

Enjoy!! Sorry it doesn't look all that pretty, but by this time, I just wanted to eat it!! I hope somebody takes my word for it and tries it. You won't be disappointed! (and if you are, I'll just blame it on operator error and none of my own doing!!). Bon Apetit!!

Favorite Thing of the Week

2010-02-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

This isn't actually NEW. And its not REALLY the best thing of the week. I just love it. Me and a couple buddies of mine quote it aaaallll the time. This sums up my sense of humor pretty well. If you don't find it funny at all, we might be better off not being friends. I'm just saying. Enjoy.

Oh... and the next sketch ain't bad either!!

Because it amuses me...

2010-02-11T09:37:00.001-08:00

An IM conversation between my sister and I:

Lore: I think my right boob is smaller than my left one, my necklace always bounces over that one when I walk.

Me: ...nice, you probably would walk in a giant circle if left unobstructed.

Lore: Well if I just watched my boobs while I walked there is a chance of that, but I try not to

Me: Well.. um.. keep up the good work.

Its your birthday, we gon' party like its your birthday

2010-02-05T12:22:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Blog!!

My blog is turning 2. Its a toddler now!! Meaning I get even more reason to act out and say irresposible things. Or at least dump whole boxes of cereal on the floor and cry when tired. Terribly good start I think.

To celebrate we are going to go to the Melting Pot downtown tonight. OK... thats not EXACTLY true. We are going to the Melting Pot, but not in celebration of lovely blog's birthday (Travesty I tell you. Travesty). Instead we are going with money Kim gave us for Christmas, which also included hand written sentiment in which she threatened us against hooligan-like activities using said monies with severe bodily harm.

Also we have wanted to go there forever!

Randy and I always talked that we wanted to go there but the Melting Pot encourages reservations and such. If you know Randy at all you would know that making plans are not in his repetoire. Thus we haven't been. Kim gave us the push we needed to actually take destiny into our hands. We invited my sister, Randy made reservations, and tonight we're gonna eat some fondue!!

Will keep you updated on eating of tasty things and having glorious time.

Favorite Thing of the Week

2010-02-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

Alas...

Its my Kindle.

I'm loving my little electronic book!! I've been book happy the last month reading The Hunger Games, the sequel Chasing Fire, The Lost Symbol, Bridget Jones' Diary and Vanish. I'm am now a good way into the novel Deeper Then the Dead and I have a half dozen books on my "Save for Later" list in my Kindle.

Convenience is the key. I just carry my Kindle around in my purse. It has a nice cover and an adorable skin. I take it out and read at lunch, when I'm waiting for my car to be detailed, while I'm getting my nails done, anytime I have a minute or two. I never lose my space, I can change my mind and switch to a different book, I can even shop for new books. It's awesome!!

My apartment is small. I'm finding it hard to find extra room for books. Now I don't have to anymore!! The Kindle stores up to 1500 books give or take and if by some freakish chance I were to fill it up I can use Amazon online to store some I'm not reading. Shazam!

So if you love books and reading, and have been stumped on what to ask for Valentines from your honey then I suggest practicing puppy dog eyes NOW. (And Randy, thanks for the bestest Christmas present ever!!)

Let me know how it goes!

Performing your civic duty BLOWS.

2010-02-02T13:44:00.001-08:00

OK. So yeah. It was fascinating to see our justice system at work first hand. It was also exceedingly long, tedious, frustrating and quite frankly a little bit disheartening.

If you ever find yourself headed to trial or to jury selection, here's some things, from my experience, you can maybe expect:

1. Sometimes the judge is a pretty funny guy and shares personal stories with you. Also these would be a good way to find him if your family member is convicted. You know... to talk with him. In private.

2. In jury selection sometimes you might see people you know. And sometimes because of the topic of the case you learn new things about them. Like how they live in Spanish Fork and have two kids now. Also how they are engaged to a convicted sex offender.

3. Sometimes the defence also has an attorney that is co-chairing a case cause they are new. Watch these attorneys because often they are often patronizing to the opposing council's witnesses and have absolutely no p-p-p-oker face and you can tell that they are really pissed when the judge overrules their objections. Entertaining during really long and or boring testimony.

4. When a witness is on the stand, sometimes the judge's chair breaks and he almost falls out. He almost always finds the wheel later.

5. Occasionally when the jury comes back in after a recess a juror forgets where his or her seat is and tries to jump over the row back to their seat only to get stuck. And embarrassed.

6. At times the bailiff falls asleep.

7. Its hard to get the jury to agree when when one outspoken juror in particular doesn't think that any of the testimony is evidence, that there are no facts, and that all the witnesses were either lying or having "power trips" or "bad day(s)".

8. Sometimes the trial goes on forever. So the court buys you dinner from Brick Oven. Woot! Free food.

9. Could happen that you will deliberate until midnight and the bailiff will come and ask you imploringly if you want to possibly deliberate the next day or if you are almost done. Please dear Lord, say you're almost done.

10. Sometimes as a jury you can not agree even though everyone thinks the defendant is guilty because one juror gets everyone hung up on technicalities while others wring their hands cause they just don't want to send someone to prison. And they are all 23 and younger.

11. Sometimes in their closing statement the defense council says that they aren't calling the police officer who testified a liar, then proceeds to call him a liar. Also... she is scary.

12. Be wildly entertained when in jury room, outspoken juror uses a button to summon the bailiff and gets shocked.

13. Might be you find yourself bitter yet also somewhat redeemed when the outspoken juror that had convinced everyone they couldn't convict the defendant on the evidence at hand is told by the prosecutor after trial that the defendant was not only guilty of the crime but was doing the same thing that put him in jail previously. Juror then yells at the prosecutor telling him he should have done a better job proving his case when almost all the other jurors had wanted to convict the defendant. Might want to strangle said juror. Also, give all underage girls a warning flier with the defendants face on it.

So there you are, just some things to expect while being a part of our nation's amazing justice system. I only hope there's a little blue paper in your future, good luck.

Now. Wheres my eighteen dollars!!!??

Favorite Thing of the Week

2010-01-21T13:32:00.001-08:00

I have a love hate relationship with Costco.

I DO enjoy shopping there. I HATE the crowds and how I have to park mile away to avoid super sized carts and the super sized geniuses that push them. I LOVE finding new stuff there. I HATE that I leave with three items and a total of $423.67. I like that they have a great little photo center with good prices and its easy to upload to. I don't like how some of the items come in sizes that are just too big for Randy and I to justify buying. I LOVE the pizza and bakery. I HATE the pizza and bakery. You know what I mean. Its Costco.

Anyway, I'll get to the point... a while ago my sister and I after a long, super cold photoshoot decided to stop at Costco and pick up a few things. I needed contacts, she needed 22 loaves of bread. The usual. Unfortunately, we broke the number one rule of Costco shopping: Never Go Hungry.

We started throwing things in the cart we didn't need. Everything sounded good. Thats when we stumbled onto these little lovelies: Mareblu Naturals Blueberry Pomegranate Trail Mix Crunch

This stuff is delightful. I LOVE it. Its a mix of almonds, cashews, pistachios, dried blueberries, and pomegranite. Its all natural, kosher, gluten free and some other stuff that I don't pay attention to because it actually tastes sooooo good!! They are like little clusters of blueberry nut deliciousness.

In the words of my wise, yet bratty nephew Kyle: They make me so happy.

That's why I love her...

2010-01-20T13:28:00.001-08:00

Recent conversation between my sister and I as we wait to go through security in the Miami International Airport:

Me: Ugh. I hate security.

Lore: Hey, can the Amish fly? How's that work?

Me: Huh? Since when? No the Amish don't fly.

Lore: Well what's that guy doing?

Me: What?! What guy?

Lore: That one down there in line.

Me: (laughing) You nerd, that's an Orthodox Jew!

Lore: Ohhhhhhh.... yeah.

A status update of sorts..

2010-01-07T09:24:00.001-08:00

Yes. I am alive.

Yes I am aware that my blog has begun to molder.

Yes I know the smell of decomposition is starting to waft through the links and stink up your own blogs.

HOWEVER---I also know that most of YOU haven't been blogging either and so that might just be your own stink. So step off.

Instead I offer you an invitation to join me in a new year blog sprucing. Its the perfect time. Resolve to blog more often. You know, change your background. Add some pictures. Make the place look nice. Use a little Fabreze---get rid of the smell. I think it will be beneficial to all, don't you? If there's blogs to read I get inspired. If there's reason to check on blogs I have more reason to feel guilt over my own... never underestimate the power of shame. It does wonders.

So I extend this Blog Swiffer to all. Any takers?

Strange new happenings

2009-12-10T10:14:00.001-08:00

The cell phone has a strange power over people.

Its almost as if the cell phone is an actual present human being that gives a person a sense of being with others, like a pack mate. Much like the changes that occur when you have the the shy, quiet, lone teen and then you let them loose with other teens and they then become obnoxious, rude, hooligan types with no manners, the same thing happens with the average adult when they become attached to their cell phone in a public place. They go from a right-thinking individual to a tactless, thoughtless, blob of, "What? Did I do something wrong?".

Now perhaps you, the reader do some of the following things. I'm not coming at you. Perhaps you don't even realize the effect your behavior has on those around you because you are so engrossed with your conversation. That's why I'm here. To enlighten you to how big of a jerk everyone else is thinking you are. See, I've got your back like that.

Firstly,

The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation: For some reason people on the cell phone in public places think we want to hear their side of their conversations. They talk so loud you can hear them several yards away. Lady, I don't care that your sisters husband ruined the family reunion. And seriously, think about it. Do you want a dozen other strangers to know about your dysfunctional relationships? Blue tooth has added a funny element to this particular issue. Not only do all of us around you think that you're annoying, but for the first minute or two we think you're just plain crazy as well. I am so mentally mocking the lady that is 'outside voicing' to the heavens and gesturing as she pushes her cart down the grocery aisle. Then I go home and publicly mock them on my blog. Don't let this happen to you folks. And since we're on the subject of blue tooth ANYWAY...
The Individual That Wears Their Blue Tooth To Social Gatherings: Just don't. Okay? Basically you're telling everyone around you that they're not important enough for you to miss a call. As a matter of fact, how about we just say if you're not driving or doing something with your hands---you just look like a jerk. Next...
The Guy Whose Time Is Much More Important Then Your Own: People who stand in check out lanes, post office lines, in front of bank tellers etc and talk on the phone having no regard for the person across from them or the people behind them in line. How about this? How about you show some respect for your fellow human beings? Its called having manners. How would you feel if the bank teller was on a personal call while she counted your money? How about offering the same level of respect to these people that are trying to do their jobs? Difficult to remember that they aren't just animatronic wax figures sent to do your bidding I know, but TRY. Often the animatrons are much nicer that way. Or so I've heard.
And lastly the strangest phenomenon of all, The Person Who Has Nothing To Hide! (But Who We All Wish Did): This is the individual who I have seen lately that not only carries on The Obnoxiously Loud Conversation, but also has their phone on speaker so we can hear the OTHER side of the conversation TOO!!! Lucky us. Seriously? No wait, I mean SERIOUSLY?

So there you go guys. See how I look out for you like that?? Keep you from projecting yourself as the future crazy neighborhood cat lady? See, I care.

Recent conversation between me and my mother

2009-10-03T10:11:00.001-07:00

Me: Ugh. I hate cramps!! I wish if you didn't use your uterus it would just dry up and go away!

Mom: Me too. I think God made a big mistake.

Me: I'M not saying he made a big mistake. I'd probably grow a third ovary. That would be crap.

The dangers of taking photographs professionally...

2009-09-04T13:41:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went out on a shoot. I had my trusty assistant (not real sure on the trusty part, but we'll roll with it) and my semi-willing model. The sun was popping out after a less then stellar looking overcast day. I was ready to rock.

One thing that is fun but challenging for the natural light portrait photographer is scouting out new and fun locations that not everyone's sister-in-law, visiting teacher, old roommate, dog groomer etc is already using. Its pretty tough nowadays to try and grab a little uniqueness for yourself when everyone seems to have gone into photography lately. We're all looking for the same things. So its nice if you can find a little-used location or put a unique twist on a used one.

Yesterday we went out to try a new one for us.

We got permission from the property owner (always a good idea) and started to trek, with all our gear (and baby Cam who came along for the fun) to a lovely field of huge sunflowers. I took the lead. As usual I was in flip flops and as is normal I was cursing myself a "Geniuspants" for not wearing footwear perhaps more suited to the job at hand. Luckily my mostly-trusty assistant was wearing toeless shoes with a heal so I wasn't the biggest goober in the dork parade.

As we waded through some head high corn I got to a place that was a little muddy and I shouted behind me to my lovely model (my niece Alexis) that her mom was not going to like the next section of trail ahead. Timed to absolute perfection, as I uttered the last word, my food went calf deep into a miniature swamp. I uttered a swear word or two and Alexis giggled behind me. As I struggled to pull my foot out of the hole my other foot started to sink and so I flailed and staggered a bit and yanked my foot out of the quick sand---sans flip flop. This is where I then hopped awkwardly looking for a place to put down my bare foot that didn't include thistles. I ended up handing all my gear to Alex as I had to crouch over the "mud hole to China" and stick my arm in to the elbow in order to retrieve my shoe. It wouldn't budge. I finally had to balance myself and yank with all my might. My flip flop emerged covered in dripping mud and accompanied by the sound of a rumbling wet fart. It was... fantastic.

Trekked BACK to cars to get wet wipes and water to TRY and clean my swamp thing arm and then started out again. When we finally got there it was not at all like what I imagined and for awhile there I was disappointed that everything we'd planned was going to come to naught AND I got wet and muddy for no reason at all. Luckily we tried some different stuff and still ended up leaving with some good shots and at the very least an entertaining story.

Besides... if you looked at the picture, I wasn't the only one with a less then dazzling moment. Thanks for making me feel better Alexis!

Favorite thing of the week is...

2009-08-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Seems like the only thing on TV anymore is ridiculous reality shows filled with fame whores that are just pimping out their lives for the sake of their five minutes or the 18th version of CSI (which I love to dis on--moody dark labs, street clothes and that strangely the officers do not only do the crime scene investigating, but all the lab work, all the detective work AND go out and arrest the perps too. Talk about multi-taskers!! Blah).

Then I caught Glee when they ran the pilot this last spring on Fox. It was original, it was fun, and it was a little irreverent. It was like high school musical meets Mean Girls or something. The characters are great and you immediately like them. They mixed in classic and contemporary songs and the actors are really doing the singing. They have a great version or Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" that you can hear on Itunes OR you can check the pilot out on the Fox website or at Hulu . I'd highly recommend it if you love music, or rooting for the underdog, or are sick of shows about rich snotty trust fund baby types. If your interest is peaked but you're not sold, check out this little trailer:

If by chance you have seen the pilot, or if you enjoyed the trailer, you can watch this clip from one of the shows this fall where the Glee kids have a interesting dance routine to go with their questionable song choice at a school assembly to the horror of some of the faculty and students. It doesn't take itself too seriously. Please make special note of the fanny pack. I bout died.

Anyone who watches the pilot gets a gold star!! Let me know what you thought. The new season starts September 9th.

PS... for those Ipod types they have two free clips on Itunes now. One of the talented Rachel Lea singing "On My Own" from Les Mis and the other is the cast doing a rendition of Kanye West's "Gold Digger". Too fun.

Just looking out for the fatties out there

2009-08-27T13:20:00.001-07:00

So guys, in my extensive time on this planet I have accumulated a vast array of knowledge about certain things, and more importantly, life in general. In a recent conversation with a friend I realized that I had yet to impart a very important life lesson to the readers of my blog (I know I have them, the site meter says so. They just NEVER comment because they know my self worth is not measured by such petty little things... where's my Paxil?). SO.. I have decided to go ahead and tell you about what I like to call, "The Python Effect".

This particular lesson has to do with buying clothes. Never ever ever buy pants to big for you. The reason I say this is easily illustrated by our reptile friend the Python. Pythons are large snakes that kill prey by constriction. Many people keep them as pets. An interesting thing to note is that the Python will in general only grow large enough for its enclosure. The bigger the enclosure the bigger the snake will in general grow.

The Python Effect lies in this. Not only will a snake grow to fit its enclosure, but so will a butt. That's it. Simple really. If your pants are loose your butt will instinctively grow to fit them. Do not wear clothes too big for you! Don't ask me how I know such things. It should be apparent.

Take this important lesson and apply it to your life. If I can help just one person avoid the pitfalls of sweat pants I will have done my job.

Hanging with the cool kids---if you like rocks n'stuff

2009-08-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

Back again by popular demand....

A couple weekends ago Randy and my sister (along with Baby Cam) went up and stayed in the time share in Park City to enjoy the Kimball Art's Festival

It was nice to get away even if it was only for a couple days.

We saw some of our favorites from last year back again:

We all covet the pieces from Anthony Hansen who makes fantastic metal hearts and other things from scrap from old cars. Really spectacular in person.

My sister found her favorite car painting again and I'm sure imagined a house she could put it in where it wouldn't take up the whole wall.

I had a scary Mom moment where I found myself really admiring some pots.

Randy hung out with Cameron and garnered looks of distrust from passersby. Apparently he doesn't look very responsible. Some woman actually asked him if he should have such a cute baby in his care. Bwa ha ha.

My sister found what she called "the best looking piece of art there" in a booth eating a creamy. We tried to get a picture of him but it was like he knew our secret motives and stared right at us almost the whole time. I began to be aware of a strange sense of... awkwardness. We ran away feeling horrified that we were so transparent. I think Lore blushed.

Randy just though we were morons.

We went back to looking at the non-embarrassing type art.

Cam lived up to his moniker "Spitty Cent". He was just chillin', hanging out and rolling on sixes.

Began to realize that we don't fit in with the Park City crowd. Have deemed that there are six things necessary to come off looking like a local. The following in no specific order:

A Dog. Must walk dog everywhere. If there is social gathering must bring dog. If going hiking must bring dog. If going grocery shopping must bring dog. Leave dog in car.

The Car. Must own a Suburu Outback or at the very least a Forrester. All wheel drive is where its at. Lots of room for dog. (We counted 34 Suburu Outbacks from Kimball Junction to the time share. Granted busy weekend... but seriously?)

Indian Jewelry: Apparently we didn't get the memo that southwest jewelry never goes out of style with the granola crowd, despite the fact that you can't give it away anywhere else.

The Fanny Pack: Being hands free is very important while your walking your dog or skinning a yeti.

Must find yeti coats attractive. Self explanatory. Sometimes when going out on the town polar fleece is just not appropriate.

Hopefully these tips can help you feel more at home on your next visit to lovely Park City. No no, don't thank me. Its my pleasure.

Favorite thing of the week--or ever really

2009-08-21T18:35:00.001-07:00

I know. I'm a week late. I suck its true. BUT... I've learned to not be too hard on myself. Besides I did blog in between so I don't feel as guilty for not completing the goal I set for myself right out of the gate. Yes I know, such a tragedy. Disgraceful really. Now that I have properly and publicly berated myself, let us move forward.

This guy right here is my favorite thing of the week. Well of last week really. OK, always. But last week he was really as patient as can be asked of anyone. On my shoot last week he put up with the, "No... nevermind. Over here is better" and the "You need to be over here to catch that light" and the "Oh crap, my card is full and the other one is in the car". Lore couldn't make it that night and Randy did his best to be not only my assistant but my creative consultant. My favorite thing is that he never once got huffy when I said something he suggested wouldn't work out and he dragged Fez in and out of the car, over walls, through sand and rocks. AND he was a joy the entire time. So a special thanks to my guy. Handy AND nice to look at. What more could a girl ask for?

Thanks Baby!

Happy Birthday Kim!

2009-08-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

I just thought I would post a couple pictures from Kim's 40th shindig this weekend. Girl knows how to throw a party yo. The theme was "Fairytopia" and it was a blast seeing many a grown woman dancing around dressed as a fairy. Thank heaven for people who don't think growing older means always getting OLD. Randy and I had a fabulous time. Thank you for inviting us Kim and Pete!

PHE-EW!

2009-08-09T17:17:00.001-07:00

So today while driving to the grocery store I saw an orthodontic clinic called "The Smile Ranch".

Hear that Boyd? Good news. The "Tooth Barn" is still available!

Phew, dodged THAT bullet.

Favorite Thing of the Week

2009-08-07T14:26:00.001-07:00

I have decided that maybe in order to get myself back on the good old blog wagon that I should give myself a goal of at least one post a week. Since this sounds easy but is actually HARD when you don't just want to post boring drivel that no one else enjoys reading (which may still be the case, but hey--at least I TRY) I have given myself a topic:

Favorite thing of the week. It might refer to a song, maybe a household item, perhaps a news story, just something that made ME smile that week for whatever reason. So without further ado... THIS is my favorite thing of the week.

Dryers Limited Edition Hot Cocoa Ice Cream. Super good. Its like Rocky Road, but without the yucky nuts. The marshmellows are like the real thing and they are quite abundant. I have PMS, so basically it was a given that my fav thing would be chocolate and or dessert this week. Probably a little lack luster for the first one ever but hey, when everything else is pissing you off you you gotta be down with what makes you happy.

An emotional plea...

2009-08-06T07:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Ornery Old Man in the Fast Lane,

Why? Why do you insist on driving 69 miles per hour in the fast lane and refuse to move back into the middle lane when you aren't going fast enough to pass traffic? Why? Do you feel it is your own personal duty to keep others under the posted speed limit? Do you feel perhaps that the passing lane system is flawed and thus seek to destroy it single handedly? Do you perchance enjoy the power to make other motorists furious, or late, or poop their pants? Does the sight of an empty highway stretching on for miles in front of you as you block the flow of traffic by keeping neck and neck with an panel delivery truck bring you back to your glory days? And why if you will not let others use the lane for its intended purpose do you speed up as others try to pass you on the right? And WHY in the name of all that is HOLY do you not move to the carpool lane since you're with your crotchety old lady ANYWAY???? There you can do all that you are doing and I will not only support it, I will applaud your actions (my next letter is Dear Guy In The Carpool Lane That Moves Into The Fast Lane To Let Others Pass--for some strange unfortold reason). So why old man? Why?

Sir, I implore you. Please, please, PLEASE remove that big old chip of "That Doesn't Apply to Me" from your backside and move into the middle lane where you belong unless you actually need to pass and become a respectable member of society.

Sincerely,

Tracy

Summer recap or otherwise titled: What I Have Been Doing While My Blog Grows Mold

2009-08-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

I’m very busy and important.

Didn’t you know?

While I have been quite busy with work and Shameless Photography, I have also been lazy and procrastinating too. There is just too much fun stuff going on in the summer. So when you consider all of those things you can possibly see why the ole blog is looking a bit dusty. Don’t worry… because of my lack of posts I will now do a very long and ridiculous post that will make your eyes burn from the strain. It will be that long and filled with that many visual goodies! You may have to take intermission half way through as to not suffer permanent damage. Don’t worry, I will let you know when is a good time to do this. I’m caring and understanding that way. Take a deep breath and away we go.

In June I had the lovely wedding of Miranda and Colby. The whole thing went beautifully and it was the type of setting that makes any photographers index finger twitch. So a special thanks to them for letting me be a part of their big day. My sister even got past the “nervous pooping” and came off looking like she does Thanksgiving Point weddings all the time. Ain’t no thing.

After the wedding I decided to just make my job easier and take the plunge. Yes the picture to the side is me making out with my new Canon 5D Mark II. Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand. I NEED it. You know, if I actually stopped spending all my profit on more equipment I might actually be able to have extra money for stuff. Hmmm… nope that’s not gonna happen. I want way too much stuff!!

In the meantime, me and my 5D are having a torrid affair. Can I just tell you how much I love being able to take everyday snapshots indoors with no flash (ISO 6400 with a f2.8 lens. Woot! it’s a dream. See below.) Everyday is a honeymoon. And for those who are wondering, no it doesn’t kill me to carry this rig around. I barely notice. I already have built in arm muscles from the day job which is lucky or Lore’s illustrious title would grow to become Group Organizer/2nd Wedding Photographer/Camera holder/Lighting Girl Extraordinaire. Try saying that fast. Plus she thinks she already deserves 30% of my profit. Imagine what she’d want if I started her having her hold my camera too. Apparently I better start to charge more.

Ugh… assistants. Can’t live with ‘em. Can’t hold a reflector and shoot at the same time. (Sissy!! You know I love you!)

Lore’s birthday/family barbecue followed right on the heels of the wedding. As was my sissy’s request I made a HUGE mess of ribs; somewhere in the neighborhood of ten racks. Please note: if you ever decide to make a huge mess of ribs, either have two ovens or have a nice friend/neighbor who will let you mess up hers (Sorry Mel). This is mandatory. Also invite ever-skinny cousin-in-law who will eat two racks by himself. Genetic freak.

Anyway… As I just mentioned my lovely cousin and family were able to come down. Sarah and Boyd don’t hang out with the rest of us nearly enough and it was fun having
them and their kiddies there. We
had tons of good food. Everyone brought something yummy and we all left the table feeling like we’d put on ten pounds---except for Boyd I mean. My cousins got the pleasure of meeting Randy for the first time. Lucky lucky them. After the food, the rest of the kids took their cue from Kyle and all got together and attacked him. I enjoyed that part quite a bit.

When things cleared out a little bit we had a late fight night and Kyle showed us some of his moves to the enjoyment of all. Future cage fighter yo. Well, either that or Jedi Knight, but I’m not really sure if there’s a market for that nowadays or how much it pays, so maybe classes on jujitsu are a better idea then on using “the force“. I’m just saying.

Also in June, Pleasant Grove held their annual Strawberry Days Festival. Lore Randy and I took Courtney, Brittany and Kyle to their very first carnival. Yes I know, I know! Lore IS a mean mom. The kids had a blast. Courtney thought the Ferris Wheel was the coolest thing ever. She pretty much wanted to go again as soon her feet were planted back on solid ground. Brittany apparently did not. You would have thought it was some sort of unique torture designed specifically for dramatic little girls. Good times.

Kyle on the other hand was absolutely fearless. He wanted to go on anything that little short kid types were allowed on and he didn’t care if anyone went with him or not. Frankly I think the only reason Kyle even wanted any of us around was for more tickets.

Courtney always looks forward to Strawberry Days because they sell her favorite summer treat: strawberries and cream. We took a break in between some rides and all got some. She was like a homeless dog with a milk bone. She retreated to her own space and scarfed down her treat in silence only allowing time to breath in between bites if especially necessary. No she did not lick the cup. She DID however stick her fingers in and wipe the sides.

In the meantime, while eating their goodies, Kyle and Randy had a very stimulating and intellectual conversation. I believe Randy may have been asking him if he was having fun or the like and I think perhaps Kyle responded by saying something like, “Give me all your money punk, I need more tickets”.

I could be wrong on that last part. Its been awhile.

Baby Cameron AKA Barf Vader/Spitty Cent basically hung out, looked cute and puked on hisself. But that’s a normal weeknight for him.

We stayed until the carnival was closing up and hopefully till Kyle was a little wore out. It seems that carnivals are tiring for the older set as well. No they aren’t dead. That’s what Brittany asked also as we stood there trying not to giggle. However, she answered her own question when she noted with a slightly disturbed expression, “I saw the one with its mouth open close it. But then it opened it again”. And yes, she did use the term “it” as if the couple were strange life forms crashed on our planet in their minivan-esque ship.

I apologize to anyone who might happen to know these folks. I’m not trying to make fun of anyone, but they really were the whip cream on the sundae of my evening. I couldn’t help it. I guess we should all just be happy that their people rolled down the windows before they left them alone in the car. Bwa ha ha.

Okay. Enough of me being mean. Moving ON. (Also… this would be a good time for intermission in case you were wondering.)

On the Fourth of July, Randy and I found ourselves once again hanging with my sister. She didn’t have the younger girls on this holiday and Alexis already had plans so we decided against the usual barbecue and set off on a slightly different holiday strategy. Randy must have been feeling especially obliging on this day. Maybe it was the sunny weather. Maybe. But whatever the case he agreed to go along and get a pedicure with the rest of us. Since he seemed to be in such an agreeable mood I told the lady he wanted his toes painted black. He just shrugged and said sure. And he was watching the cooking channel. And he had the remote. AND he was sober.

Strange day.

My sister for her part spent her time intently watching the other big screen TV. This is because if she let her eyes wander they would be inescapably pulled toward the lady whose feet went through not just one, but two blades to remove what Randy refers to as her “moccasins” which would consistently cause her to gag. She began to send us picture messages of the pile of dead skin in front of her. I didn’t know whether to shudder or giggle. I did both.

After this fun filled activity we met up with Amber and went out for sushi. Yes I know, Diana already told me that it was completely un-American and that we should be ashamed, but we love it. Tepenyaki was great as usual. After that we did redeem ourselves a little by watching the Pleasant Grove city fireworks. I think they lasted approximately 8 minutes. Eh. We were slightly disappointed. BUT at least we weren’t disappointed AND pissed cause we had sat through the Jonas Brothers to see it.

The very next day I had shoot for a huge family get together. In all honesty, shooting big groups is my idea of special portrait photographer hell. However, the family was a total hoot and made the job a lot of fun. So a special thanks to Michelle for letting Lore and I be a part of their Mom’s party.

In between all of this, my insufferable never-ending sinus infection decided to get even worse if possible, I had a toothache unfortunately not directly related to said infection and I also decided to have a kidney stone. THAT was a fun week.

I have also noticed a disturbing trend called “When I Edit I Must Have Candy”. Considering the amount of editing I do on occasion, this is a very bad thing indeed. The flow of sugar must not be interrupted as it is imperative for the creative processes. Yeah I said it. Yeah its an excuse. Get off me.

A couple of weeks ago we had a fantastic BBQ at my sisters house with our friends Sam and Di. We had all manner of good things including tenderloin kabobs, Indonesian chicken satay, peanut sauce, and steamed rice. Randy convinced us that we needed to order the UFC 100 fights we had missed the weekend prior and I am so glad we did. Watching Dan Henderson knock out Bisping was one of the highlights of July. Fight fans, you know what I’m talking about. Awesome.

Pioneer Day my buddy Foodie and I decided to go see the new Harry Potter flick and made a pact to go to a restaurant we had never been to before for lunch. Somehow, mainly due to a lack of time, we found ourselves at a joint called Red Rooster Waffle Company. Now I don’t want to come out and hate on the place cause the proprietor seemed like a very nice fellow but well… it was crap. If you like orange butter that doesn’t melt on a waffle served with mystery chicken pieces in a strange tasting batter, or a waffle with Readi Whip and Hershies chocolate sauce on it passed off as a seven dollar dessert then stay home---you can make this stuff cheaper on your own. However, if this culinary delight does sound like something you want to try, well then I urge you to get out there and do it. And hurry--I don’t think it will be around long.

That weekend I had engagements with lovely couple Justin and Erin. They were hilarious and kept Lore and I laughing the whole time. Great sports. As a bonus, we had been waiting for ages for a shoot with a subject that would be right for the location for quite awhile and were pretty stoked to finally use it. Very cool place. More pictures of them will be on the website this week. Take a minute to check them out if you get the chance.

Lastly I went on a hot date with Di. She took me to a movie and I bought her some dessert. She put on make-up and did her hair. I was feeling pretty lucky. It was the second time I had seen Disney Pixar’s UP. I STILL cried twice. “Why do I not have the surprised feeling?“. I couldn’t even blame it on hormonal imbalance this time. I just love Doug, Alpha and the other dogs. Hysterical. Other then Monsters inc, its definitely my---SQUIRREL!!

The state bird better get its shiz together if ya know what I mean

2009-07-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

Recently I noticed a disturbing trend. I know I'm not the only one as others have also voiced concern. Maybe you too have see the unholy amount of flying grasshoppers in the last week.

I first had my run in with the--in my humble opinion--perfect scenario for a horror film a couple days ago. As coming around the corner to the parking lot after just having left work a flying grasshopper hit me in the chest. It was disgusting and I did the freak out-flap awkwardly-squall like a singed cat-thing. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't sure what had hit me at first but I knew it was insectile, of questionable size and that it had touched the bare skin directly above my collarline. Yep that was enough to set me off. I noticed five or six flying "things" while I continued to get into my car. When one finally landed in my sight and I realized what it was I felt utter revulsion. Why were all these grasshoppers just hanging in a parking lot? I'd never seen anything like it.

Which means... there's dark forces at work here.

After I got home Randy and I went to the movies in American Fork. Upon getting out of the Murano and walking to the entrance I was accosted with a spectacle of dozens of locusts flying all over the sidewalk. I basically had a melt down. I lunged out of the way of several offenders and the started to run; quite a feat considering I have total PMS and my boobs have swollen another cup size, are massive, heavy and HURT. The aforementioned extra top-weight caused me to sort of totter strangely in a back and forth motion while attempting to run , much like a circus bear walking on its hind legs. It was shocking. Quite shocking.

I entered the theaters screeching something about how SO FREAKING GROSS it was and with my hair standing on end.

Growing up as a tomboy I played with these things daily. I caught grasshoppers and drowned them. I pulled off their legs. I wasn't scared of them in the least.

Perhaps its payback. Perhaps. My feelings about grasshoppers changed completely the last year of Junior High where we had to make an insect collection for Biology.

Bug collection? Please, that's an easy A. My friend Lucky and I took to the field behind our houses in search of thirty insects needed for our assignments as we did as kids, this time however, armed with bottles of rubbing alcohol. While catching bugs in the field a grasshopper landed in my hair (as if that isn't horrific enough---read on) and I dropped my bottle without it being totally sealed and lost a good deal of the alcohol but it still seemed to be doing the trick. Directly after this I caught a huge green flying grasshopper that I will from this time forth refer to as 'Satan in Bug Form'. Satan was about 2.5-3 inches long, bright grass green, with startlingly yellow eyes. I shoved him in the bottle not knowing if the tiny amount of alcohol I had in the jar would knock out this gargantuan or not so I shook it about and several minutes later even Satan was added to the number of collection specimens.

That evening after rounding up almost all the insects I needed in one foul swoop I started taking them out of the jar and laying them on newspaper to dry out as the alcohol will indeed eat them if left in it for an extended amount of time and I needed to mount them on foam core still. I then went to bed.

In the morning I went down stairs in my night gown to find that my dad had turned on a fan and it had blown my dead bugs around the table. I began my disgusting quest of picking them all up and organizing them on the foam. I wanted to put them on largest to smallest, however when I got to the spot reserved for the largest I found Satan not in the place I left him to dry and began to look under the table where the newspaper had been. I started to carefully scan the horrible seventies printed carpet in the basement. I got down on my hands and knees and looked back and forth. Two feet in under the table, directly in front of me was all three green inches of Satan in Bug Form.

Staring at me.

And getting ready at any second to leap directly at my FACE.

I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was about ten in the morning on a Sunday. My mom was upstairs on the phone in the kitchen. I screamed bloody murder and in a moment of fight or flight response I flew up the basement stairs hollering over and over again "Its alive!! Its ALIVE!!!!" I remember the look on my Mom's face as I tore through the kitchen. I didn't stop till I got to my bedroom and dived into my covers only to lay there and shutter in revulsion. I had bug dreams for MONTHS.

Since then I cannot look at a grasshopper without goose bumps and complete loathing. So... if this little fad of locusts becomes a full on infestation you can just forget about it. I'm at home. In bed. Hiding.

For you Diana...

2009-06-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Congratulations are in Order

2009-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my BFF Diana and her great guy Sam. I wish you all the happiness in the world!! Thank you for the opportunity to be the one to catch these once in a lifetime memories. I'm honored. You guys enjoy that honeymoon!!

Key piece of crime fighting equipment....

2009-05-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yep... there it is boys and girls, the Canon EF 70-200mm f/2.8L IS USM Lens. Its lovely isn't it? I have a tremendous crush on it. I've moved on from Fez already. I know better when I see it. Too bad this baby didn't cost as much as Fez tho.... because REALLY. After I purchased it I wasn't sure if I wanted to go home and cry in a fetal position or do cart-wheels.

The pretentious snot in me really wanted to upgrade my camera body first. I wanted a lovely new camera with all its new buttons and all its unnecessary mega-pixels. After I thought long and hard about it I came to the realization that although my camera isn't top of the line, it takes great images. New bodies come and go every single year but lenses remain basically the same. Not only that but the camera I wanted basically takes such wonderful high resolution photographs that it ends up showing any flaws that an inferior lens might have. Seeing as how my lenses are all more low end I decided it was smarter to invest in "glass" for now. L series lens here I come.

Besides all that, I know for certain that you can have the biggest, newest, monster of a camera body and it won't matter if you don't understand aperture, shutter speed, your camera's features and most importantly have "an eye". I've seen my fair share of people with lots of funds at their disposal that think the more expensive camera you have the better pictures you can take.

Sorry... not so much.

I tried my lens out tonight. I didn't know what I was missing!! I've never owned a L series lens. I just couldn't justify the expense till now. Its like going from a Honda Civic to a Mercedes Benz. It focuses like a dream in the blink of an eye. And its virtually silent. It's a beautiful, bright, fast piece of glass. I stopped crying and would have tried to do cart-wheels if I had it insured already.

AND if the thing didn't weigh as much as a human head.

Riddled with tumors.

So... to all those people that may scoff at my several year old camera with the SWEET lens on it, which is HUGE and HEAVY and doesn't match in the least: Well... yeah I know. I do look like the nerdy kid in high school who's dad bought him a sports car. My equipment DOESN'T match, but my pictures gonna be the BOMB!

Mom... Happy Mother's Day. This one is for you.

2009-05-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

And yes... she knows why. Love you Mom!!

Yes, yes... the photography blog cometh.

2009-05-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

In the mean time this is what you get. My list is pretty big right now of things I have to do. Here's a breakdown:

Get a Business License
Register with the Utah Chamber of Commerce
Buy a key piece of crime fighting equipment (more to come)
Set up photo blog (for any of you that have one, any tips or hints are appreciated.)
Buy a domain name and set it up so my blog uses that as it's URL
Take more pictures
Edit Edit Edit

Have already:

Found out how to set up my business and as what (Thank you Kim!).
Looked into things for tax purposes (Thank you Lore!! And yippee! That key piece of crime fighting equipment will just count as a loss against my earnings)
As of right now am finding out how to insure said equipment.
Taken pics at a couple of locations on my list for the blog.

I feel like I need more recent work before I get around to unleashing the photo blog for prospective clientele. I have a VERY busy schedule in the next month. Hopefully I will have lots of additions and can get the blog up as soon as possible. In the meantime, take a look at some impromptu shots of Mel and Brent's cute girls. Let me know what you think!

Sage and Aspen were by far the easiest little kids I have ever shot. They make Kyle look like devil child. Oh yeah... he is. CUTE tho.

Aspen is pretty shy, but she is so photogenic it didn't matter!!

Sage is a ham!! This girl would get into a position and hold dead still. Matter of fact she's still there. Smiling just like this.

Fit in a couple of my adorable happy nephew, Baby Cameron, or as I like to call him: Senor Spitty AKA Spitty Cent

Special thank you for Mel and Brent for letting me take pictures of their two cuties!!
(PS... Brent please don't sue me.)

Everyone... I'd like you to meet Fez.

2009-05-05T18:57:00.001-07:00

Yep. This is Fez.

Why you ask? Why am I introducing you to an obnoxiously hued 70's barrel chair??? Because I am sorta in to love with him and together we're going to make dozens and dozens of adorable,well behaved, ravishing pictures.

I have been looking for a few unique pieces to use in my work. That obnoxious marigold color will work fantastic in my outdoor shots. I cannot wait to try Fez out and have made arrangements for a location and models this Friday. I'm pretty sure Fez is excited too. We're planning on giving Fez a little bit of a make-over. Perhaps get him out of that dated skirt so he can show off the sexy legs he's got.

In the meantime Fez is in pretty great shape. He needs a little cleaning here and there and he does have one little hard to see hole but other then that the cushion and the fabric look great. I picked him up at the local Deseret Industries. He was eyeing me... I flirted back. It was pretty much meant to be.

(Funny side story.... that D.I. What a bunch of swindlers. I bought Fez for fifteen dollars only to get home and see the tag taped on him said ten. Why I oughtta....)

Now I know what you are all thinking.... where did Fez get his name?? And you're thinking right. Randy and I both agreed he looked like he stepped out of Eric Forman's garage on That 70's Show.

Besides... he has a lisp.

AND and accent.

Just a sneak peak...

2009-05-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

This is just a pic I got this weekend on an impromptu shoot. ADORABLE huh? More to come....

The popsicle calls my name

2009-04-29T10:11:00.001-07:00

Bring on the unbearable heat in our sweltering apartment whose windows face due west in which our swamp cooler only pretends to work.

Let rip the higher gas prices.

Tally forth the mosquito bites and all the unbearable itching that comes with them.

Give me the rodeo P.A. system that we can hear clearly from our house which includes the ever witty banter of the rodeo clown in all of its twangy red neck glory.

Let me have the ever growing weeds that spring up overnight in our flowerbeds.

Unleash your multitude of summer vacationing, sweaty, screaming children into places I shop.

Let loose the sun burns, the bugs, and the infernal farmers tans.

Give me golf widowdom, give me flat hair, give me the freakishly loud rooster crowing outside my window at six in the morning. Give me all these things.

Because quite frankly... all of this is better then anything winter.

Let summer begin!!

Little things make me happy

2009-04-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

Just finished editing my photos. Did it in a little over a week and it took hours and hours of time. Randy is right, I do only make seven dollars an hour. Bwa ha ha. Fortunately for me its something I really quite enjoy doing. I just wanted to show a couple more from my last shoot:

In my next life I wanna come back looking like this girl!! Thanks to Miranda and Colby for being such good sports.

Lastly... I'm up and making my own CD covers as of tonight. A little thing but one that makes me pretty excited. I'm a dork like that. Isn't it perty???

Turns out I'm a pretty busy girl

2009-04-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

This last month has kept me on my toes, and unfortunately a bit stressed, which if you know me, is very uncharacteristic.

I was told by Randy that a certain friend was whining about there not being any interesting blog fodder to read on the Internet of late. Yes I know I have been neglecting my blog writing duties but I've been quite busy, and I mean that in the real way--not in the way you tell someone you didn't call back because they talk incessantly about their kids or their husband or their life. UGH. Please.

No... I really have been crazed. I mean come on. I still have the last two weeks of Idol Tivo'd.

Here's a list of what I've been up to:

Working at my job 40 hours a week.

Finally got my hair done after 8 months. No longer look greasy for no reason. Definite improvement. Thanks Heidi!!

Decided to get sick cause I like to talk like the adolescent janitor in Monsters Inc: honking as if I'm going through puberty. At social events.

Randy and I finally got the flower beds all cleared out so they no longer look like a pioneer child should stumble out of them.

Shot lovely engagements for Di and Sam (If I do say so myself).

Co-hosted a bridal shower with my wonderful oven-challenged sister that I think went terribly well despite the apparent lack of any mind-numbing shower games

Scanning numerous photos for a video played at said shower.

Went with my buddy Suzi and her brother to Red Rock Brewery for dinner and then to a concert at Salt Air. We saw Hey Monday, Cobra Starship, Metro Station, and All Time Low open up for Fall Out Boy. Fun side note: Suzi upon being told that one of the singers of Metro Station was Hannah Montana's brother decided that she could no longer like them on principal and spent the rest of their set shaking her head and mumbling.

Did my taxes. Yes. One day before they were due. Because a little panic makes life more interesting.

With a good word from Kim (thanks!!), and Di and Sam's great photos I booked another engagement job. Shot the gorgeous couple last weekend. Between the two shoots my spare time has been spent editing. Every time Randy walks into the computer room and I'm on the Internet and NOT editing, I get the whole "I'm disappointed in you" look. ::sigh:: Good bye Itunes... hello Photoshop.

Did manage to squeeze in a game of golf on one of those nice days and shot my best 18 hole score ever. Bonus.

So there you have it. That's whats been keeping me from posting intriguing and provocative blog rants of late. Next up I have weddings and bridals so I'm afraid to say it, but updates are probably going to be a little slow coming. I'll do my best. Don't forget to check in... you never know when I'll have a moment to throw in some more "wardrobe malfunctions" and such.

Because I find correctly fitting undergarments unneccessary

2009-04-23T14:07:00.001-07:00

A testament of how much I am NOT a morning person:

This afternoon while using the restroom at work I found that I had put my underwear on backwards.

Awesome right?

However, what truley startled me is that my frame of mind must be so befuddled throughout the day that I never came to the realization that there was a problem despite feeling as if my britches were a bit uncomfortable and also fumbling with the tag (which was sticking up awkwardly in FRONT) the previous TWO times I had taken a potty break.

Wow.

Honor roll student right here guys. I hope these "Mom" moments don't increase in frequency.

And now, as a testament to how lazy I am:

I figured, well hell, its been seven hours already. Why change them now?

To all my friends who KNOW.

2009-04-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

This is for all my peeps (yes I used peeps, and not in a way which would seem like I find it's usage cool) who can relate. The people who deal with the public on a day to day basis and especially those who have toiled in the fiery pit of retail. This goes out to all of you:

An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

Wireless Phone Retail Store | Nashville, TN, USA

(Back story: I sold a woman four phones on a family plan for her and her 3 teenage daughters. She insisted that she be put on the 500 minute plan (the smallest family plan). I informed her that most teenagers can use 500 minutes in a week and begged her to take a larger plan.

She refused and became quite angry and belligerent with me for suggesting “that her daughters were not responsible adults.” I noted on her account that she was advised of all overage charges and that there were to be no refunds on the account for overage charges. One month later she returns purple faced and on the verge of a stroke with her $3,200 phone bill.)

Customer: “I need these charges taken off.”

Me: “No, I explained the overage scale to you when you activated your phone, and begged you to take a larger plan. You insisted this was the one you needed and I cannot refund any of the charges.”

Customer: “F**k you then, and f**k [cellular provider]. Cancel my account!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to deactivate your phones but unfortunately that does not release you from your contract. There will be a $240.00 charge for each phone on the account for breaking your contract and you will still be responsible for the current charges.”

(The customer suddenly throws her phone at my head. I duck and it smashes into the wall in a million pieces.)

Customer: “F**K [cell phone provider]! F**K YOU, AND F**K ALL OF YOU A**HOLES TOO!”

(Inexplicably, the last part was directed at the other customers waiting patiently for her to finish. She then proceeds to storm out to her car, a brand new Lexus SC 430. She redlines the engine, drops it into gear and hits a lamp post hard enough to shatter every piece of glass in the car as well as almost tearing the front half of the car off.)

Customer: *comes back in the store* “Can I use your phone?”

Another Customer: “Karma’s a b**ch, ain’t it?”

I read this gem and many many others like it on Not Always Right which I discovered through Voice of Reason (link on right) who also posted one of her favorites which was, luckily enough, from Utah. Watch out if you plan to visit Not Always Right as the sheer number of horrific, absurd, and mind numbing customer/associate interaction can prove to be VERY amusing and also a tiny personal time machine as when you next look at the clock four hours will have passed.

Better take a snack.

And then I peed my pants.

2009-04-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not have noticed (most likely not) on the very bottom in the deep dark crevice of my blog's butt crack is a cruise ticker.

In January we are going to go on a Western Caribbean Carnival cruise. The cruise only has two "sea days" and an extra stop, which pretty much made my toes curl in happiness, because really, no matter the amount of chocolate melting cake or shrimp cocktail the best part of the cruise are the excursions. The cruise disembarks from Miami, which we have a day to play in and from there we go to the Grand Cayman Islands, Isla Rataan (my sister's words: is that where rattan furniture comes from?) Belize and then to Cozumel (And NO.)

Upon looking at the excursions on each stop I saw a smattering of the usual things: beach day, snorkeling, ATV rides, town tours. But then when I got to Cozumel and I saw something that really got me excited. NINE MONTHS IN ADVANCE. That's saying a lot.

Pretty Sensational don't you think? These are the Mayan Ruins of Tulum. Thrilling. They make my chest get all tight and my head all buzzy with happy thoughts.

Am. So. Excited.

Also another sensational bonus to this cruise is that along with some good friends and my personal sunny day otherwise known as Randy, my Sister is coming!! And if possible, I think she is just as excited as me.

Oh yes, and as a side note: I picked the last picture because if you can click on it you can see a number of large men in the tiniest of swim suits. This for some reason amuses me. Because that's how I roll.

And Max said... No?

2009-03-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago my sister blogged about being excited about two things, a movie adaption of a childhood TV show about a haystack or something, AKA Land of the Lost and also the remake of a Disney movie from when she was a kid: Escape to Witch Mountain.

As I said in her comments, I really had no idea what she was talking about cause she was TOO OLD. Now it is my turn to be excited about an adaption of something that was popular when I was a kid: Where the Wild Things Are. I'm sure lots of people my age understood the post title. What I'm both anxious AND excited about is how the movie looks just like the book illustrations. Its a trip to see something from your childhood come to life in such a vibrant real way.

Now who knows? Maybe my niece Alexis will post in my comments saying that she has no idea what this strangeness is all about cause I am an OLD HAG.

You'll get yours, missy. ::Evil Cackle::

Sometimes my life really does serve as a warning to others...

2009-03-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

So, some may call this a spoiler. I call it being NICE.

Friday of last week I saw The Watchmen.

It was, hands down, The Worst Film EVER. Now that this major milestone in my life has been met I can move forward with a degree of confidence that every movie I see forthwith will at least be better then that. Saying that it was the worst movie ever takes some doing, because it took pretty much an act of God to dislodge Howard the Duck out of that spot. Lets give The Man a hand for having fooled me all this time.

Now before I get carried away, I'll tell you this: I love me a good super-hero/comic book type flick. Who doesn't? Also I quite enjoyed the last graphic novel-turned film by the same director which was 300 and a fantastic good time. I wrongly used these things as a basis as to why I should enjoy the watchmen. Silly silly me.

First off, the movie and its whole storyline is so convoluted and messy. The film drags on for nearly three hours and every SECOND is crammed with so much that you neither like nor care for any of the characters. The costumes look not unlike things I've seen 13 year olds wearing on Halloween. I should have known it wasn't going to get any better when the coolest guy in the entire film looks like a dirty sock and talks with a Christian Bale "Batman" voice the whole time, the villain resembles and dresses like Siegfried sans Roy with Tiger-esque thing in tow, the heroine basically dons latex lingerie and her love interest looks like a dopey 80's Chevy Chase wannabe that even Clark Kent couldn't pretend to be intimidated by. It was basically a dream for the nerd set. They got to see a fairly graphic sex scene between two "super-heroes", some eye-roll inducing romantic moments and then a sudden swift change to completely gratuitous violence.

And last but not least by a long shot, we have "Dr. Manhattan" or as I like to call him: The Naked Nuclear Blue Dude. This character is the only one in the whole movie that has any true abilities (despite the fact that the rest of them manage to kick everyone else's butt with nothing going for them other then the fact they have a 70's porn star mustache and are wearing their mother's old bath robe or a head band). I don't know about you but the quickest way to make a superhero not cool is to make them invincible. What fun is that? Whats Superman without kryptonite? Whats Wolverine without the bad dreams and equally bad attitude? Whats Spiderman without girl troubles and self loathing???
Anyway... moving on to the real issue here. Doc likes to pretty much spend the film nude and the director pretty much likes to make the camera angle crotch level.

Never in my life had I seen blue penis. And now I've seen more then I ever wanted to.

Thank you Watchmen. Thank you.

Three reasons I'm not a landscape photographer...

2009-03-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I went down to Utah Lake with my sister in the aim of getting some pictures of the lake before it thawed and when it starts to pile sheets of ice along the sides. Its a really cool time of year and it doesn't last long. Unfortunately we pretty much missed it. There were some ice slabs but definitely not what i was hoping for, which is where we get to the first reason I am not a landscape photographer:

1. Landscape photographers have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn. They have to stay out late. They have to have precise timing. I procrastinate. Sometimes I miss things that won't be along for another year, cause that's how I roll. Yeah, what? Don't judge me.

2. Landscapes lack a certain creativity of shooting. Now before all those landscapers come out of the wood work and refute my statement and tell me I'm not one because actually I suck at it (which I won't deny) I just wanna say that the landscape is the star. There's only so many ways to shoot it; different years, different seasons, times of day, but in the end it will never be more interesting then a person. More beautiful maybe... but I guess that depends on the audience.

3. And lastly.. the landscape photographer, to be good, needs to spend a lot of time with--well, the landscape. I think I went over how I feel about the great outdoors at some detail here. And if that's not really enough to show you how I feel about it, this last picture is an illustration about how it feels about ME.

Yes I did manage to escape hypothermia in case you were wondering.

A painful yet rewarding experience

2009-02-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

If perchance you thought from the title that this was going to be a meaningful blog post instead my usual senseless babble, I must assure you that, as usual, you are wrong. Don't you know me at all?

Sometime ago I found myself on Amazon.com and happened to look at the gold chest deal for the day. They are specials they run for a limited time where they offer some really good prices. The item was a Braun 5270 Silk-épil X'elle Body System Epilator. Say What? I know right? That was my first response too. Please peruse the following:

Product Description

These days women are busier than ever! Since shaving is the last thing on your mind, Braun created the Silk-epil X'elle -- a 40-tweezer epilator that provides smooth skin for up to four weeks. Best of all, it is significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair-removal systems are known for. Proven Fast and Painless Hair Removal Epilation removes hair at root level resulting in smooth skin that lasts for weeks. The X'elle features Active Massage rollers that glide over the skin and gently stimulate it with micro pulsations before and after the hair is removed to reduce any pain or discomfort.

The perfect solution to all-over hair removal, it features a 40-tweezer system that takes away even the tiniest hair and a SmartLight that highlights every hair, so you can't miss those flat-lying strays. For days when you don't feel like epilating, it comes with an additional shaver head with OptiTrim attachment to trim hair and maintain irresistibly smooth skin.

OK. So there you have it. And I thought to myself, "what a fabulous and wonderful product!! And half off?? I MUST have it!!". And so it was.

In the past I have waxed. Hated it. I found it difficult and messy to do at home and no one really wants to PAY to have a complete stranger watch you writhe in agony. What really excited me about the Epil was that I didn't have to wait till the hair on my legs had reached Sasquatch proportions, as I would if waxing. The hairs need only be maybe three days worth of growth, not two weeks of feeling like cha-cha-cha-Chia. Awesome. Secondly, I only need do it several times right off the bat and then just an upkeep sweep of things every two weeks or so. No more shaving in the shower everyday and no more expensive razors. Faboo!!

When I first received the Epil in the mail Randy was in St George participating at a golf tourny. I thought this was a fabulous thing as then I would have no one laughing at me as I attempted something that was bound to be a little painful. I got myself a bottle of water, put on some pajama pants, got comfortable and read all of the instructions.

Then it BEGAN.

First off... let me say that in the description it says that it significantly reduces the discomfort that other hair removal systems are known for. If that is reduced, then all other hair removal systems are just creatively disguised punishments for vain people created by SATAN.

Basically the next two hours were filled with many breaks, heavy breathing, and loudly echoing obscenities shrieked to the heavens. I believe my very first text message to Randy upon using the system was: S#*& my pants!! That hurts like a #$%*@% $&#$*&!!!

Please excuse the strength of my symbols, but at the time I thought this message was only barely capable of relating the intensity of my feelings. The first leg while not exactly a breeze was much easier then the second. The pain at times was so strong that I would have an adrenaline rush which would cause a heat flash and goose bumps at the same time. I began to stop more frequently. It was like my body just had had enough pain and it became progressively harder to finish. My strings of verbal filth came with an even larger smattering of four letter words.

Finally after nearly two hours, mainly due to the ever increasing "wailing breaks" I needed to take, I was done. The Epil works like a dream. However, my legs looked like I had walked through a scene of Hitchcock's The Birds wearing bootie shorts. The entire time I was using the Epil I kept telling myself that it was going to feel so much better when I could get in the shower and get my legs into some warm water. They tell you to exfoliate your skin after to help prevent in-grown hairs and that applying lotion will help with the lingering sting. So, when I was finally done I happily jumped into the shower.

You know how in the summer, if you're unlucky enough to get a sunburn and then later get into a warm shower that it burns fairly well? Well this was like that, plus being attacked by killer bees, plus stinging nettle, PLUS lemon juice. Did I mention I then had to SCRUB my legs with a shower poof to exfoliate? So here I am in the shower bawling like a newborn calf at eleven at night, surely pissing off my neighbors, or at the very least making them think their prayers have been answered and I am being murdered in my tub.

BUT... sadly no.

After getting out I lotioned my legs which does indeed bring a sigh of relief. Then again, at that point so would amputation.

So I know all this does sound nightmarish in quality, but alas I would highly recommend it!! OK so it hurts like a mother the first time, but additional sessions are a breeze! Your legs stay relatively smooth for weeks!! I love it, and now i can say I'm fairly addicted to using it, even with the occasional pain. Granted, all I've done are my legs. If I ever ventured into the bikini area it would probably also be the night that I drunk dial you and tell you I love you and ask if you like cats. I would have to do tequila shots all night to even think about attempting that... and then something tells me that drinking and then epililating that area is only slightly less dangerous then operating a band saw on a crack/Ambien cocktail.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people out there who do that fairly well. I don't know, but I digress.

So, if anybody has ever wanted to try one of these puppies out and is STILL interested after my fun little post here, or if you are just a masochist and wanna give it a whirl, let me know, I'll be happy to let you give it a try.

And one last little thing of note that made buying the Epil oh so worth every penny was that upon hearing me say it hurt so bad, and perchance wanting to laugh at my wimpiness, Randy told me that he would let me do his legs. SUCKA!! I don't believe I've laughed so hard in a long time. And if you were possibly wondering, his epithets were MUCH more colorful then my own.

Chickens.. or Randy MUST love me

2009-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

Where we live the animal ordinances still allow certain types of farm animals. This is particularly illustrated by the chicken coop in the backyard directly adjacent to our backyard and also our bedroom window.

We are no fans of chickens. Those who are fond of them are the ones who own the infernal God-made alarm clocks. The rest of us realize that the only type of snooze buttons incorporated on these unfortunate models would have to be a well aimed rock and thus we find them detestable. Trust me, after one early summer morning when you have a day off and are shrieked awake by the yodeling/crowing of not one but TWO adolescent roosters, you too would become a chicken hater. Or at least begin to love eating them so much more. Anyway...

The other day I was in my bedroom reading a book when I heard the chickens kicking up a racket. Usually during the day they are tolerably quiet so I looked out the window to see what was causing the commotion. In the neighbor's back yard were two young kids I didn't recognize and a dog that was running around the pen. I don't think these kids live there and it causes me some irritation, but its not a big deal right? Its not till these two kids go into the pen, get scared and run out leaving the coop open and letting all the chickens escape that I start to feel a rise of righteous indignation. I go into the computer room and tell Randy whats going on and we both look outside. What I see appalls me. The dog has one of the chickens in its mouth and runs round the yard shaking it. Sometimes when the dog lets go the chicken tries weakly to escape only to be grabbed up again. I begin to freak out.

Bless his heart. Randy listens to my escalating yowls a la a cow with distemper, and briskly walks outside, confronts the little kids, jumps the fence and takes the dog off the property. He then spends the next twenty minutes trying to convince these intelligently hampered children that they have done something wrong, that they shouldn't be there and need to get out of this yard and go home. Also, that they are stupid stupid little kids. He then catches all the chickens that he finds so distasteful and returns them to their coop despite pecking and flapping.

The next morning when the chickens started off a cacophony of irritation he stated that he wanted to eat them. Or at least let a dog do it.

See. That's LOVE.

(And seriously, what's up with kids these days? Is the gene pool so shallow that children upon doing something WRONG don't even have the sense to RUN anymore??? What the...? )

Random bits and bits and bits and bits...

2009-02-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

So here are some random things I wanted to share:

First off, an update of my last post, the seven-week-fifteen-pound-challenge: So guess what happens when you whine on your blog about all the reasons that you surely will not win this bet? Why, one of those perky, three mile running, skinny morning people calls you and tells you in not so many words that she will come by next week to pick you up when she goes to work out and says it in such a way that you can't even think of one reason you shouldn't. THATS what happens.

OK Kim... I'm willing but don't hate me when I opt to walk the first day and spy on your class.

Second thing I wanted to share was this:

Oh the things Randy will do for that Mountain Dew Voltage. And don't worry, there was enough of him sticking out that we were able to recover the body easily enough---blue soda in hand.

Also... I just wanted to wish my blog Happy Birthday!! The actual day was the sixth so I hope it forgives me making my birthday wish a little belatedly. The year was filled with ups and downs and a lot of computer issues. I think this next year is going to be a lot better!!

The Seven-Week-Fifteen-Pound Challenge (otherwise titled, Seriously? What am I thinking?)

2009-02-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was informed that there was a bet going on, and I could get in on it if I wanted. Its amazing the things Randy and Amber come up with via text when neither one texts me all day, but I digress.

The bet goes as follows: We (Foodie, my sister and I) have seven weeks to lose fifteen pounds. If we complete this goal Randy will pay for three nights in Park City and golf. If we lose we have to pay, PLUS food and dining out I assume since there are three of us.

I grudgingly accepted. Part of me thinks that I am going to end up shelling out some big money. I'm working extra hours now to pay for car repairs for the foreseeable future. Its cold outside. I have no workout buddy available when I am. I sold my treadmill (it didn't really fit anywhere in the house anyway). And I have a boyfriend who likes me to stay up late with him and gets pissy when I say I am tired.

Whats that smell? ::sniff sniff:: It smells like... defeat.

The only reason I decided to go ahead and get in on it is that (other then a large sum of money) the only thing I have to lose from a little motivation is some weight, right? So note to self, load up on the following things I like and can still eat:

Special K protein bars, for breakfast mostly.
pretzels--the flat deli ones are also yummy, especially with...
string cheese, or...
Laughing Cow Light spreadable cheese wedges.
beef jerky (I'm a big fan of high protein /low fat stuff)
mix-ins
turkey or chicken lunch meats
frozen mango (comes in a big bag at Costco or Sam's Club . Its cut into squares and I think its great for that dessert craving. I eat them frozen right out of the bag)
Quaker Quakies, specially the honey nut and carmel kinds.

The way I figure it, I will lose weight but I will probably die from something concerning my high sodium consumption or all the aspartame, phenylalanine, and other artificial sweeteners in my water. I'll be waifishly thin and have 18 pound tumors on my butt. At least I can still eat sushi anytime I want. Maybe the mercury poisoning will get me first!

Close call

2009-02-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

The other day I saw my life flash before my eyes. Or, at the very least, the life of my Gap wool coat.

It was four days ago. I was enjoying a nice conversation with Randy and my lovely sister (blah de blah!). I was just minding my own business when suddenly---something was hurled directly at me.

It happened in the blink of an eye. The only warning was a low gurgling noise, and then the feel of heat and a strange scent.

My baby nephew Cameron had been lounging in my sisters lap about a yard from where I sat. He had spent much of the conversation cooing and making eyes at me. Obviously a ploy to lure the unsuspecting prey closer.

Without any other warning he let loose a projectile of soy scented spit up directly at me. This stuff quite literally launched from the kid. It came out so fast that it soared over the nearest--and usual target of my sister's whole lap--and flew nearly a foot farther in my direction to land with a audible hissing splat inches from me.

I lunged. Within seconds I was up the stairs on the landing shuddering, congratulating myself on dodging THAT bullet, and promising myself I'd wait till he was 2 to hold him.

Thank heaven for my cat-like reflexes.

Talk about depressing

2009-01-31T00:27:00.000-08:00

This week a year ago I was on a trip to San Diego, then a cruise in the Mexican Riviera.

I was finding bathrooms hard to come by--specially with toilet paper and then running water.
I was hover-planing it.
I was watching the terrible practice of syrup application to cheese omelets.
I was stressing about leaving my Murano in a rental lot.
I was getting blissfully sun burnt.
I was getting ripped off by little swindlers--er I mean children in Acapulco.
I was blowing salt water out my nose after taking a thrashing by a wave and washing up on shore in a number of compromising positions in Ixtapa.
I was getting smacked in the face with flippers.
I was getting a mild case of sun stroke on a real crappy "nature hike".
I was finding sand in various unmentionable places.
I was getting seasick in the dining room and trying not to wretch in the theater.
I was cursing the weather as the winds blew so hard and cold they closed the upper decks.
I was spending a lot of time indoors watching karaoke and playing games with the old folks.
I was gaining 15 pounds on shrimp, melted chocolate cake, and unlimited sodas.
I was getting harangued by Mexican merchants trying to sell me things made in China.

You know... come to think of it---maybe I'm not AS depressed as I thought!

(Who am I kidding. Yes I am. This was a lesson in futility. I'm trying to talk myself into it.)

McRib is a McMystery to me

2009-01-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

Why in the name of all things holy does McDonalds act like its doing the nation some kind of favor when it decides to bring the McRib back for a limited time? I mean.. are there people out there who wait breathlessly for a pork molded into rib shape (including the bones ::shudder::) sandwich? Do they lick the wrapper free of all dripped, tangy, barbecue sauce remains?

Now I can get behind a barbecued pork sandwich. Sure why not? And yeah this IS pork. Unfortunately the term "pork" can refer to ANY and or ALL parts of the pig. Hey at least we don't dress a hamburger up like anything else. We know what sort of risks we're taking--after all the definition of hamburger is ground beef. We don't press the hamburger into the shape of a T-Bone and call it the McSteak.

So why??? What would possess anyone to eat this?? And why the big advertisement campaign like this is an item that will be undoubtedly missed by millions as they cry big BBQ tears of sadness when its taken off the menu? 'Cause there's no reason for such silliness. I remember eating almost this exact thing in elementary school. Granted it was slapped down on my tray by a scowling,plastic gloved, hair-net wearing lunch lady, but I'm telling you its pretty close to the mark. And if I remember correctly, it was pretty nasty back then too.

So don't be sad. Get hot lunch.

Love = Tubby Tubberson

2009-01-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

Yes. It IS her. That's a picture of Jessica Simpson performing a couple weeks ago. No it has not been altered in any way. Stop asking me that.

Jessica Simpson is in loooooo-ve. Know how I know this?? No, its not the diatribe she's been spouting to the media for the last couple months; cooing that Tony Romo is her "soul mate" while batting her cow eyes, twisting her hair and giggling. No, I know she's in love for three reasons illustrated in the above picture:

1. She no longer cares about her life and career. She cares about their life together and his career. Which is why she's singing country.

At a chili festival in Florida. Yep.

2. Some people (ahem) gain weight when they're happy, which is why you can noticeably tell she put on at least twenty pounds. This also parallels number one as you're more likely to gain a bit when you're having your own personal tailgate party every Sunday instead of say... touring, dancing, and making videos.

And lastly number 3. She's caught her man. If he's not there, who left to impress? She's no longer on the hunt for "the one" and doesn't give a crap what she looks like, thus the horrible high rise "Tall Butt Syndrome" inducing mom jeans and the cinch-it-twice-as-tight cheetah belts.

What do you think? Think my logic is flawed? All this reminds me, I wonder if Randy wants to go hit some balls more often or go to the Legacy Center for a walk.

Now where's my yoga pants with the elastic top??? Blah.

Get your freak on... geriatric style

2009-01-27T20:45:00.000-08:00

If you wouldn't mind, please view the following video, and we'll get down to business.

The Villages. A retirement community. If you ever watch golf you've seen this commercial a hundred times. I recently stumbled onto a news story about it that was a little old but it was new to me. It seems that in the last five years at the Villages, sexually transmitted diseases including herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea have ran rampant.

What's that??? Grandpappy and all his "ladyfriends" are doing the nasty???

A lot?? And... irresponsibly?

OK so part of me sorta is repulsed by this idea, part of me finds the whole thing horribly amusing, and you know what? The other part of me is thrilled that when I'm 78 I may still wanna shake my groove thing with my old gheezer cause although he may be old, he's "gonna be spry".

They blame the spread of disease on Viagra, lack of sexual education, and no fear of pregnancy. Apparently there have been cases of couples being caught playing a little nineteenth hole in their golfcarts, and skinny dipping in the community pools at eight in the morning. How would you like to be the kid visiting Granny and Pa Pa and running out to the pool, towell in hand only to be acosted with the sight of Mae and Benny playing bubbles in the hot tub?

Frightening, frightening prospect.

Personally, acts of public nudity and exhibitionism aside, I say you go boys and girls. I think they should have some maturation MATURATION programs, perhaps a bit of sex ed. classes available, maybe some strict golf cart/hokeypokey guidelines, a no-black-market Levitra campaign, but other then that I feel that they are adults and should enjoy their twilight years as they wish.

Responsibly of course. And with the blinds closed, please. Little Petey is visiting.

Ode to my sissy

2009-01-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

Recently my sister wrote a blog about wanting her daughters to begin to appreciate each other like her and I do. The post prompted me to make a comment saying how much I value the person my sister is a lot more now that I've grown up. This made me consider that Lore most definitely deserves, at the very least, her own blog post. The following are a small list of only some of the reasons I am so lucky to have her as my sister:

With the exception of perhaps one person, my sister is the one that I can be completely childish and goofy with and she will be just as goofy with me. I don't think anyone BUT me knows just how silly she can get. She doesn't judge, she doesn't roll her eyes and shake her head, she plays along. Sometimes we sing the Ping Pong Song and do our best Rob & Big recreations. Sometimes we jam to Sexy Back (yeah). Sometimes she does her own personal rendition of the dime-a-dance girl choreography from the Pat Benetar "Love is a Battlefield" video while pregnant, in underwear, and ironing to my OBVIOUS enjoyment.

On occasion she will do the double-chin frog face at me while at the salon, or pretend to snatch a "flying booger " out of the air in one bite after I have pretended to flick said booger. While waiting at a streetlight. In separate cars. Sometimes we drop everything to go on slurpee or snowie runs for the excuse that we can be as stupid as we want in the car and have sugar (bonus!). The list goes on. Anything we do, we have fun doing it. AND we try and do it in the dorkiest way possible. Its a gift really.

My sissy is generous. She doesn't mind giving or sharing what she has. Sometimes my sister will pay for us to do something and doesn't mind if it takes me a while to pay her back. She knows I always will. And she hardly ever harps on me about it. If I ever need something, and its in her power to help me out, she always will. Wanna use her computer? Sure! Could use a ride to the insta-care? No problem! Need a snack from the pantry? Help yourself! Want to borrow that cute shirt? Go right ahead! Maybe that's where someone got the idea that she'd be OK sharing him too.. *ahem* So ANYWAY...

My sissy is adventurous. She's always up to try some silly things I want to do. Even if its not really her thing, most of the time if I ask she'll be game. The other day I suggested that I give her photography "homework" and she agreed! If I want to take a class, go see some festival, drive to some out of the way place for dinner, whatever it is, if she has the time she's always willing to support me in my endeavors. And you know what the best part is? If I'm excited about it, she's excited about it. That's a great feeling.

Lore recently posted a blog about her 5 top character strengths. Basically I think one of her greatest strengths IS her strength. My sister has gotten through a LOT of rough times. My mom would always say to me, "I just don't know what she's going to do" and I would always answer her (in a slightly peevish sorta way) "Make no mistake about it Mom, Lore is STRONG. She's going to be better then you think. She can handle a LOT". And she has. I admire her for her fortitude and her ability to move forward.

And this last thing may be a small thing but its big to me; My sister, without fail, always tells you "I love you" before she hangs up the phone. I never remember to say it, but it makes an impact on me every time she does, and I just wanted her to know it.

I love you too.

The Curious Case of... Zzzzzzzzz.

2009-01-19T15:51:00.000-08:00

Friday night Randy, Lore and I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was more or less my sister's choice as she LOVES Brad Pitt. I mean looking at Brad Pitt.

I used to be quite the Mister Pitt fan back in the, "A River Runs Through It" days. You know when he was just some hot young actor no one had ever heard of and before Angelina got her claws and tramp stamp on him.

Nowadays I can honestly say that I'm indifferent to him. I think he's an OK actor and he has been in some good films. His public persona has sorta tarnished my opinion of him. Yeah yeah, he's helping to rebuild New Orleans. He also ran away with another woman when he was married. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if Angelina just didn't seem so dang smug and self absorbed. Maybe I'm just sick of hearing about them every time Brad takes the herd out for a hotdog.

That might be it.

But anyway, I'm getting a little off track. The MOVIE was terribly long--just shy of three hours. It was entertaining in a big flickering screen in a pitch black room kinda way. Parts of it were awfully tedious. Cate Blanchet looked ravishing. It was one of those films that after you walked out you weren't really sure what to feel. It sorta left you cold.

So in summery I'll say this: Go see Grand Torrino. Its no Million Dollar Baby, and Clint is sorta starting to look like a new born Benjamin Button, but its pretty entertaining and good ole Mr Eastwood can still bring it.

What's that noise? It sounds like.. a bucket being kicked.

2009-01-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

January 10, marked the 30th birthday of my good friend Foodie and with it the last time that she can in all good conscience, pretend that she's some spring chicken while I am old. I won't lie, turning thirty is only slightly less cool then shoulder pads, crimped hair, and currently being a CEO of a domestic auto company. So since its such a crappy, er I mean special occasion I decided we better go to dinner and celebrate!

We went to Taifoon at the Gateway, which is an Asian restaurant. The food was pretty good, the portions big enough to share, the waitress was horrible, and the bathrooms were apparently "awesome". Just ask the birthday hag--I mean girl. (Love you Sugar Britches!)

I'm not so sure I agree with the bathroom assessment as when I was in there I heard the chick in the stall next to me putting the seat back down.

That may have tainted my view a little bit.

Other then that small incident I had a pretty great time. I got to catch up with everyone and see what they have been up to. Randy picked up dinner and I got Amber that Backstreet Boy book she's been wanting and an extra-large, lime green, slinky nighty. Oh and a down comforter. I think she was pretty happy with all of that. Specially the nighty.

Oh and if and of you were wondering how the ole New Year's Resolutions were going... check out the last picture!! Bwa Ha ha.

*Please note*
It was a PARTY. Don't judge me. Gosh.

Things have certain names for a reason..

2009-01-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

A recent text message conversation between Randy and I:

Randy: Hey do we have the stuff you need to make meatloaf?

Me: Ugh, how would I know? I hate the stuff. I think you need breadcrumbs, so no.

Randy: How can you hate it? It's like a big hamburger!!

Me: Meat. Loaf. Meat. Loaf. Meat. LOAF. Come on, it even SOUNDS bad.

Randy: How old are you? Shape it like a big hamburger then and not a loaf.

Me: Loaf is LOAF. If it wasn't it wouldn't have all that extra crap in it and it would just be called MEAT.

Randy: Who said you had to put extra crap in it?

Me: *sigh* Well then it wouldn't be a meatloaf would it?

Randy: You can call it whatever you want.

Me: You. There's hamburger here. When you get home you can make it into, or CALL it whatever you want!

By the time he got home however, I had already decided that the hamburger was destined for better things and so was I: tacos.

Because really, meatloaf? Tell me that's not just a title that also serves as a warning. Seriously.

You knew it was bound to show up sooner or later...

2009-01-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

The aforementioned "resolution" post. Its kind of a gimmee blog post for one and all and who am I to sneer in the face of a suitable topic? Everyone has a blog subject as soon as that big hand hits the 12 on New Years Eve, so here's mine:

In no particular order:

Sigh... go back to drinking non-carbonated beverages except on certain occasions which I deem admissible; like a Noss on fight nights. Otherwise, back to mix-ins. Boy am I looking forward to the caffeine withdrawals. Did I mention that I'm drinking a Mountain Dew as I read this??? I'll start riiiight after this...
Read some more books. My goal is to get out of my usual comfort zone of thriller/horroresque books and read different genres. I started a bit this summer. I went from Stephen King to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. That was a shock to the system. Next up? Perhaps a good romance. ::shudder:: Anyone have some great recommendations?
Be more responsible financially. Yeah that shirt is SUPER cute, but do I REALLY need it? Wouldn't I be better served to spend the money on camera equipment which in turn can make me more money? Ugh... that's so hard sometimes, like most of our society I'm all about instant gratification.
Continue to get better at photography and editing. That means getting out there even though its freezing and just taking pictures. This is a bit harder since my usual partner in crime (my sissy) is a little bit busy nowadays. So here's some notice, I may beg and pander to get some of you out and shooting.
Get back to being semi-active despite the fact that its winter. I go into 'slug' mode when it gets cold. NO Kim, I still feel the same way about going to yoga with you. The thought alone makes me suicidal. Heh. Maybe you'd like to go scrapbooking....
Become a better golfer. Perhaps trim off 5-10 strokes off the ole game this year. Hey maybe I could learn to putt half decent? I'm optimistic, but I'm also practical. I'm not going to be totally sad if this doesn't happen, after all its still fun trying.
Remember to not take all the family and friends I love for granted. Remember they don't HAVE to be there, they are there cause they love me back and I should treat them like it. Spend more time with people I care about. APPRECIATE WHAT AND WHO I HAVE!!

I think that's a pretty good start and those goals should keep me pretty busy this year (I'm an underachiever okay? Sheesh, the no Pepsi alone is going to be a major test of this gal's self control). What are some of yours?

Oh and very lastly... Take the Great Blog Off trophy for 2009